Saturday, July 02, 2005

Lust vs. Love

When we make love I feel empty.

It's like I'm going through the motions, moaning at the appropriate moments and forcing an occasional sharp intake of breath. But for the most part I have my eyes closed. Sometimes I open them and see a flash of his shoulderblade..his chest..his hair falling on my cheek while his face is buried in my neck. I feel his breath on me, I feel his hands on my body, the tenseness in his muscles..eventually his release.

And I'm just there.

Afterwards tonight he whispered that he loved me and kissed my neck, cheeks, lips, forehead.

He really loves me. He really really loves me. I see it in his clear eyes. He touches me so tenderly. He sees a beauty in me that I don't even see in myself.

But when I say "I love you too", it sounds so hollow escaping from my lips.

I care for Luke, I care for him deeply. I love him, but not in the way that I should..not in the way he deserves to be loved.

Yet I'm so afraid of this fact and I want it to change so badly. I want to feel passionate for him, I want to feel certain that he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want these doubts. I wish they would go away.

I want to be content.

I realize that the only thing holding me back is my childhood fantasy. My idea of marriage when I was a child. I imagined marrying someone I would be deeply passionate about. I read those romance novels that described flowing hair, creamy bosoms and trembling thighs. The man had a "rod of desire" and the woman was aching for more. It was intense love and romantic.

I have to surrender the fantasy.

I also have to stop lusting after another man.

I have to accept that life isn't like the movies, Michael isn't secretly in love with me, and probably doesn't think about me half as much as I think of him.

He probably doesn't think of me at all.

I'm just a girl that works in the bar he frequents, some "chick" he kissed. Maybe he has a vague desire to "screw me". We have sexual chemistry, but that's not the basis of a potential future relationship.

I have to shift gears, accept the new path my life has taken. Luke is a blessing, he's a gift.

I'm going to love him, I'm going to love him with every fiber of my body. The love will grow over time. I know this. I don't know why I feel like crying while I type this..

Maybe it's because my cat is dry-heaving in the middle of the livingroom again. She's been sick on and off for a month and I can't afford to take her to the vet. Maybe it's because it's 2:30 A.M., and I've had too much to drink. Maybe it's fear.

This weekend Luke's family invited my family over for a Barbeque. It's going to be a huge gathering, joining of the families and celebration over our engagement.

I'm going to bed now. Anything I write further will only make me cringe when I wake up, I'm too tired to think straight. I just needed to get some feelings out.
posted by Iris at 5:55 AM