Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Moving out

I was in the shower last night and started to remember my experience with Michael. Remembered his skin against mine, the feel of his kisses running down my body and that sensation of bliss in my stomach.

He still hasn't called me. I'm such a stupid idiot and I write about it here for anyone to see. There I was happy in "laa-laa land". thinking that I actually meant something to him, that he actually cared about me. I wanted to believe it was something more than a passing physical attraction. I destroyed my engagement, and everything has fallen apart

for what?

I stared at the shower curtain, and then let my body slide down the wall. I just started to sob, just sitting their on the dingy tile floor with the water spraying on my knees. I can't remember when I stopped crying..it just aches so bad.

At 11 P.M., I called some of my friends I've been neglecting for a while and invited them over in hopes of snapping out of my mood. I ended up getting incredibly drunk as an attempt to escape all my problems and passed out on the coffee table. I woke up, everyone was gone and the place was a mess. I have a bruise on my forehead.

This morning while pulling my body up off the coffee table disoriented, I realized that I have to stop drinking. The problems are still there the next day, it doesn't make them go away. It just makes everything worse.

I have to pack up this computer, the next time I log on it will be from Stacey's apartment. I'm starting to move out tonight.

Carl agreed to take care of my cat.

I feel so empty and alone. This is not what I imagined my life would be like. I wish I could start all over.
posted by Iris at 4:41 PM