Sunday, July 17, 2005

I wrote this earlier today, but I was to ashamed to post it and saved it as a draft. But at this point, what difference does it make? I'm not going to censor myself here.


It's over.

I've crossed every line possible, there is no longer a turning back point. I don't even know how to begin to describe what happened last night. I don't even know if I should, but I need to get this out. It's eating away at me. I feel like I'm choking, I have a physical ache in my chest. I'm both ashamed and euphoric. It's a confusing state to be in.

It's 11: A.M., Sunday morning and Michael left my flat 2 hours ago.

He was waiting for me outside the bar last night after work. When I saw him, I couldn't even move.

He told me that we needed to talk and he asked if I would go out for coffee at the diner with him. I said "yes" because we did need to talk.

In the Diner we started talking, this was the first time we had an actual long verbal exchange that wasn't in a bar or a nightclub. This is the first time I really started to hear him speak. I watched him drink his coffee, smoke his cigarettes, and tell me about himself.

He works in his father's company, He's 23 years old, He left a six year relationship about 7 months ago. I just listened, fascinated. For so long I had imagined what he story would be..I had made up ideas in my mind. Maybe he was a tortured artist or a muscician...

But he does draw, and he offered to show me some of his artwork. He talks quietly and slowly..I loved the sound of his voice.

I was captivated and I felt myself falling hard. I had to stop myself..

At one point he put his hand on my thigh, I was wearing a he spoke to me, his hand moved up my inner thigh. I didn't stop him. He stroked my panties lightly with his thumb, and I started to shake. I was so turned on in that moment.

Then he stopped, his hand moved away. "I'm sorry", He whispered

"Do you want to come back to my apartment?", While the words escaped my mouth, I was aware of it happening but I don't think my brain was on.

We returned to my apartment and we just lay in bed. He pulled the shirt over his head and he was wearing his boxers. I just had on my panties and bra. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my neck..he moved his body against mine. I felt he was aroused. But he didn't do anything about it.

We just kissed and we fell asleep. We didn't have sex, It was amazing to fall asleep in his arms, I couldn't believe it was happening.

The next morning, I woke up and he was sitting on a stool near the window. He was having a cigarette. I just watched him, thinking.."oh my god..he's in my house!" It was an oddly surreal moment. Have you ever dreamt about a situation happening in your head in so many variations and when it does actually's never exactly the way you imagined, but it's wonderful in a way? You just want to bottle the moment, take it in..because you're afraid that if you close your eyes. for even one second. it will all dissolve?

"I have to tell my fiance", I said. It was the first thing that I had said.

Michael came over and lay next to me. "Why?"

"Because this is wrong"

"Before you do that..make sure you know what you're doing"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't leave him because of me. I can't give you a life long commitment, I can't make any promises..I can't even promise I'll be around tomorrow. "

I was quiet. I had to digest this..At least he was being honest. He wasn't filling my head with false promises. I respected that. "What can you give me?"

He didn't answer. He moved his hand down my thigh slowly, and this time slid his finger into my panties. At that point, I just closed my eyes..I can't even describe how it felt to be touched by him like that. Eventually he pulled off my panties and started kissing my thighs..his kisses moving inbetween my legs..Once his tongue slid inside me. My thighs were trembling and I had the most intense orgasm I've ever had in my life.

So that's what it's like.

to have your thighs tremble...

I thought that only happened in romance books.

I've never had someone do that to me before. I'll get more into that another time. There were so many "firsts" that occured last night..too many to list. It's incredibly overwhelming.

I wont lie and say I was filled with guilt while it was happening, I was enjoying every moment of it.

But that he's gone. I'm sitting alone in this apartment and I know I have to face Luke. I know I have to be honest.. It's weird, I'm torn between replaying the whole night over and over in my mind. Feeling this intense bliss that it happened, feeling alive, feeling..oh my god. Like whispering "holy shit!" constantly. I keep pacing around the apartment. But then I realize what happened..realize what this means.

The fairytale is over. I'm so scared.

I need to call Carl..I'm kind of freaking out right now. What have I become? I don't even recognize myself.
posted by Iris at 9:33 PM