Thursday, July 07, 2005

A New Beginning

"You can't always get what you want..
No..You can't always get what you want..

But if you try sometimes..
You might just find..

You get what you need."

-Rolling stones





I was listening to this song on the small radio I have balanced on my kitchen radiator this morning during breakfast. Somehow it calmed me and I was able to put life in the right perspective. I realize I've been going about things wrong lately and not seeing things clearly.

I talked to my landlord and told him I wanted to move out. He said I have to post my own classified ad for the apartment for rent. Then I have to contact him to meet the potential renters. I can move out once I have a replacement that he finds suitable. I also have to repaint certain rooms and have the carpets in the bedroom "professionally cleaned' if I want to receive my deposit back. This is a pain.

This morning, I woke up in the afternoon because I had to work double shifts in the bar. I didn't return until 4 A.M., and still couldn't fall asleep.

I have to admit that I searched for Michael in the crowds of customers while I was working last night, but he was nowhere in sight.

It's really time for me to let go.

I started putting a few things in boxes, sorting through some of the things I don't need to use.

So this is it. It's official, I'm getting married. I'm moving in with Luke. My entire life is going to change, it's time to start accepting it. Luke is coming by before I leave for work again tonight. We're going to catch a movie and he wants to talk about some other things.

A part of me still feels fear and wants to pull the brakes on all of this. But I'm in too deep and everyone has assured me that it's natural to have cold feet before making a lifetime commitment. It was dissolve, our love will grow and I'll be happy.

Maybe I should start sending out for some local college brochures.. I should enroll in some classes. I want to study dramatic arts..but my mother is against that. She says it's not "practical"

For a long time I was stubborn and said I'd rather not go to school at all then give up my dream.

But my dream is over.

I woke up.

I don't care what I study anymore, I just need a college education and I need my mother's financial help to make it possible.. I can't work as a bartender for the rest of my life.
posted by Iris at 5:54 AM