Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Numb

I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of the telephone ringing. I picked it up and it was my mother.

She started going off on me. Apparently Luke told his mother everything. Luke's mother called MY mother all upset. What the hell? I couldn't believe this.

She basically said "I've never been more disappointed, ashamed, and horrified with your behavior before. How could you do this? What were you thinking? What is wrong with you? Why would you destroy a relationship like this?. I am so embarrassed right now with you. I can't even begin to tell you" etc etc.

I listened to her with my eyes closed. Why wasn't she on my side? I'm her daughter.

I tried to explain. I never had a very open relationship with my mother, so it was foolish of me to try to open up. It was stupid of me to think that I could get her to see things from my perspective. But believe me, I tried.

"I didn't love him the way that I should.."

Her answer: "Iris, the only person you love..is yourself"

and she hung up on me! I started to cry. I hate how my mother is. I hate myself right now too.

But honestly, Now I'm just numb. I'm not even emotional anymore. I took the phone off the receiver after that, and didn't answer the door. The door buzzer went off five times. I didn't even get up. I just poured some vodka into a glass filled with ice. Then laid in bed the entire day just watching shitty daytime television shows. I didn't get dressed, I didn't eat, I didn't even take a shower this morning.

I just shut off. I also called in sick from work. I need to escape. I can't face life right now. I can't handle this.
posted by Iris at 7:52 PM