Friday, July 01, 2005


Last night at work, I saw him.

He approached the bar, and sat down on the stool. I just froze and felt like I couldn't breath. How can someone affect me so strongly?..just from seeing him?. I feel like my legs turn into jelly. My heart always starts pounding faster..I can actually feel it in my ears.

At the same time, I felt this euphoric anticipation in my chest..and desire to smile. It's like I come to life again when he's in the same room.

I had to steady myself before approaching him, I'm so afraid he can see it in my eyes..

My friend, Stacey whispered in my ear "Are you going to serve him..or should I?"

I just shook my head, and walked up to him.

When he saw me he smiled, this lazy warm smile. "Hi again"

"Hey" It's strange how just this moment made my entire night at work worth it. Made everything. I know I sound sad and infactuated, I know clearly how I sound. But if I can't express these feelings in a journal? Then where can I? This is my outlet.

He ordered a "Sex on the Beach", while I mixed the drink I felt his eyes on me. My hands were shaking under the bar. I saw there were other people waiting for drinks, but I didn't care. I took my time.

When I placed down the napkin and the glass on top of it. He looked down at my engagement ring.

"You're..Married?", he asked.

I felt this crushing restricting feeling in my chest when I responded "Engaged."

He stared at me. I wanted so badly for him to say something in that moment. Anything. Tell me that you feel something for me! Tell me that you're sad to hear that! Tell me that you can't stop thinking of that kiss too! Tell me I shouldn't get married!

Tell me something.. just say something!

But he simply looked down, took the drink, put out his cigarette and said "Congratulations". Then he walked away from the bar.

I stood there, and I felt myself trembling. I didn't know what to do with myself. Someone on the other side of the bar was snapping his fingers at me and saying "missy..excuse me?...Hello?"

I started absently wiping down the bar top..I felt the tears blur my vision. I dropped the towel and locked myself into a bathroom stall.

I just couldn't stop crying. I sat in that tiny stall, sitting on the toilet seat in my uniform..just sobbing into my hands for 15 minutes until my co-worker came in and told me I have to tell someone when I plan on taking a break. Not just "Disappear".

I wiped my tears, made a show of flushing the toilet and emerged apologetically.

I hate my life right now.

Luke is coming over in 25 minutes, He's taking me out for dinner tonight. I have to get dressed. I have to pull myself together. I have to snap out of this. I have to keep things in the right perspective. I have to stop behaving like this...

right now.
posted by Iris at 10:22 PM