Monday, August 15, 2005

Feeling confused

Luke just came by.

He left 30 minutes ago. This was my first time seeing him since our break up last month. I feel so messed up inside right now.

I was sitting in my bedroom on the computer when I heard a knock on the door. I turned around in my chair and came to face to face with him. I didn't even know what to think or how to feel. I couldn't believe that Stacey just let him in.

He was tan, probably from his great vacation with his rich parents. How nice it must be to escape when times gets rough. To have the opportunity to do that, just get away for a while. I wish I could afford that. I felt so resentful and angry at that moment.

"You should have called first" was all I could think to say. I didn't know what else to say. I felt like he caught me off guard, and there's nothing more I hate than that feeling. I wasn't ready to see him. It was so uncomfortable. I had imagined this encounter in my head, but not like this. Not in my "starbucks" uniform, not in an overheated small room with my hair a mess.

"I'm sorry, I just got back. I wanted to see you. You're mother gave me the address"

"Yeah, How is my Mom?", I said "I haven't seen her in weeks."

"She's worried about you"

That's funny.

He looked around my new room, he looked at all the boxes, the small window facing a brickwall, the unmade bed, the clutter. I saw pity in his eyes. I don't want his pity. He pushed aside some of my books and sat on my bed. He was quiet and just looked down at his hands.

He told me he had been doing a lot of "thinking", He said he still cared about me. I didn't say anything.

But he said something that made me want to start crying. He said "I have this vision of my life. I see myself getting married, I see myself having kids and having a nice house in upstate New York. When I imagine these things, the person I see myself with is you. I want it to be you."

I was quiet. I told him I just needed some time alone to think about everything and I told him I was sorry. He moved over to hug me and I pulled away, shaking my head and looking down.. Once he was gone, I tried to go back to what I was doing..but I couldn't think straight. I don't know what I feel right now. I have this confused knot in my stomach. It doesn't feel like it's even happening to me, but to someone else.

Seeing him again, brought up all these emotions..these memories..

To be honest, I'm thinking about it right now. I'm actually thinking about going back to Luke, I can't believe he still wants me. I hurt him, I screwed up everything and there he was telling me his still cared. But I have to know how Michael feels for me first. Because at this moment, the only person I can think of is him. I just want to be with him.

But noone has ever loved me unconditionally the way Luke has, maybe he is the one and I'm too stupid to realize it.

There's something about the things he said to me today, the way he looked at me..the way he has forgiven me. I expected him to attack me and he just came with love. It threw me completely off guard, it's unexpected and it's making me question everything.

Stacey left for a doctor's appointment. I'm going to talk to her about this when she gets back, I think she might be able to put things in the right perspective.
posted by Iris at 7:25 PM