Sunday, July 24, 2005

A stupid question

Michael and I keep coming so close to having sex, but then he pulls back. It was confusing, and driving me half-mad. I finally brought up the subject.

"Why won't you have sex with me?"

I asked Michael this while we were laying in bed this morning. He had come back again after my shift last night, we returned and fell asleep after he had gone down on me.

"I don't want to hurt you"

"What do you mean?"

He sighed and just stared up the ceiling. "I don't know how long I'm going to be around", he said "I don't want to be remembered as that asshole that fucked you and then just left you"

"I wont remember you that way"

"That's what you say now"

I was quiet. I rolled over to face the wall, I wanted him to say that he he had deep feelings for me, that he was going to stay around. On one hand, he was right. I was going to get hurt, on the other hand..I wanted to live for the moment. I wanted to experience it. I really didn't care. "I'm not a stupid child", I muttered sarcastically. "I'm a 'big girl', I can handle it"

"I'm not saying you're a child", He said kissing my shoulder "I'm just saying that I don't want to hurt you. It's different with you. I care about you. You've been through a lot. We should just take it slow"

I nodded. Then there was this uncomfortable stretch of silence.

"I have to go", He said quietly

"Sure"

"I'll call you"

"Sure"

I felt his weight lift off the bed. I listened as he found his clothing, and he gave me a final kiss on the forehead before walking out the bedroom.

He is going to hurt me, I'm already hurting so what difference does it make? I'm so lost right now. I keep thinking of that conversation, I didn't get up from bed for an hour. I just lay there alone staring at the wall.

I have to finish packing my boxes, this is going to be a stressful day. I don't have much time left before I have to move out and I'm not even half-way ready for it.
posted by Iris at 3:33 PM