Monday, July 11, 2005

falling

I have a hard time looking Luke in the eyes. I just can't do it. The guilt is tearing me apart.

It's not because of what I've done. I just went out dancing..but how I feel.

Luke has been taking care of the whole moving out process. He put up an ad already and some potential renters came by this morning to look at my apartment. My landlord was there too. I watched as they went through my cabinets and in my closets. I felt exposed and uncomfortable. I'm not ready to move out. I knew I had to call it all off.

Last night, Luke came over. I was distant and he sensed it.

I escaped into the bathroom and took a shower to clear my head. But while I was under the spray of water, I found myself thinking about Michael.

I watched the water collect in my bellybutton and spill down my stomach..I leaned against the cold tile, letting my head fall back. I touched my shoulders imagining they were his hands.. I moved my fingers over my breasts..I imagined they were Michael's hands touching them..eventually down inbetween my legs..

I closed my eyes, parted my lips and I was so breathless and involved in this fantasy. I wanted him so bad, My body was quivering and I couldn't even hold up my weight. I kept slipping down the wall.

Afterwards I felt ashamed.

I felt so dirty even though I was in the shower. I couldn't wash away this feeling.

I think I need to break off this engagment, or at least talk to Luke about these emotions I'm going through. I'm just so afraid.

I also have to stop updating when I'm drunk. I'm going to read this tomorrow and cringe. But it seems like I've been drunk a lot lately. In fact, it's still light outside and I have to go to work in two hours. Whatever. This is a diary of a person that has stopped caring what other people think. I'm living my life the best way I know how, and this is a window into it for others to see.
posted by Iris at 9:22 PM