Sunday, July 03, 2005

Torn

What do you do when you're engaged to one person, but you have feelings for and desire someone else?

During our cigarette break outside the bar last night, I asked my co-worker and friend, Stacey this question.

Stacey is 15 years older than me, Her hair is dirty blond and in an over-processed perm style that reminds me of 1987. Her skin is weathered and her eyes tired from working over 17 years in this bar. She's the oldest employee in the company and has been here the longest. I really admire her realness, her honesty and her confidence. She doesn't take crap from any of the patrons. She always keeps the upperhand and is a bit cynical. Life can beat down on you, but she hasn't let it knock her down entirely. There's a sadness about her too. It's hard to define in words. She and I bonded over the past year, she's the only person I really can confide in during work hours.

Her answer surprised me:

"A lot of people will disagree with me on this. But I'm going to give you my advice. You can take it or leave it. It's your life. But I think you shouldn't let Luke go. As you grow older you'll see that a good, honest man that is willing to commit his life to you is hard to find. You're lucky"

I know this.

"But the fact that you have desires for someone else is an indication that you still have some wild oats to sow. You still have some issues to resolve. My advice is to persue those feelings, you should approach Michael and tell him what you want. You should experience it, you should have a passionate night and fullfill your dream. Than let it go. Never tell Luke about this. Ever. What he doesn't know wont hurt him. Then you'll be able to commit entirely to the relationship you're in. You wont wonder about "what COULD have been.."

"That means lying to him! Cheating on him!" honestly I was shocked by what she had said

"It depends on how you look at it. You're just withholding information..for his own sake"

I was thoughtful. I had to digest this idea. "I don't even know if Michael wants me..I don't know if he has any desire to be with me at all"

Stacey smiled "True, but I'll let you in on a little secret", She said and she put out her cigarette on the street. We were outside, and it was starting to drizzle. The cars were driving by in blurs and the traffic light changing. All this activity and yet I was totally in my own little world. My own little drama. "Michael came by friday night and asked for you"

Oh my god! When she said that I felt all these emotions rushing back, foolish foolish emotions. It gave me this rush, and I smiled. "really??"

She nodded. Then she went inside.

The rest of the night I kept scanning the bar, hoping to see him.

But he never came.

I have to get dressed, Today is going to be a big deal. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm leaving the city to see Luke's family, and my mother is coming to pick me up. I'll be there for 2 days. I'm dreading this whole experience I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just taking it day by day.

My landlord confronted me on Saturday before I left for work about the rent. I'm 5 days late. It's just that since I quit my second job, I've been coming up short at the end of the month. I'm going to have to ask my mother to help out again.

This is so embarrassing. I thought I would be entirely self-sufficient by age 21. It didn't quite work out that way. It could be worse, of course, I could have noone to turn to.
posted by Iris at 12:06 PM