Thursday, July 21, 2005

2 A.M. Confession

I have only slept with three men in my life.

I like to act as though it's been more and give off the illusion that I have all this sexual experience. That I'm a free bird and that casual sex is as natural to me as anything. But the truth is..it's not.

The first person I slept with was my highschool boyfriend, Kevin at age 17. We had been together nearly a year and I was the one holding off. I guess, I viewed sex as something sacred and really special. The whole virginity issue was huge with me and I thought I would be giving a part of myself away. I was also afraid of pregnancy. I was raised in a pretty conservative household and I was seen as the "screw up". I didn't want to get knocked up on top of everything else, so I was really careful about that.

It happened at his house, in his bedroom when his parents were out. I remember feeling disappointed afterwards. I just thought "What?..that was it?", It was painful and the minute it started to feel somewhat good, it was over. Then I was laying there curled up in his blankets while he went to the bathroom. I stared at the band posters, his guitar, his dirty clothing scattered on the floor. It wasn't like I imagined my first time to be like. Afterwards, he kissed me and for the first time I noticed little things..like the dirt underneath his fingernails, or a pimple on his cheek, how skinny he was. Somehow sex ruined something we had..

It went downhill from there. We broke up 3 months later.

I had four more boyfriends afterwards, but I didn't sleep with any of them.

The next person was Brian when I was 20, When I started dating him, I knew he was a player. He was suave and said all the right things. We slept together after only a month, which was a big deal for me. The first time was in his apartment, on his sofa. We just got carried away and it happened. We were pretty traditional, always the same position always the same way. We had a few passionate nights, and for a while I believed I truly loved him. I thought we had something special.

He cheated on me with another girl, I broke up with him afterwards. I was heartbroken and bitter about it. He tried to get back together a few times. But I ignored him..even though I wanted to. I was so damn lonely afterwards. I wrote some of my feelings in my diary about this. It was only a little over 5 months ago.

Then I met Luke.

Although he was everything I could imagine in a nice guy. He's handsome, caring, understanding and ready to commit. It all moved so fast. He was pushing inside of me after the second date. The sex wasn't producing fireworks. It was just sex. It was a physical activity that we did and I never had an orgasm. Not once. I don't know what was wrong and I kept trying to make it passionate. Something was missing, a certain chemistry wasn't there.

So that's my history..

Now there's Michael.. and I keep thinking of him. I keep thinking of what happened that morning, I keep thinking of how it felt to have him touch me like that..

Right now I'm torn. I'm torn between feeling terrified and alone and feeling free. Luke called me tonight and left a message on my machine. He said he's going on a vacation with his family for two weeks to "Get away". He said he'll call me when he gets back. Then he just hung up the phone. That was it..nothing more. I don't know what he feels for me, or what he's thinking. It seems like our engagement is over.

I don't know anything anymore. I just keep thinking this had to have happened for a reason.

I'm afraid that I made the biggest mistake in my life.

but maybe it wasn't at all. Maybe Luke and I were never meant to be and I just stopped myself from going down a track in life that would have made me ultimately miserable.

But maybe he was the one that was going to save me. He was going to help me move out, help me get into college and get me on the right track. He really loved me.

Maybe it's time to learn how to help myself.

All I know is that I have to move out of my apartment at the end of this month and I have NOWHERE TO GO. I can't even afford to get the carpets cleaned and the rooms re-painted. So I wont be receiving my deposit. I have no money, I could barely afford the rent in this apartment..I tried talking to my landlord about staying a little longer, but the people already signed the lease. It's a done deal.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to move back home with my mother. It doesn't get much worse than this.

I have Michael's phone number, I wonder if I should call him. I'm afraid. What if the only thing that made me attractive to him was the fact that he couldn't have me? The fact that I was unattainable? Now I'm alone and broken.

This is seriously depressing me. Usually writing it out makes me feel better, but this time it just made me aware of how bad things really are. Time to go to sleep.
posted by Iris at 5:11 AM