Tuesday, August 16, 2005

"Follow my heart?"

When I was younger, I thought the idea of being torn between two men was really romantic and exciting. I actually yearned for it to happen to me. The thought of two different men fighting over me or desiring me made me smile when I was 11 years old.

Now I'm 21 and I'm torn between two people. It's not romantic or exciting. It's horrible, confusing and alienating.

I have the day off, my first entire day off in weeks. All morning I've been thinking about this.

The fact is: Luke is offering me an entirely new life, he's offering me so much unconditional love and he's willing to commit.

I remembered what Stacey had said about how hard it is to find a good man like Luke. It's just that the chemistry isn't there for me. But maybe if we took it slow and eased back into a relationship together..maybe that would change. On the other hand..when I WAS engaged to Luke..I was unhappy..but at least my family was talking to me, at least I had a future, at least I had something..

I don't know what the right thing to do is. Carl just said "follow your heart"

What if my heart leads me to a dead end?

I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of some crappy show like "Dawsons Creek"..(and that's a REALLY bad show.) The difference is that everything doesn't get resolved and have a happy ending after 45 minutes.

It's odd though..as soon as I write it out, it feels less frightening and overwhelming.

Despite my hangover, I'm doing better than I was last night. Everything looks more clear. I'm a lot less emotional and more rational. That previous entry was embarrassing to look at this morning.
posted by Iris at 4:20 PM