Friday, July 08, 2005

A date

I have a date.


I'm so happy right now, I could actually spin around in circles. My feet are tapping on the ground, and I can't stop smiling. I know I shouldn't be. I know this is wrong. I know that the very few people that actually read my journal are shaking their heads, frowning and clicking their tongues at this new development. One of the downfalls of having a public journal, but I will continue typing my experiences none the less. It's become a part of my daily routine. I've been keeping this diary for nearly half a year.

This is what happened:

He came to the bar last night. I saw him and I felt my pulse rate speed up again. I took a deep breath and immediately approached him.

"Hey again", I said trying to be cool..but failing miserably, I'm sure. "What'll it be?" (in my best bartender voice)

"Hey", He responded. "I have a question, actually"

"Shoot", I said. (still trying to play the "cool card", even though my legs were trembling)

"What are you doing tomorrow night?", He asked

I paused. Then looked down..wondering how to respond. If I said "nothing", that would sound pathetic, but I didn't want to say I was busy either. So I just responded "Don't know yet"

"My friend is a DJ at the _________. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me . I'm trying to help him fill the place up. It's his first time" He said this while looking off in a different direction. Then focused back on me. His look was so intense. I couldn't believe he was asking me out.

I opened and closed my mouth. I said nothing.

"This is short notice, I'm aware of that", He said tapping his cigarette box on the bar table absently "I came by earlier this week to ask, but you weren't working that day"

"I know, Stacey told me" ("shut up, Iris!" - my inner voice was shushing me.)

He just stared at me.

"Yeah, I don't know..I have to see..I'm just..", I pretended to scratch my head as though I was in deep thought and focused on a spot across the room. I was so nervous.

"You don't have to come", Michael interrupted.

"No..I want's just.."

Someone across the room was motioning for me. I wish there was a pause button that I could push when that happens, freeze the moment. Walk over the patron and explain "Listen, I have a life outside this bar job, right now I was just asked out by a man I've had a crush on for over 5 months. This is huge. Please please can you be patient?"

Instead I nodded at the customer to acknowledge them and forced a smile. Then I looked back at Michael. "Yes, sure..Okay. Sounds great", I said "What time?"

We exchanged the information, I made him his drink and he left the bar to join a group of friends he had brought with him at a booth table. I was euphoric. I just stood there trying not to smile from ear to ear. Then I went back to serving customers.

So tonight at 9:30 P.M., I'm meeting up with Michael and we are going to go out dancing. I'm typing these words and I can't believe it. It's strange how calm I am. I'd only been dreaming of something like this happening..for a long time. But once it happens, you just feel..


I don't have any expectations and I'm not even focusing on the guilt feelings about Luke. I'm pushing them away everytime they surface into my head and they keep resurfacing.

We're just going to dance, I'm going to have one fun night and that's it. If the universe can just give me one night without feeling confused, guilty, or unhappy. Just being in the moment and enjoying life.

That's all.

Okay, I'm also incredibly nervous.

Oh my god, I'm so nervous.
posted by Iris at 11:44 AM