Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Different perspectives

My sister gave me a magazine filled with wedding dresses, she instructed me to circle the ones I like so that I could start the process of finding that "dream wedding gown". I just flipped through it absently, than dropped it on the kitchen table. I know in time I will start to feel excitment and anticipation about this..but not right now. It's too overwhelming.

I can sum up the 4th of July family get-together in one word:

Exhausting.

But his family was so kind, open and loving. My sister adores Luke. My mother is in complete bliss. She and Luke's mother really connected. The entire time my face hurt from so much forced smiling.

My mother called me today and gushed about how amazing Luke's family is for 45 minutes straight. I nodded and agreed. Then she started going on and on about the wedding. You would think SHE was getting married..But for once she wasn't speaking to me in an judgmental condescending tone. That was nice.

While she spoke I just sat there stroking behind my cat's ears and staring at a spot on the wall. There was a crack I hadn't seen before over the phone receiver..it stretches it up to my wall calendar. It's so ugly.

I never noticed it before.

Suddenly I started seeing all the cracks.

My bestfriend, Carl came by this morning with his 16 year old sister this morning to cheer me up. They brought bagels from the great deli down the street and fresh coffee from Starbucks. That was really sweet.

I was feeling down, and my eyes kept involuntarily fill with tears. I wiped them away with the back of my hand and laughed. "I'm an idiot..just ignore me, okay?"

His sister tried to put things on the bright side. It was really endearing what she said.

"Why are you depressed? You have no reason to be! You have everything going for you! You're getting married to a hot guy! You're really beautiful and you have the coolest hair. You're working in the coolest bar, and you get to stay out really late every night. You're totally free and you live in a really awesome bohemian apartment in the center of everything!"

I looked at her while she was saying this, Her face full of youth, anticipation of the future, idealism. Her whole life stretched before her. Even though I'm only 5 years older than her..I felt as though it's been decades since I was that age.

By the time she's my age, she would have graduated college, probably have a great internship lined up with some fabulous company. Have a wonderful successful life..and look at me? She thinks THIS is "cool"?" I had to laugh. I hugged her.

Luke wants me to move in with him now before the wedding. I told him about the financial problems I was having with the rent on my apartment yesterday. He offered to help me out even though I protested.

Why do I feel that at some point along the line my life shifted into autopilot and I lost the ability to control it?
posted by Iris at 2:57 PM