Monday, August 29, 2005

Going Backwards

I'm moving back home with my Mother.

Yesterday afternoon I overheard Stacey and her boyfriend in the kitchen when I was heading to the bathroom. Stacey was saying how she misses having her sewing room and the space she used to have.

Her boyfriend suggested that she tell me to move out.

"I can't do that", I heard Stacey say "Iris has nowhere else to go. I can't do that to her"

I just stood there listening to her, feeling sick and miserable. I realized I couldn't impose on her any longer. She's been so kind to me..but there's a limit to someone's hospitality and I think I've crossed it. I went back to my room and started to cry. This truly sucks.

I called my mother and asked her if I could move back home with her for a while. My mother was willing and sounded happy.

She's happy because she won. I moved out 4 years ago hoping to make it on my own and I failed. Returning home is a way of admitting defeat, admitting that she was right, admitting that I'm a failure. I accomplished nothing. I went from one dead end job to the next, and struggled just to pay the fucking rent. I can't do it anymore, I have no choice. I have no other options.

I have the flu today, I started feeling sick yesterday but this morning I woke up with a fever and a pounding head. My whole body is aching and it's hard to even sit up. I don't have insurance, so I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm sure it will pass, but I had to take off from my morning shift at Starbucks.

I'm beginning to hate working there. All the college students talking about the upcoming "fall semester", they're all excited and talking about classes, teachers, friends, school.. I hate when they ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I always have to answer.

posted by Iris at 2:28 PM