Thursday, July 14, 2005

I couldn't.

I didn't tell Luke. When I saw him I just couldn't, He had brought over his brother and his sister yesterday for lunch. I couldn't discuss this in front of his family members.

When they left, We were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. He said. "I have good news", then he went on to explain that the landlord found someone to rent out my apartment and that I can move out in the beginning of August. He has reserved a moving van for the end of this month and told me where I can get free storage boxes.

While he was talking, I just sat there thinking "oh my am the fuck am I going to do now?"

I was so upset, I felt like the room was closing in on me. My options are dropping out of my view one by one. This isn't a game..for some reason, I thought that everything would fall into place at some point. That if I just took things day by day somehow the situation would iron itself out. That it would be okay. Yet while he said these things..this panic was twisting in my stomach. I kept opening my mouth to let everything pour out..but then I closed it again. He looked so happy and kept taking my hand into his.

I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. I lost all my courage. It's one thing to say in your mind "I'm going to tell him". It's another thing to be looking into his eyes and trying to form the words on your lips..

I've decided to pretend it never happened and I will make this up to him. I will be the greatest wife in the world..I will dedicate my entire life to making him happy. This was all a terrible mistake. We all make mistakes..we all have secrets..we all have things we would prefer to simply forget than admit.

I leaned across the table and started kissing him. I kissed him with all the passion I had. It didn't feel the same way as that kiss with Michael, but it felt comfortable and familiar. I tried to get into it, but I wasn't feeling aroused.

It didn't matter, I dragged him to the bedroom and we made love anyway. I lay on his chest afterwards just staring into the darkness, feeling afraid and lost.

I heard him whisper "I love you"

I can't destroy this.

I called off sick from work last night just to avoid seeing Michael. I feel this panic in my stomach, this feeling of dread. I feel as though my cards are stacked precariously..and they're all about to fall. I feel so guilty. I feel sick.


I shouldn't be writing about this here.

My logical brain knows this..and yet logging on for 15 minutes and documenting my life makes me feel strangely less alone. I want to believe that not everyone is reading this with judgment, but one or two people out there understand. Have been through this too and can relate. Plus the only subject I ever excelled in was English class. We kept an journal of life experiences, my teacher had mine published after he read it.

That was the only time my mother was proud of one of my accomplishments. I've kept a diary ever since..writing out my feelings and experiences was always an outlet for me. this one is online however. That might not be so wise. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But this should really be in a private paper diary shoved inbetween my mattresses.

on the other hand, why does it matter? We're all going to check out at some point, we all have fears, we all have struggles, we all fuck up..

We hide it well though and walk around in our masks. I'm so tired of it...
posted by Iris at 11:31 AM