Thursday, August 04, 2005

How do you define a relationship?

I've become one of those girls that can't stop thinking about their boyfriend all the time.

Today Stacey was talking to me about something and my mind kept wandering. I kept seeing Michael's face in my mind, remembering the feel of his kisses, remembering our bodies entangled together. The heat rose to my face and I smiled. Last night Michael came to my room and he had to leave just after midnight. I lay there still feeling him after he was gone, shifting in the blankets..The lingering sensation of his body heat and weight stayed with me..I fell asleep easily with the knowledge that I would see him again tomorrow...

"You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" Stacey asked suddenly

"What?", then I laughed "What? yes..I'm listening!"

"What was I saying?.."

"Something about..I can't remember"

Stacey laughed and she reached out to touch my face in a surprisingly comforting and sisterly way. Sometimes my relationship with Stacey is like the relationship I wish I had with my own sister. She gives me that. She's given me so much, I just think about it and I want to cry. I don't know how to repay her. Then she said "I'm really happy for you, Iris..You're actually glowing right now"

The truth is, I don't even know if Michael is my boyfriend. I don't even know how to define our relationship. I guess, technically we're just sleeping together. I've never really had a relationship like this, so I don't know how it works.

I know I shouldn't expect anything from him, I know I'm lowering my standards by allowing it to go on like this. But he's providing me with everything I need. I just need someone to be there, someone to hold me close and make me feel special. He's giving me that. I don't need any more.

Today, I'm going to put in some job applications, I desperately need a second job so I can move out of Stacey's apartment. Although it's nice living with her and the situation is working out fine. I feel like I'm living in her space and I don't want to impose on her for too long. I don't want to overstay my welcome. There are openings in Starbucks, Target, some telemarketing jobs, waitressing at T.G.I. Friday's and a secretary position.

I have my fingers crossed.

Michael called me this morning, He asked me what I was doing today and I told him that I was job hunting.

He said "good luck"

I'm going to see him again later on tonight.
posted by Iris at 5:19 PM