Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Have you ever had a moment in life where you just felt like scum?

I had one of those moments tonight..

I realized that I'm a terrible person, that my fear of being alone, poor, struggling and friendless turned me into a careless humanbeing. Someone that does stupid things, and then tries to escape from having to confront them by drinking. I'm afraid tell people how I feel in life, I'm afraid of exposing my vulnerability..so I act like I don't care. Not only that.. but I HURT people.

I rationalize it by saying.."Well, they would have hurt me in the long run anyway..they would have left me..anyway. I was just beating them to the punch"

The truth is, I don't recognize myself anymore.. I honestly have moved so far from the girl I used to be. I feel like I've sunk so damn low.

What's horrible, is that I keep thinking of the feeling of Michael's hand in my shirt, his thumb grazing against my nipple..the feeling of him biting my lowerlip, the feeling of him pushing inside of me and I feel this yearning. It's like my rational mind shuts off and it becomes this need.

But somewhere along the way, I've lost myself. I don't know what I'm doing in life.. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not heading anywhere..It's like I've reached a dead end.

I picked up the phone to call Michael and tell him how I feel about him..but I couldn't dial the numbers. I was too afraid. I just started crying and then I screwed open the stupid vodka bottle. Luke called 15 minutes later..I listened to his voice on the answering machine. I didn't touch the phone.

I'm going to hurt him again. That's how evil and wretched a person I am. It's 6 A.M., and I've been crying most of the night. I can't sleep..I kept squeezing my pillow, I clenched my upper arm so tightly that it caused a bruise and just feeling miserable.

I have to go to work in 3 and a half hours

I know it's going to get better, I just need sleep..
posted by Iris at 9:09 AM