Sunday, July 31, 2005

Looking back

I just had a nightmare that my mother found this diary.

I came online to delete it..but then just before I pressed the final button, I stopped.

I hope she does find this.

This is my life, Mom. This is what happened to your little girl. Not so pretty, is it?

Have you ever had those moments where you stare in the mirror, and the memory of past times come back to you? You can see the path of your life and how it ended up the way it is? You look back at the crossroads you faced and realize that somewhere along the way you turn the wrong turn? If you can look back close enough, you can almost pinpoint the exact moment it happened?

4 years ago, I had graduated highschool and I remember that summer sending out for catalogues for different colleges that offered a good Dramatic Arts Major. When I received them, I went through them eagerly and poured over the photographs.. the courses they offered. I even filled out the forms.

When I showed them to my mother, instead of supporting me or encouraging me. She just laughed at me.

Then she started listing practical career-oriented majors I should pursue and colleges in the area that offer these programs. She said she would financially support me going to the college of HER choice, but not mine.

I didn't want to live out her dream, I wanted to live out my own. I was tired of being under her roof, adhering to her messed up rules, curfew and demands. She never listened to what I had to say and completely alienated me., it was hell for me. A Conservative Christian Republican hell.

So I took the graduation money I had received from my grandparents and used that to put down the deposit and first month rent on my own apartment. I left home. My mother didn't even say "Goodbye". When I told her I was leaving. She just smiled and said

"You'll be back"

I worked as a waitress for 2 and a half years, then I started my current job as a bartender.

My older sister took the other path, she did what my mother wanted. She went to Bucknell University, now has a big house with a two car garage, a husband and a successful career.

I know I took the hard road, But at least I stayed true to myself. Yes, I'm struggling, Yes it's tough, Yes I drink too much. Yes, I even write about my sexual encounters and my desires.

But this is who I am.

I want to think that there's still a way to turn everything around. But I'm not ashamed of where I'm at. Because everything in life happens for a reason.

So maybe I didn't take a wrong turn at any point.

I just wish I didn't feel so lonely, and I wish I felt like I had a real family to turn to. I wish Michael would call.

But C'est la vie.
posted by Iris at 10:18 AM