Monday, July 25, 2005

Feeling low

"I'll call you."


Yesterday Michael didn't call. He wasn't at the bar. I searched for him with my eyes every few minutes the entire time. I left work disappointed. I sat by the phone, just staring at it. I was so tempted to pick it up and dial his number.

But I didn't.

He didn't call today either.

I think I scared him away with my sex question. How could I have been so foolish? Am I braindead? Why did I ask him that?

I feel so empty and these moments alone just sitting in my apartment filled with boxes is making me depressed. It's causing me to think of Luke, our relationship. Only a week ago I was going to be married, I had this whole new life ahead of me. Now I'm in a worse place then I was before.

I'm moving in with a co-worker, and I feel strange about it. I'm going to be living in someone else's space. I have no money, I don't know where I'm heading in life. I wonder what Luke is doing right now, what he's feeling. I haven't spoken to my mother or my sister in a long time. I feel like I have no family or friends. Carl came by yesterday but he didn't really have anything inspiring to say. He was in a low mood himself, so we just brought eachother down. When he left, I started crying.

Thinking about my experiences with Michael kept me going for a while, but the realization that he may never call me again is really crushing. It's not like he didn't warn me about this. He told me from the beginning that he couldn't give me anything. A part of me didn't believe him, a part of me thought he would.

My biggest problem at the moment however is what to do with my cat. (see photo) I found her 8 months ago, she was thin and homeless. Since then I've grown so attached to her. Stacey is allergic and I can't take it with me. I love my cat. I'm going to see if I can find someone to watch her for a while..I just don't know who will do it.

I have a lot of packing to do, I shouldn't be wasting my time writing out these depressing thoughts.

I was going to open my comments section back up today, But I've screwed up my life so badly at this point. I'm afraid to hear what anyone left reading this would have to say to me now. It's probably better that I keep it closed. I'm feeling low and down on myself at the moment.
posted by Iris at 1:25 PM