Wednesday, August 31, 2005

This might be insane...

I hardly know him, How can I live with him? What if he WAS drunk when he called me last night? I can't get too excited about this. It's not even rational.
posted by Iris at 8:22 PM | link

Holy shit!

He wants me to move in with him.

Michael wants me to move in with him!

He called me last night, when I picked up he just said "Iris, Move in with me"

He didn't even say "Hello" or a formal greeting, I was quiet and confused. Then finally I asked "What? Are you serious?"

"Yes"

"Is this because you're afraid of losing me?"

"Maybe"

I laughed "I can't move in with you"

"Why not?"

I felt this insane bliss in my stomach, I was smiling from ear to ear and curled up on the sofa. I covered my face "I don't know..this is crazy"

"Why is it crazy?"

"We..hardly know eachother"

"I think we know eachother VERY well.."

I blushed. "Are you drunk right now?"

"No"

"You're serious?"

"Yes"

"Okay"

"Okay?"

"Okay!"

"Okay."

He hung up and I stared at the phone. I thought "Did that just happen? Tell me that did not just happen..."

I haven't told anyone about this yet (Except for my bestfriend, Carl) . Michael had called after my late shift at the bar. Stacey is still sleeping, I haven't told my mother or Luke about this new development either.

Holy shit!. I have to digest this. It hasn't even fully registered yet. I just needed to get it down in writing..because I can't believe it.

I can't believe this!

I could hardly sleep last night, I'm so excited..and in shock.

I'm going to live with Michael!!!!!!!!!
posted by Iris at 12:50 PM | link

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

feeling sick

I hate this crushing feeling of despair in my pit of my stomach. I feel like I've just given up and all my dreams have been destroyed.

I hate how pathetic I just began this diary entry...

Today I laid around all day, filling my computer desk with crumpled up tissues, drinking tea and ingesting NyQuil. I read through all my blog links. (the ones on the left of this template) It was nice having the time to really sit down and just enjoy them without having to rush off to work.

It's amazing how beautiful people can write, the moments they capture, the funny stories they share and how talented some of them are. I didn't leave any comments, just read through archives and preferred being a silent voyeur. It seems like everyone in the blog community has a friendship with eachother, through their comments. I'm in the outskirts because I choose to have my comments closed. That doesn't really bother me though.

But a note to whoever is reading this. If you have time..read the blogs on my list. They're really amazing.

Michael called me this afternoon, I told him that I was moving back in with my Mom. I started crying on the phone and I had to keep blowing my nose because I was so congested. My eyes started burning even more.

Michael didn't say much. He was quiet. He said he had to do some "thinking" and that he had some stuff he needed to do tonight.

"I'll call you tomorrow, I hope you feel better soon, Iris"

and he hung up the phone. I was too sick and tired to even get emotional about it.

I told Stacey I was moving out. She asked me "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes" and tried to smile. I thanked her for everything and told her I would be leaving Saturday morning.

I don't feel like writing anymore about this today. It's too depressing.
posted by Iris at 4:18 AM | link

Monday, August 29, 2005

Going Backwards

I'm moving back home with my Mother.

Yesterday afternoon I overheard Stacey and her boyfriend in the kitchen when I was heading to the bathroom. Stacey was saying how she misses having her sewing room and the space she used to have.

Her boyfriend suggested that she tell me to move out.

"I can't do that", I heard Stacey say "Iris has nowhere else to go. I can't do that to her"

I just stood there listening to her, feeling sick and miserable. I realized I couldn't impose on her any longer. She's been so kind to me..but there's a limit to someone's hospitality and I think I've crossed it. I went back to my room and started to cry. This truly sucks.

I called my mother and asked her if I could move back home with her for a while. My mother was willing and sounded happy.

She's happy because she won. I moved out 4 years ago hoping to make it on my own and I failed. Returning home is a way of admitting defeat, admitting that she was right, admitting that I'm a failure. I accomplished nothing. I went from one dead end job to the next, and struggled just to pay the fucking rent. I can't do it anymore, I have no choice. I have no other options.

I have the flu today, I started feeling sick yesterday but this morning I woke up with a fever and a pounding head. My whole body is aching and it's hard to even sit up. I don't have insurance, so I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm sure it will pass, but I had to take off from my morning shift at Starbucks.

I'm beginning to hate working there. All the college students talking about the upcoming "fall semester", they're all excited and talking about classes, teachers, friends, school.. I hate when they ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I always have to answer.

"nothing"
posted by Iris at 2:28 PM | link

Saturday, August 27, 2005

letting go and opening up

I did it.

Last night, I called Michael

I feel really good right now..that's something I haven't felt in a while. Just amazing.. I guess I should write what happened, because the memory of last night has been twisting and turning in my head all day..I could barely focus at work, I screwed up so many orders at Starbucks and I couldn't stop smiling at the bar tonight.

When I first picked up the phone, dialed his number and heard his voice. I thought I had made a huge mistake. He sounded exhausted.. The time on my alarm clock was 2:15 A.M.

"Did I wake you?" (no shit)

"Yes..Who is this?"

"It's..Iris"

"Iris..(pause)..Hi" (his voice was neutral, he didn't sound excited or happy..that made me insecure)

"hey..I'm sorry I called you so late"

(silence)

"I just wanted to see how you've been.."

He cleared his throat, I could hear it..then he asked "So how's Luke?"

"Is that why you haven't called me?"

"you didn't answer my question, Iris"

I sighed. "I need you..can you come over?"

He didn't say anything for an entire minute. I sat there listening to just his breathing on the other end of the phone. I felt foolish, desperate, stupid..

But he said "I'll be there in 20 minutes" and he hung up.

I ran around my room, cleaning up the bottles, clothing and crap all over the place. I tried to make the place look decent.. I didn't know what to wear and I was still trying to figure that out when he buzzed the front door. I was worried about Stacey waking up and I ran across the flat, slipped on the rug..hit the wall and started cursing.

But none of that mattered when I opened the door. He came in, we just stood there and stared at eachother.. Then we started kissing. I had a few shots, so my inhibitions were non-existant. He had me up against the wall and his lips were crushing down on mine. I was so happy, it was like coming to life again.

I can't even describe it..it's like I see everything in color again. My heart is pounding so fast and I'm just in this euphoric state. I'm entirely in the moment..nothing else is there. Everything fades away.

We backed up into the bedroom, he tugged my tanktop over my head, and slid down my panties..he pushed me down on the bed, began to kiss my breasts..his hands moving frantically down my body and inbetween my legs. It was so hard and fast..When we had sex, it was so rough..we ended up on the floor. I bit his shoulder hard, and he dug the nails of his hands into my back. I felt like he couldn't be deep enough inside, it was strangely animalistic. So much need, mixed with anger and passion. I can't explain it in words..

Afterwards. He let his body fall on top of me, and his head was on my chest...His hair falling over my neck. He was breathless and he held me tightly.

Then he asked me "What are you doing, Iris.."

I didn't know how to answer that.

"I don't know what to think..when I met you you were engaged..and we messed around, then you broke off the engagement..now that guy is back and now you're calling me up.. for this.. I don't know if you're just fucking with me. If this is some game to you"

Then it came out. I opened up for the first time. I started crying and I told him everything. I told him about my mother, I told him about my jobs, my money situation, the living situation with Stacey, my feelings for Luke and the history of our relationship, how scared I was, how much I'm struggling and how I'm a fucked up mess..basically.

He listened. He listened to everything I said, afterwards he held me and stroked my hair. He didn't say much, it was 5 A.M. at that point. We fell asleep.

When I woke up for work, he was gone. He left a note on the dresser saying that he had to go away with his little brother upstate to help him move into College for the first time, that he'd be back on Monday. He said he would call me then.

I lay there..looking at his handwriting, tracing the words with my finger. I only had 3 hours of sleep before my shift at work, but it didn't matter. It's weird, this feels like a new beginning. I feel alive..I feel happy..

I opened up to him, If he doesn't call on Monday.. fine.

But at least I know that I told him how I felt, I let him see who I really was, I took off my mask. I did it. I know this isn't huge in the big scheme of things, there are more important issues in this world.

but for me.

this is huge.

..and I'm actually sober while I type this.
posted by Iris at 5:43 AM | link

Friday, August 26, 2005

Something has got to give

There's nothing worse than feeling like a third wheel.

I can't keep living in the spare room of Stacey's apartment.

Her boyfriend just moved in on Tuesday night. I saw it coming, but it was still a surprise to see him loading boxes into the foyer. I stood there awkwardly watching him.

Wednesday night we all drank together in the livingroom after work, We played drinking games and took whiskey shots until we were almost sliding off the sofa. They started making out in the kitchen and I felt so out of place in her private home.

Her boyfriend asked me this morning "So how long do you think you'll be living here, Iris?"

Translation: "I'm here now..so get the fuck out"

"I don't know..I'm just trying to raise enough money to put the down payment on my own apartment. It should only be a few more weeks", then I pretended to laugh. "Or whenever Stacey kicks my ass out on the curb"

He nodded, but he didn't laugh. I couldn't help but wonder if Stacey complained to him, if she felt obligated to take me in and now regrets that decision. It's been a month now. Maybe she doesn't know how to tell me to leave.

I can't tell you how shitty this feels inside.

Tonight after my afternoon shift at Starbucks, I went to have dinner with my family.

Luke was the one that picked me up. He told me that my mother really wanted to see me and how much she "loves" me.

I hated sitting at the dinner table next to Luke. My Mother and sister were across from us, watching us carefully. They were observing how we interacted. I could read their thoughts so clearly..they didn't even have to speak. They wanted us to get engaged again, get married and live "happily ever after"

They don't care that I'm struggling with my feelings for Michael, or that I think about him all the time. They don't care what I want, how hard my life is..how much I hate my existance sometimes. They just want to marry me off to someone wealthy to get me off their hands.

My Mother and I also had an argument..I don't feel like getting into it. I'm beginning to hate who she is and everything she represents.

I'm going to do something.

Something I'm really afraid of, but a few shots of vodka before hand will help me out.

I'm going to call Michael. I know it's 1:30 in the morning. I know it's stupid. I don't care if it makes me look desperate, needy, pathetic or clingy. I need to hear his voice. I need to tell him how I feel. I'm sick of this shit. I can't do this anymore. I have to be real, I have to be myself.




posted by Iris at 4:35 AM | link

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Have you ever had a moment in life where you just felt like scum?

I had one of those moments tonight..

I realized that I'm a terrible person, that my fear of being alone, poor, struggling and friendless turned me into a careless humanbeing. Someone that does stupid things, and then tries to escape from having to confront them by drinking. I'm afraid tell people how I feel in life, I'm afraid of exposing my vulnerability..so I act like I don't care. Not only that.. but I HURT people.

I rationalize it by saying.."Well, they would have hurt me in the long run anyway..they would have left me..anyway. I was just beating them to the punch"

The truth is, I don't recognize myself anymore.. I honestly have moved so far from the girl I used to be. I feel like I've sunk so damn low.

What's horrible, is that I keep thinking of the feeling of Michael's hand in my shirt, his thumb grazing against my nipple..the feeling of him biting my lowerlip, the feeling of him pushing inside of me and I feel this yearning. It's like my rational mind shuts off and it becomes this need.

But somewhere along the way, I've lost myself. I don't know what I'm doing in life.. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not heading anywhere..It's like I've reached a dead end.

I picked up the phone to call Michael and tell him how I feel about him..but I couldn't dial the numbers. I was too afraid. I just started crying and then I screwed open the stupid vodka bottle. Luke called 15 minutes later..I listened to his voice on the answering machine. I didn't touch the phone.

I'm going to hurt him again. That's how evil and wretched a person I am. It's 6 A.M., and I've been crying most of the night. I can't sleep..I kept squeezing my pillow, I clenched my upper arm so tightly that it caused a bruise and just feeling miserable.

I have to go to work in 3 and a half hours

I know it's going to get better, I just need sleep..
posted by Iris at 9:09 AM | link

Monday, August 22, 2005

A weekend away

I love the smell of hotel rooms.

The only fun memories I have with my family were during vacations. I remember jumping on the hotel bed with my sister and the two of us excitedly tearing open the packages for the fancy soaps. We played with the little bottles of complimentary lotion, shampoo, conditioner and hairspray. My parents were still together at that time, and they were happy.

But somehow entering an expensive hotel room suite with my Ex-fiance felt incredibly wrong. Especially when I looked at the king sized bed in the center of the room.

The bed we were going to share.

On one hand I was excited because I had a lot of cocktails and we had been re-connecting. On the other hand, It felt strange...uncomfortable all of sudden.

Lying next to Luke again was odd. He ran his hand down my back slowly while I pretended to be asleep. I felt his finger playing with the corner of my panties and I heard his breath quickening. Instead of arousal, I felt nausea. I suddenly felt trapped.

I had let him drive me to his hometown for the weekend, I had let him pay for a pricey dinner and for the drinks. Suddenly I began to feel this pressure in my chest. I was afraid he expected something from me. Something I wasn't ready to give him.

He moved his body against mine for a moment, so I could feel that he was aroused. I continued to pretend to be asleep, he stopped.

Beside that one moment, the weekend was nice. We went to the beach, and we also played tennis.

He showed me a house for sale that he had been eyeing and he wanted my "opinion". He said that he wanted to move into that house someday with his "future wife". I couldn't look at him.

I can't be that "future wife" and I'm afraid that the entire weekend I gave him the impression that I could. I hate myself for that. I hate that I led him on, I didn't mean to. I was just trying to rebuild our friendship and let him know how sorry I was for hurting him the way I did. I thought this weekend would be a chance for me to open up to him about my feelings for Michael and all the confusion I feel.

But it wasn't. In fact, Saturday night we kissed in a beach hut after a few shots of tequila. I was drunk and caught up in the moment, but I instantly regretted it. I cringe just typing that..

I feel confused. At one point during the weekend, Luke's Cellphone rang and it was my mother.

I only heard his end of the conversation. When he offered me the phone, I just shook my head.

Why is my mother calling Luke on his cellphone? When did they get so close?

This weekend wasn't terrible, but it was a mistake.

Stacey told me this morning that Michael called while I was away. Maybe that's why I feel this way..because I'm not ready to let my relationship with Michael go. Hearing that he called me..changed things. I want to see him, I need to talk to him.

I feel like I'm walking on a thin line right now..a line that could lead me ultimately alone and despised. By both of them. I feel like shit.

I have to go to work.
posted by Iris at 11:46 AM | link

Friday, August 19, 2005

Online Journals

"What motivates Iris to keep an online Journal if she doesn't have her comments section open?"

That was a question asked a while back in someone's comments section in reference to my diary. Today, I felt like answering it.

It's the same thing that motivated people to keep diaries for centuries. I write for myself, I write to record my life experiences and to have something to look back on. I write to clear my head and to put some of my feelings down in words. I write to get it out, and it calms me down.

If you're reading this right now, You're reading something you usually wouldn't be privy to. You're reading a diary that should be locked and hidden in my dresser drawer. It's a window into my life, my feelings, my passions and my desires. I'm leaving it open so you can peer in, if you want..for as long as you want.

I had my comments open for a few weeks and it didn't work for me. I know I have flaws, I know I drink too much, I know I'm confused, I know I don't do things right all the time and I'm struggling...I'm the first to admit it. I don't need to have others tell me this or put me down. I don't need to have people instruct me on how I should or shouldn't live my life. While I appreciate feedback and constructive criticism..the truth is, I'm really insecure, weak and scared. I get hurt easily and I'm way too sensitive. I take negative comments to heart, even ones from perfect strangers.

Sometimes it's easier to just write without thinking of an audience and just for myself.

I know the whole basis of online blogs is to receive feedback, and people want to put in their two cents. It's nice to be able to feel like you can influence the course of someone's life through your comments. That's part of the appeal and that's what makes people keep coming back. For me, I like reading other people's writings..but I rarely leave comments. I'm more of a silent reader.

A lot of times when I'm updating, I've had a few drinks..I know I'm not always the most intelligent, I know my logic isn't always the best, I know I make mistakes and reading this is probably like watching a train wreck unfold. But I'm going to pull it together, it's going to get better.

I know closing my comments cuts me off from any potential support or encouraging words.

I want to believe that some people reading this understand and relate...I want to believe that if you're reading this, it's not to judge..but to get an inside glimpse into something you wouldn't normally be able to. It's not always easy to write about the things that I do, or as openly as I do. But I do it anyway..maybe because it is taboo. Because in a way it's dangerous to expose yourself.

But that's life.

and because no one can reach me. It feels safe. Eventually I'll just stop one day and shut this down entirely. ..but I want to thank those ahead of time..the ones that came a long for the journey. Even if it was only for a short time.

I managed to get two days off from work, and I'm leaving with Luke for the weekend. He's taking me somewhere, to show me something and he says I need a short vacation. He's right. I'm not sure if this is the best idea, but he said he's willing to take it slow. It would be just "as friends"

I'll be back on Monday


posted by Iris at 3:02 AM | link

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Luke called 4 times in the past few days, Michael hasn't called at all. he hasn't been at the bar either.

I'm drunk right now and I want to call Michael.

My god, I want to call him so badly..It's just this ache inside and it's spreading across my entire body. I want him so incredibly much.. I've been drinking and I know that is contributing to these feelings.. I know I can't act on them. I can't think rationally in this state.

But I want to feel his kisses and tongue running down my body..I want to feel that bliss in my stomach and excitment that I only feel with him. I think back to our moments together, and I feel this anticipation..this intense insane yearning. It just washes over me.. I see flashes of our bodies covered with sweat sliding over eachother, his shoulder muscles tightening..I hear his moans, I see his lips..I feel my thighs trembling at just the thought of him touching me and I can't even sit in this chair without squirming. I actually get goosebumps at the memories, and my throat tightens.. not to mention how wet

Okay. I have to stop

Have you ever just wanted someone so badly that it actually hurt, you felt like you couldn't breath...

My mother actually called me..today, she "trusts that I'll do the right thing" and then she talked about Luke for nearly an hour.

Apparently they're becoming good friends. Why does it bother me that my mother loves my ex-fiance more than me??

I'm so tired of being something that she has to be ashamed of.. When I told her about Michael, and I told her that I met him in the bar she said:

"You left Luke for some strange guy you picked up in a bar? I refuse to believe that, My daughter doesn't behave like that"

oh yes.

Your daughter does...and right now all I want is to be with him. Why can't he love me?? Why doesn't he..why can't..

Okay, too drunk..I hate how alone I feel right now.



posted by Iris at 4:01 AM | link

Taking it slow

Luke took me out to dinner last night.

I sat there in the nice restaurant, I looked around and felt guilty, weird, torn apart and confused.

The big difference between Luke and Michael is that Luke actually talks about his feelings. He wants to put everything on the table and is really open about what's going on in his head. This is what he said to me:

He told me "I'm sorry, I didn't listen to you last month. You told me you weren't ready to get married right away and I didn't want to hear it. I kept pushing you and pushing you.."

I nodded.

"When you told me about that other guy.."

"Michael"

"Whatever his name is. I just wanted to crush him. I wanted to find him, beat the shit out of him and twist his neck until it snapped..I was so pissed off and angry. For a week, I thought I hated you"

(Understandable.)

"But now it's different. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm willing to take it slow and do this right."

We talked a lot, it was more like he spoke and I just listened. He seemed so sincere. I could almost see a future with him again, I remembered what it was that attracted me to him in the beginning of our relationship. His sense of humor and his intellect. The problem is the chemistry between us, I don't feel a strong desire for him, I don't feel lust like with Michael. It feels sterile.

But on the other hand, it feels safe.

When he brought me home, he just gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and held me close. While he held me, I just felt these tears well up in my eyes because I felt his love for me. I can FEEL it so strongly.

It feels so good to be wanted, to be loved, to have someone that wants to commit to a real relationship with me. I was sitting in my room tonight just thinking about this. If we got back together, my mother would accept me again, and my sister. I wouldn't be the outcast anymore. I could get out of this apartment..

But do I want to be with him for the wrong reasons? Is Michael right? Is this just about having safety and security. Is this just because I want so badly to get out of this tiny little closet-sized bedroom? Because I'm so fucking tired of struggling all the time? because I want to escape this life I'm living? Because I'm just so damn tired of being alone? Is this just the easy way out?

I'm going to be entirely honest, and admit that YES. Yes, the fact that Luke is offering me so much makes him really attractive to me right now...

Is that the right reason to marry someone?

I don't know what to think..or what to feel..
posted by Iris at 12:31 AM | link

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

"Follow my heart?"

When I was younger, I thought the idea of being torn between two men was really romantic and exciting. I actually yearned for it to happen to me. The thought of two different men fighting over me or desiring me made me smile when I was 11 years old.

Now I'm 21 and I'm torn between two people. It's not romantic or exciting. It's horrible, confusing and alienating.

I have the day off, my first entire day off in weeks. All morning I've been thinking about this.

The fact is: Luke is offering me an entirely new life, he's offering me so much unconditional love and he's willing to commit.

I remembered what Stacey had said about how hard it is to find a good man like Luke. It's just that the chemistry isn't there for me. But maybe if we took it slow and eased back into a relationship together..maybe that would change. On the other hand..when I WAS engaged to Luke..I was unhappy..but at least my family was talking to me, at least I had a future, at least I had something..

I don't know what the right thing to do is. Carl just said "follow your heart"

What if my heart leads me to a dead end?

I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of some crappy show like "Dawsons Creek"..(and that's a REALLY bad show.) The difference is that everything doesn't get resolved and have a happy ending after 45 minutes.

It's odd though..as soon as I write it out, it feels less frightening and overwhelming.

Despite my hangover, I'm doing better than I was last night. Everything looks more clear. I'm a lot less emotional and more rational. That previous entry was embarrassing to look at this morning.
posted by Iris at 4:20 PM | link
Michael and I just had a fight.

Michael was at the bar tonight. I invited him back to my room after my shift and then I told him that Luke had come over and how he wanted to get back together.

Michael was silent. He did this thing where he clenched his jaw and didn't look at me. I just watched him closely, trying to read his expression. I have to remind myself that this is the man that had said: "I don't know how long I'm going to be around" "I can't offer you anything, I can't give you anything, I can't promise you a future" "I think we're moving too fast!"

"What do you want, Iris?" He finally asked me

I was quiet. "I don't know". Which wasn't entirely true. I wanted him to LOVE me, to say that he wanted to commit to me.

"Well, You need to figure that out then", He said. His voice was really cold.

He said nothing after that. I just sat there. I looked around the small room ..all the boxes..My life is a mess. My eyes filled with tears. I feel so lost. "Look at where I'm living, Michael!", I said finally "Look at my life.."

"Oh I see what this is about now. This isn't about love. This is about living in the Upper East side with Luke and attending dinner parties with his wealthy parents! This is about security, money, having everything taken care of. You want to be a princess!"

A princess????

At that point I was really upset "That's not fair..you don't know..you don't know how hard I struggle.."

"Well that's all going to change now, isn't it?", He walked out of the room and slammed the door.

I've just been sitting here crying. I have all these feelings for Michael and I don't even know if he feels them back. I don't even know if we're heading anywhere. I don't know if he's just going to hurt me next week and disappear. All he does he says how he can't give me anything and how scared he is!!

Now he's not even willing to talk to me about this! He just fucking walks out on me and slams the door on me!

He's really good at that!

Walking away!! The fucking coward prick!!!!!!!! Why don't you just fuck me again and than not call me for another week?!?!?!?

Alright, I've been drinking. That's all. I'll write again when my head is clear, I'm just a fucked up emotional mess right now. I don't know anymore..I don't know what marriage means, I don't know what love means, I don't know what I want, I just know that I'm hurting and I hate my life. It has to change, because I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

The pathetic thing is..if Michael came back right now and pushed me on the bed, I would willingly open my body for him and enjoy it. I desire him that much..I can't describe in words our physical attraction or what he does to me..It makes me shake and cry.

Tonight I'm going to get shitfaced

But tomorrow is going to be a new beginning, I'm going to turn it all around.
posted by Iris at 4:36 AM | link

Monday, August 15, 2005

Feeling confused

Luke just came by.

He left 30 minutes ago. This was my first time seeing him since our break up last month. I feel so messed up inside right now.

I was sitting in my bedroom on the computer when I heard a knock on the door. I turned around in my chair and came to face to face with him. I didn't even know what to think or how to feel. I couldn't believe that Stacey just let him in.

He was tan, probably from his great vacation with his rich parents. How nice it must be to escape when times gets rough. To have the opportunity to do that, just get away for a while. I wish I could afford that. I felt so resentful and angry at that moment.

"You should have called first" was all I could think to say. I didn't know what else to say. I felt like he caught me off guard, and there's nothing more I hate than that feeling. I wasn't ready to see him. It was so uncomfortable. I had imagined this encounter in my head, but not like this. Not in my "starbucks" uniform, not in an overheated small room with my hair a mess.

"I'm sorry, I just got back. I wanted to see you. You're mother gave me the address"

"Yeah, How is my Mom?", I said "I haven't seen her in weeks."

"She's worried about you"

That's funny.

He looked around my new room, he looked at all the boxes, the small window facing a brickwall, the unmade bed, the clutter. I saw pity in his eyes. I don't want his pity. He pushed aside some of my books and sat on my bed. He was quiet and just looked down at his hands.

He told me he had been doing a lot of "thinking", He said he still cared about me. I didn't say anything.

But he said something that made me want to start crying. He said "I have this vision of my life. I see myself getting married, I see myself having kids and having a nice house in upstate New York. When I imagine these things, the person I see myself with is you. I want it to be you."

I was quiet. I told him I just needed some time alone to think about everything and I told him I was sorry. He moved over to hug me and I pulled away, shaking my head and looking down.. Once he was gone, I tried to go back to what I was doing..but I couldn't think straight. I don't know what I feel right now. I have this confused knot in my stomach. It doesn't feel like it's even happening to me, but to someone else.

Seeing him again, brought up all these emotions..these memories..

To be honest, I'm thinking about it right now. I'm actually thinking about going back to Luke, I can't believe he still wants me. I hurt him, I screwed up everything and there he was telling me his still cared. But I have to know how Michael feels for me first. Because at this moment, the only person I can think of is him. I just want to be with him.

But noone has ever loved me unconditionally the way Luke has, maybe he is the one and I'm too stupid to realize it.

There's something about the things he said to me today, the way he looked at me..the way he has forgiven me. I expected him to attack me and he just came with love. It threw me completely off guard, it's unexpected and it's making me question everything.

Stacey left for a doctor's appointment. I'm going to talk to her about this when she gets back, I think she might be able to put things in the right perspective.
posted by Iris at 7:25 PM | link

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Life goes on

No one from my everyday life knows about this journal.

I'm thinking of sharing this with my bestfriend, Carl. I mentioned in passing that I kept a diary online and he asked to read it. I hesitated and then said that I would think about it.

I'm a little nervous about showing this to him though.

I guess, it has to do with how openly I talk about sex. I'm afraid he's going to think I'm crazy for writing about such intimate things about my life in an open place where strangers can actually read this

I'm more open here about my feelings than I am with some of the people I see every day, even those that are closest to me. It feels safe though, like my secret place where I don't hold back or censor myself. Where I write honestly about the things I struggle with and I don't have to wear a mask.

I didn't talk to my boss last night, I'm a coward. I'm not going to quit my job.

Life goes on as usual.
posted by Iris at 11:24 PM | link

Friday, August 12, 2005

I want to quit my job

I want to quit my bartending job.

Last night I feel like my boss really crossed the line but to be honest I'm not sure if I'm simply blowing it all out of proportion. I'm not trying to make this into a drama but It just didn't feel right.

He came behind the bar at 1 A.M. and I could tell he'd been drinking. He started joking around with some of my co-workers. I ignored him and stayed at the far end of the bar serving customers.

He came up to me from behind, His body was up against mine and he whispered in my ear "You're not sour are you?"

I didn't turn around. I just shook my head. I wasn't sure what he was talking about. I assume it was our talk last week in his office about my "work ethic"

"You're doing a good job, Iris", He said "Just sometimes you have to make sure everyone stays in line. It's what I do"

"Of course"

I despise this man.

Then he squeezed my ass

I didn't move, I just froze and stared straight ahead. He lingered behind me for a moment, then laughed. Then said "Keep it up". He walked away.

I clenched my jaw and contemplated chasing after him, kicking him in the balls, splashing a glass of vodka in his face and yelling "I quit you stupid son of a bitch!!"

But I just kept working, because I can't quit. I need this job, It's my main source of income. But I might as well be a stripper because this is degrading enough. I'd make more money as a stripper to be honest.

I told Stacey about it this morning. She was thoughtful, and she said "If you want to quit this job, DO IT. I'll help support you while you're looking for another job"

"Did you ever want to quit?"

"Sure, but not because I was sexually harrassed by the boss, just because I was tired of it"

"So... why didn't you?"

"The money is good, it's what I do. I know everyone there. It's close to my home. It's all I've ever done"

So for the first time, I'm seriously contemplating the idea of quitting this job. On the other hand, so my boss got drunk and squeezed my ass.... Call the press. Big freaking deal. Who am I anyway? What difference does it make?

Maybe I should talk to him and tell him that it bothered me.

But that would mean talking to him about it. Which I probably wont ever do. I'll probably just forget about it tomorrow and go on as usual. Because, what other choice do I have?

I'm sure some people are reading this and thinking "Well I would never allow myself to be treated that way"

Well... Good for you.

I'm not going to financially depend on Stacey for survival and I'm not going to call my mother to help me out either. Those are the only options if I quit this job. Who says I'll even find another one?

I'm so tired of this.

It's so hot today, I feel like I can't breath..I feel myself sinking into a low mood of despair. I have to head to work in 45 minutes, but all I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep the day away.
posted by Iris at 11:53 AM | link

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Exhausted

Working two jobs is so fucking exhausting.

Yesterday morning I worked my first day at "Starbucks". (Yes, I got the job) I was hired by a guy that looked about the same age as me. He seems sweet, with a slight stutter and a nervous twitch. I kind of liked him and I'll admit that I flirted slightly to get the position. He was so patient while he explained how to work the machines. I was so dead tired and hung over from my late shift at my bar job. It was hard to even focus and I had to keep concealing my yawns. The people I work with are preppy and all college students.

I have nothing in common with any of them, they're from another planet: "Banana Republic planet", one that I rarely visit. They all seem wealthy too, like they're doing the job just to get free Latte's and to hang out with their friends.

Whatever. I need the money.

It's hard working until 4 A.M. at the bar, then starting work at my second job at 9:30 A.M. After that job lets out, I have only a few hours before I have to return to the bar. My social life and free time are gone.

I saw Michael last night. He came by while I was locking up. I was so tired, I didn't even have the energy to play hard to get or get emotional over his "We're going too fast" statement. I've already cried all my tears, I'm drained.

I just took his hand into mine and kissed him. He kissed me back with such passion and pushed me up against the wall. I invited him back home.

When we were in my little room. He said something about how sorry he was.

"I just don't know what we're doing right now. I can't be that guy for you, Iris. I can't live up to your expectations. I can't give you what you need."

I pulled off my uniform top, I liked his eyes on me..I like seeing his pupils enlarge and how his breath gets caught in his throat at the sight of my breasts. I like seeing the bulge form in his pants..I love the way he makes me feel, I pulled down my skirt and tugged slightly at the edge of my panties.

"I just want you to make me shake..I need to feel you inside of me and taste your skin. That's all I need..just make me tremble again.."

That's the truth too, I'm too tired to play games. If he can't give me anything..fine. Then this relationship will be all about sex. I'm willing, I want it. He wants it..

And it makes me feel so good, so alive.

He came up, and slid down my panties.. then he pushed me down on the bed. I think back to last night and I have to close my eyes.

Afterwards he held me as I fell asleep, for a few moments I can imagine that this relationship is going somewhere. I feel less alone. I know that sounds pathetic.

He left about 2 hours ago for work, and now I'm sitting here in only my panties because it's so hot right now. The window is open, and no breeze is coming in. I need a fan..

I have to get dressed, my shift starts in a half an hour. the only good thing about this second job is that it's only a ten minute walk from Stacey's apartment.

I'm doing better than I was in the last entry. I'm kind of embracing the whole "No expectations, No disappointment" philosophy. Just living in the moment and taking things day by day.

P.S. thank you...you know who you are
posted by Iris at 12:00 PM | link

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I feel so alone

I knew this was going to happen.

"I think we're moving too fast"

Michael came by the bar tonight, and after work we went to get a few cocktails together. He told me this while we were sitting in comfortable chairs laughing over 2 Cosmo's. The minute he said that, the jovial mood was over. It was like a splash of ice cold water.

"What do you mean?", I knew what he meant and I knew why he said it. This was because I had said I loved him the other night. I freaked him out, I shouldn't have said it. It just came out..

"I don't know", He said "It's just a feeling"

"oh."

I was quiet. I got up to use the bathroom and once I entered the stall, my eyes filled with the tears I had been fighting during the entire conversation.

I'm such an IDIOT!

Why did I put myself in this situation, why am I letting myself fall in love with him? I know I shouldn't.

When I got out, I told him I was really tired and just wanted to go home.

He started to say something, but I cut him off. I put the money for my part of the drinks on the table and said goodbye. Then I walked out of the restaurant.

FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm crying right now and I don't even mean that. I'm just hurting. Why does it have to be like this with him?! Why is it that as soon as we start getting close, he starts pulling away?

Why can't I just have a normal relationship? Is there something wrong with me?

I just need to take a deep breath and be rational about this. I just have so many emotions swirling in my head. I see where this is heading. He's starting to lay the foundation to break off this relationship.

Maybe I should have stayed and listened to what he had to say. But I didn't want him to see me cry, I didn't want him to see the pain in my eyes. I didn't want him to know that he has given me a reason to go on. He gave me something to look forward to, He gave me passion, excitment, happiness in what was previously such a bleak existance I was living.

I don't have much..I don't have anything! Somehow when I was with him, I didn't focus on it. I was in the moment..I was sexual..he brought out this side of me and now

I'm afraid of so many things, and I keep running away rather than opening up about my feelings.. I am such a foolish foolish confused girl.

I'm sorry, this probably makes no sense, I 've been drinking. But what else is new? It's like 4something in the morning Go ahead...

JUDGE ME.

I feel so alone.
posted by Iris at 7:03 AM | link

Monday, August 08, 2005

Luke

Luke just called.

I heard his voice on Stacey's answering machine while I was in the kitchen 5 minutes ago.. I completely froze and just stared at it.

"Iris..It's Luke. Iris..If you're there pick up..Iris?..(then I heard indistinct voices in the background and the sound of a click. After a 10 second pause I heard the dialtone)

This feeling of guilt washed over me. I replayed it..listening closely to try to make out the other voices, to figure out where he was calling from. Then I pressed delete.

How did he get the number here?

I'm not going to focus on this right now. I don't want to go down that road. I'm not ready to talk to him.

I forgot to mention this in my previous entry, I have a job interview tomorrow at Starbucks. I hope I get this job, I need the money so badly.

I have to head to work. I feel really on edge and sad today. The last voice I wanted to hear was Luke's..it's bringing back all these negative memories.
posted by Iris at 11:03 PM | link

Sunday, August 07, 2005

My fear

Michael hasn't called me and he wasn't at the bar last night.

I don't want to call him.

I know this is due to fear.

I have this fear of being like my mother.

You might have noticed I've never written about my father in this blog. That's because he's not a part of my life. He divorced my mother when I was 12 years old. I watched my mother call him nearly every day for 3 years afterwards, she couldn't let go.

I watched her pace around the phone, walking back and forth looking at her clock. She knew when he got back from work and she knew that there was a few hours inbetween before his new wife came home. I remember sitting in the dining room observing her behavior her and thinking she was so pathetic.

When she called him, He usually cut her off after 15 minutes and hung up..but during that time, she would try to win him back. I heard the desperation in her voice.

After the phonecalls, she would usually cry. Not sobbing on the floor type crying or anything. But lean against the kitchen sink with tears in her eyes and wiping them away with the tips of her fingers all shakily.

It was pitiful.

No. I'm not going to be like that.

ever.
posted by Iris at 7:18 AM | link

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Late night

Michael is lying in bed across from me as I type this. He's sleeping sprawled out, with the blankets tangled around his waist. His hair is falling over the pillow and I'm watching his chest rise and fall. I can't fall asleep, so I thought I would type an entry..

I just hope that the sound of the keys clicking don't wake him up. I'm trying to type gently and quietly.. Although, part of me hopes it does. I'm feeling incredibly aroused right now, I want to crawl across the bed and climb on top of him. But I know he has get up early in the morning to go to some meeting with his parents.

Even the feeling of the fabric of my tanktop moving over my breasts when I shift in the chair is turning me on.

Maybe I can just kiss him..just run my tongue down his body and he'll wake up to the feeling of warm wet lips on his hard on..

Isn't that how every guy wants to wake up?

Okay, I have to stop. I shouldn't update anymore when I'm drunk..Since taking down my comments section, I forget that other people out there might be reading this.

Tonight I was on top, I loved how he guided my hips with his hands..I love how he looked up at me.

At one point, he moved up to touch my breasts..He cupped them in hands. My eyes were closed and he whispered "look at me"

I opened my eyes, My whole body was shaking..He always picks the moments I'm most vulnerable, when he's inside of me to say these things..

'I have so many feelings for you..just all these feelings.."

"I Love you too", I said

I shouldn't have said that, I know..It just came out..it was how I felt. He

I have to go, I think he's waking up..I'm going to press publish and log off. I don't want him to see this right now.
posted by Iris at 6:04 AM | link

Friday, August 05, 2005

Breathless

I didn't know that a man could feel it when a woman orgasms...

Michael and I were together in the kitchen last night after my job hunting escapade. I sat on the edge of the kitchen table and told him about my day. He watched me..when I was finished. His eyes were focused on my legs swinging back and forth under the table.

"That's so cute how you do that.."

"What?"

"the way you swing your legs when you talk, and how you shrug..the way you tilt your head to the side when you're in deep thought"

I felt self-conscious and laughed. I didn't know he was observing my mannerisms. I stopped swinging my legs.

"I like this skirt"

"It was cheap" (I say the stupidest things)

He put his hand on my thigh, and I immediately felt heat rise to my face. My body responds to his touch automatically, I can't even control it. He slowly ran his hand up under my skirt. I shifted slightly..

He asked me to open my legs. I did, while watching him. He looked into my eyes and pushed his finger inside of me, so slowly. Then he kissed me, it was such a passionate kiss..while he was kissing me, I kept taking sharp intakes of breaths because of what he was doing..so gently and yet with enough pressure to send me over the edge. He knew it too..I felt like he was playing with me. Just to watch me squirm, watch me become breathless on his kitchen table..

I bit his lip at one point..then whispered "I'm going to.."

"I know I can feel it"

How can he feel it? He ran his hand over my cheek..and looked into my eyes. "I wanted you too, Iris..like this, I just wanted to touch you and see you enjoying it, see you look at me..the way you are right now"

To orgasm while someone is saying this to you and holding your face. Is the most intense experience. Afterwards I was trembling and I couldn't even compose myself. I had to escape to the bathroom and splash water on my face. Then I felt myself starting to cry.

I'm falling for him so hard.

I'm going to get so hurt.

and that was just before dinner, we were up all night..we made love 3 times. We didn't crash until 5:30 A.M...a sweaty mess. I'm really tired right now, but in a blissful state.

3 times! One night! I'm also sore, I have rose tinted marks on the areas of my body he licked and suckled..I have a few scratches on my back, my legs feel weak like I ran an entire marathon, My head is light. I feel like I'm on some kind of crazy drug and I can't get enough of it.

I feel like a different person.
posted by Iris at 3:29 PM | link

Thursday, August 04, 2005

How do you define a relationship?

I've become one of those girls that can't stop thinking about their boyfriend all the time.

Today Stacey was talking to me about something and my mind kept wandering. I kept seeing Michael's face in my mind, remembering the feel of his kisses, remembering our bodies entangled together. The heat rose to my face and I smiled. Last night Michael came to my room and he had to leave just after midnight. I lay there still feeling him after he was gone, shifting in the blankets..The lingering sensation of his body heat and weight stayed with me..I fell asleep easily with the knowledge that I would see him again tomorrow...

"You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" Stacey asked suddenly

"What?", then I laughed "What? yes..I'm listening!"

"What was I saying?.."

"Something about..I can't remember"

Stacey laughed and she reached out to touch my face in a surprisingly comforting and sisterly way. Sometimes my relationship with Stacey is like the relationship I wish I had with my own sister. She gives me that. She's given me so much, I just think about it and I want to cry. I don't know how to repay her. Then she said "I'm really happy for you, Iris..You're actually glowing right now"

The truth is, I don't even know if Michael is my boyfriend. I don't even know how to define our relationship. I guess, technically we're just sleeping together. I've never really had a relationship like this, so I don't know how it works.

I know I shouldn't expect anything from him, I know I'm lowering my standards by allowing it to go on like this. But he's providing me with everything I need. I just need someone to be there, someone to hold me close and make me feel special. He's giving me that. I don't need any more.

Today, I'm going to put in some job applications, I desperately need a second job so I can move out of Stacey's apartment. Although it's nice living with her and the situation is working out fine. I feel like I'm living in her space and I don't want to impose on her for too long. I don't want to overstay my welcome. There are openings in Starbucks, Target, some telemarketing jobs, waitressing at T.G.I. Friday's and a secretary position.

I have my fingers crossed.

Michael called me this morning, He asked me what I was doing today and I told him that I was job hunting.

He said "good luck"

I'm going to see him again later on tonight.
posted by Iris at 5:19 PM | link

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I feel so alive

Oh god..Last night..

Last night just comes back to me in flashes of images and makes my entire body tingle..I'm just so happy right now, completely giddy and smiling as I type this. I haven't felt this way in so long. These past two days have been like a re-awakening for me.

I brought Michael back here after a night of dancing. He fell on the bed and looked up at me. "I'm sorry", He had said

"for what?"

"For not calling you..I was just fucking scared", I could see only his silhoutte because the room was dark and the light was coming from behind him through the bedroom window. "I just came out of a messed up relationship..a long one. I'm not ready for this. I don't know what I'm doing right now"

"It's okay, I don't know what I'm doing either"

He was quiet. I just watched him..He's always so quiet. His feelings come out in bursts and then he keeps them in for days. I can't read him sometimes.

I realize I keep a lot in too. Sometimes I want to just pour it all out. Just tell him how scared I am of life, how lost I feel, how much I'm struggling on my own, how much I sometimes hate my life. But I can't.. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I want to remain elusive and perfect in his eyes. I want to remain that beautiful bartender that he makes love to. Not someone he has to worry about. I want this relationship to be different. He is my escape.

He reached out and touched my face, then ran his fingers over my lips..I smiled and then opened his mouth, letting him slide his finger inside and ran my tongue over it. He pulled away.

"My God..", He whispered "Sometimes I can't believe you're real"

I felt that way about him, but I didn't say it. I love hearing him speak..I love the way his words made me feel.

He started to kiss me, and his hands moved down my neck..and over my shirt. He stroked my nipple through the fabric. His other hand moved under my skirt, slowly sliding over the flesh of my inner thigh. He has this way of just building up the anticipation, I can hardly breath.

Sex was different this time. When he pushed inside of me, He did it so slowly..and then would pull out. He was teasing me deliberately..I was actually trembling, He would push in so deeply and just hold it there. It wasn't fast, or hard..it was just intense..

Please, I hope this never ends..I feel so alive right now.


posted by Iris at 5:10 PM | link

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

hot and bothered

He just called.. I'm going to see him again tonight..

It's amazing how slow time can pass when you're just waiting to be touched again and thinking back to the moments shared...

His eyes..his shoulders..his hands..his scent..the way he kisses my breasts...his tongue..

Everytime I think about it, I feel this intense heat and I just lay down, with my toes curled and smile into the pillow..

Oh god..

Okay, I need to get out of the house and get some air...
posted by Iris at 4:46 PM | link

It happened

Okay, there has been a major development in my life that occured in the past 17 hours.

Michael and I slept together.

He was at the bar when I went to work last night. At first I didn't approach him, I intentionally served the other customers first. I was nervous and insecure. I can't even describe all the thoughts that ran through my mind when I saw him. I didn't know where we stood with eachother.

Finally I walked up to him and didn't look into his eyes. I asked him what he wanted to drink.

He grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry I didn't call"

I just shrugged. "Whatever"

"Do you want to come to my apartment tonight after work?"

"I don't know" (He had some balls to ask that after blowing me off all week!)

He just stared at me.

"I'm really busy, what do you want to order?", I asked him this while looking over his head. I didn't want him to see that I was hurting or that I was scared. It was easier to be cold than to start crying again.

I served his drink and then went to the other side of the bar. He sat there all night drinking and smoking. Everytime I looked at him, He was staring off into space. I gazed at his profile and my heart was pounding so hard in my chest. I was really yearning for him and so grateful that he didn't just leave like most guys would have after being treated so coldly. He sat there for six hours. When my shift ended, he came up to me as I was locking up some of the cabinets.

"Please come home with me"

I was quiet. Then I nodded, but I didn't look at him. I couldn't say no, I wanted to so badly and he knew it.

His flat is a studio apartment with big windows on the 22nd floor in a nice part of town. He has hardwood floors, and nice chinese lamps. I liked the artwork he had on the walls, everything was more classy than my apartment. I wondered what he had thought when he saw the crappy hole that I lived in.

He led me directly to the bedroom, then sat on the edge of the bed. I stared down at him, I didn't say anything. We just looked at eachother.

"You are so beautiful", He whispered. "When I first saw you, that's all I could think"

I looked down and shook my head. I heard the words, they affected me. But I couldn't accept them. He doesn't see the real me, the messed up me. Once he does, he'll leave me.

He pulled me down on the bed and we started kissing. I love the feeling of his lips, the feeling of his tongue sliding over mine and his taste. I love how his hair falls over his face and his eyes. I love the way he looks at me, he makes me feel so sexy. He makes me forget all my problems and in that moment, it's just us. Everything falls away, nothing else matters.

He pulled my shirt over my head and started kissing my breasts, his hands moving into my panties. I just let my head fall back and closed my eyes. I was close to having an orgasm in his hand.

He was on top of me, looked into my eyes and smoothed back my hair. I felt his erection against my inner thigh. "Are you sure you want this?"

I realized how close we were to having sex, just the anticipation of it was causing me to shake. I never felt like this before, I never wanted something this badly. It was never like this before, I can't even describe this. My words sound pornographic, but what it was is actually so much more.

He closed his eyes. "You're so wet"

Then he was pushing inside of me, I was trying not to... right away and just enjoy it. I even tensed of up my thighs..but it was impossible. I was so aroused, it was insane. When I did, he did a minute after. It just came in waves, I dug my nails into his back. I loved the sound of his moan and feeling muscles clenching in his back.

He fell on my chest after he came, his hair spread out of my breasts and he said "I'm sorry....it was because I felt you.."

"I know"

Michael smiled "I've wanted this.. Iris..suddenly it was happening and...."

"I know" We looked into eachother's eyes, and I smiled back. Then we kissed.

It was incredible, just that moment..I felt so close to him, so connected. Just to feel him inside of me for the first time and to have that experience with such intensity. It didn't last hours like in the romance novels, but my god..it was perfect

That's enough to make my happy for the rest of my life. Maybe it's because I've wanted it for so long. Because it was so real, and so raw.

While we were laying there, He was drawing designs over my breasts with the tip of his finger slowly. It was causing goosebumps to crawl up my entire body.I smiled and closed my eyes.

It's strange how sex can change you're entire perspective, I've been walking on a cloud all day. I've been humming and nothing has brought me down. Even my mother's judgmental message on Stacey's answering machine. Even my landlord telling me that I wont be getting my deposit back. Even the fact that I went through the classified this morning and saw no good job opportunities. None of that even matters right now. I'm not thinking of where this relationship is heading or even if it's heading anywhere.. I'm just happy, no one can take that away from me.
posted by Iris at 2:28 PM | link