Wednesday, July 13, 2005

A Mistake

I made a terrible mistake. We kissed.

Michael was there at the bar last night and I was avoiding him. I was so afraid. I was actually hiding.

"tell him", Stacey had said urgently "tell him now"

"I can't!", I shook my head looking down. "I can't. I can't. I can't"

I saw Michael leave his booth seat with his friends and head to the restroom. This was it, I realized she was right. I had to tell him how I felt..I had to put it on the table. So I moved out from behind the bar and followed him.

I waited for him in the narrow hallway outside the men's room for him to emerge. I was so nervous. I just stood there while people brushed past me and stared at a concert poster.

When Michael came out, He bumped directly into me.

"Hey!", He said

I stared up at him. I was trembling. I crossed my arms over my chest. "Do you know?", I asked

He just stared at me.

I was close to losing my nerves, but the alcohol running through my veins helped me get over it. I felt so lost and so confused. I just wanted to start crying in his arms. Instead I said "Do you know how much I want you?"

He reached out and touched my face, then ran his hand down my neck. "You're shaking", He said

I only nodded.

Then we were kissing, I can't even tell you how it happened. Just suddenly my back was up against the wall and his lips were on mine. I loved the taste..the feeling. It was such a passionate kiss, His tongue sliding inbetween my lips and his body pressed against mine. His hands moving me..It was so intense.

Someone bumped into us trying to get through the narrow hallway to the ladies room. She muttered something about "getting a room" or something rude to that effect. We moved slightly to let her pass. Then we stared at eachother.

He leaned his head on the wall and exhaled.

I stared at him fearfully. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking..I'm drunk and you're engaged"

At that moment, I felt foolish and horrible. The realization of what had just happened hit me fully. He must think I'm this unfaithful slut. I touched my lips absently and felt myself starting to cry. I walked away from him quickly..I went behind the bar and told Stacey I had to leave. I asked her to cover for me. She kept asking me what happened, but I couldn't tell her. I just wanted to get out. I needed to get out.

I ran home, got drunk and passed out crying.

Now it's the next morning and I realize fully that I've crossed the line. It's official. I cheated. There's no way of rationalizing it. There's no way of trying to word it differently. I am scum. I'm a cheater. I just did the same thing that Brian did to me 6 months ago. I swore I wouldn't be the kind of person that did things like that, especially knowing all the pain it brings. But I did.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even LIKE myself anymore.

I have to tell Luke. He's going to find out at some point, I'd rather he hear from me. I'm going to be honest entirely. Having secrets and telling lies is no way to start a marriage. I'm going down the wrong road, I see this. It has to end here.

I just want to kick myself, I keep squeezing my thigh tightly everytime I think about this and then exhaling loudly. I'm so upset with myself right now, I can't even think straight.
posted by Iris at 12:28 PM