Sunday, July 10, 2005

Friday night

It's 3:15 A.M., I'm alone tonight and unable to sleep..I'm on my second drink. Everything feels like a mess in my life right now.., sometimes typing it all out helps.

Friday night was..

How do I describe it? I have all these emotions rushing through me and I don't even know where to start?

Should I start with the guilt? Or maybe the fact that I feel alive again?

I guess, I'll start with the beginning.

Carl came by once I called him and told him that I had a date with Michael. He rushed over and we started going through my pathetic clothing collection attempting to figure out what to wear. One of the benefits of having a gay bestfriend is that he knows all the fashion and gives great advice. He actually listens and to the trivial things too.

Like should I wear a thong or bikini panties with the dress?

Bra:..pushup, regular, or no bra at all?

Shoes: The knee-high black boots or the strapless higheels?

He thinks about all of this deeply before answering. I was so nervous, I had to have a few shots first to calm myself. Carl kept saying "just breath..just breath". Luke called in the middle, He asked what I was doing that night.

I lied to him.

I told him I was sick. I know that's horrible. After I hung up the phone, I sat there in silence. "I can't do this"

Carl reassured me that I COULD do this. There was a long conversation..but I don't feel like going into everything that was said.

Then I was out the door and walking down the street to meet Michael. He was standing on the corner looking in the wrong direction. I approached him from behind and said "hi"

He turned and looked at me. His eyes moved over my body..taking in the dress..and my hair and my face. Then he smiled, that lazy smile that makes my heart start pounding too fast. "You look.."

"Great?", I offered hopefully.

"That's one word to describe it", He said. He cleared his throat and smiled. "I've just never seen you..like that"

"am I too dressed up?"

"No"

"okay..", I started feeling insecure.

But once we reached the club, the feeling started to evaporate. I was doing most the talking, Michael just listened. I loved the feeling of his eyes on me. We were able to move past the line at the entrance because he knew the bouncer. Once we were inside, it was hard to talk at all. The music was blasting, the lights were flashing, people were screaming, dancing, moving around. There was so much energy in the air..I felt so alive. I looked over at Michael and smiled.

He took my hand into his and we weaved through the crowds of people towards the D.J., than he introduced me.

Afterwards we found a booth seat and ordered drinks. At this point..it was all about body language. Just smiling, gesturing, furtive glances, touching of fingers. We looked at all the people dancing, I took it all in. But I was so aware of his leg touching mine under the table. I drank a little too quickly even though I was consciously trying not to and smoked too many cigarettes with him. I just needed something to do with my hands.

Eventually he asked me to dance. I had 3 drinks at that point. We were out on the dance floor and he really knew how to move. He held me from behind, moving his torso against mine to the beat. I felt as though we were entirely in rhythm, everyone around me just disappeared and I closed my eyes. Just enjoying the feeling of his hands on my hips, and his body against mine. I was so aroused and so in bliss.

A slow song came on, and he moved around to face me. We slow danced, his face was so close to mine. At one point, our lips grazed against eachother..then he moved away, so my lips were against his cheek. I could smell his aftershave and the prickly feeling of his four oclock shadow. His hand moved over the small of my back and he pushed me against him. We were grinding on the dancefloor..I felt his erection.

Then it ended..and he moved away from me slightly.

"The place is going to close soon", He said into my ear "I better get you home"

I tried to hide my disappointment, I was breathless and flushed. We checked out our light coats and started walking down the street in silence. I lived not too far away. We stood on the porch steps of my apartment building. He took my hand, then let it go.

"It was fun", I said. God, I wanted to invite him, so badly.. It took every ounce of willpower in my body not to crush my lips against his.

"Yes"

"So..Good night then", I looked at him, wishing he would say "NO! let me in! I want you!.."

But he just nodded.

I fumbled with the front door key, glanced at him one last time and entered the building. Once I closed the door, I leaned against it. I touched my chest, and looked up. Then I started crying. I think I had too much to drink.

I went upstairs and drank more. Shots of Vodka until I passed out on the livingroom sofa. I was trying to drink away my guilt, drink away my yearning for Michael, drink away the fact that I lied to Luke..

Now it's a day later, I'm trying to reflect on the events of the night and I don't know what to think, I don't know how to feel..I'm just numb. There are so many thoughts, but I can't even put them in words. I'll try this another time, I need to get some sleep..it's 3:30 now. My eyelids are feeling heavy, and the room is swimming. I have to stop using drinking as a means to escape my problems.

I've been avoiding Luke.

I took down my comments section temporarily because I'm afraid of being judged for this. All the advice that I've received has been really helpful and appreciated though. I took it all to heart and it gave me a lot to think about.

Believe me, I'm not proud of my behavior.
posted by Iris at 6:39 AM