Sunday, July 31, 2005

Looking back

I just had a nightmare that my mother found this diary.

I came online to delete it..but then just before I pressed the final button, I stopped.

I hope she does find this.

This is my life, Mom. This is what happened to your little girl. Not so pretty, is it?

Have you ever had those moments where you stare in the mirror, and the memory of past times come back to you? You can see the path of your life and how it ended up the way it is? You look back at the crossroads you faced and realize that somewhere along the way you turn the wrong turn? If you can look back close enough, you can almost pinpoint the exact moment it happened?

4 years ago, I had graduated highschool and I remember that summer sending out for catalogues for different colleges that offered a good Dramatic Arts Major. When I received them, I went through them eagerly and poured over the photographs.. the courses they offered. I even filled out the forms.

When I showed them to my mother, instead of supporting me or encouraging me. She just laughed at me.

Then she started listing practical career-oriented majors I should pursue and colleges in the area that offer these programs. She said she would financially support me going to the college of HER choice, but not mine.

I didn't want to live out her dream, I wanted to live out my own. I was tired of being under her roof, adhering to her messed up rules, curfew and demands. She never listened to what I had to say and completely alienated me., it was hell for me. A Conservative Christian Republican hell.

So I took the graduation money I had received from my grandparents and used that to put down the deposit and first month rent on my own apartment. I left home. My mother didn't even say "Goodbye". When I told her I was leaving. She just smiled and said

"You'll be back"

I worked as a waitress for 2 and a half years, then I started my current job as a bartender.

My older sister took the other path, she did what my mother wanted. She went to Bucknell University, now has a big house with a two car garage, a husband and a successful career.

I know I took the hard road, But at least I stayed true to myself. Yes, I'm struggling, Yes it's tough, Yes I drink too much. Yes, I even write about my sexual encounters and my desires.

But this is who I am.

I want to think that there's still a way to turn everything around. But I'm not ashamed of where I'm at. Because everything in life happens for a reason.

So maybe I didn't take a wrong turn at any point.

I just wish I didn't feel so lonely, and I wish I felt like I had a real family to turn to. I wish Michael would call.

But C'est la vie.
posted by Iris at 10:18 AM | link

Saturday, July 30, 2005

My Boss

I feel really sick right now. My boss pulled me into his office during my smoke break tonight at work and gave me a "talking to". I still can't believe what he said to me. I can't stop thinking about our conversation and feeling down on myself. I'm so unhappy with my life at this moment.

He sat behind his desk all cocky, in his usual tacky button up wanna-be "swingers-style" top, and slicked back hair. He's in his late 30's/ early 40's with pock-marks on his face. He always has a four-oclock shadow that I imagine he thinks is really sexy, but just makes him look sleazy. He probably watches his boxset of "The Soprano's" at night and imagines he's a mafia boss. He acts like he rules the world. Everyone just tolerates him.

I really despise him right now.

He leaned back on his chair and said "Iris..Iris..Iris..Iris"

I just stared at him, and smiled politely.

"Your work ethic lately..I don't even know where to start", He said "You come in late, you come in drunk, you leave early and last month alone you took 4 sick days"

"I'm sorry, It's just been a really rough month for me.." I started to explain

He waved my words away with his hands "Save it, I don't want to hear about your love life or your personal dramas.", He said "Do you know the only reason why I haven't fired you?"

I shook my head.

"Because you have a cute face, a tight ass and nice tits"

HE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME!

I just stared at him. I felt l was sinking into my chair, I gripped the seat rest tightly and told myself over and over in my head "Don't cry..Don't cry..be cool". I know my face was hot, and I felt rage.

"the customers like you.", He looked me over and laughed.

I smiled uncomfortably and pretended to shrug. I wanted to kick him though.

"But if you think you can skirt through life based on your looks alone, well you have another thing coming, honey", He said. Then he picked up the phone "Okay, you've been warned. Get back to work"

I got out of the chair stiffly and walked out of his office. Once I was in the hallway, I started to cry.

I wanted to rip off my uniform and quit right there on the spot. But the truth is, I need this job. I need the money. I don't have any other options right now.

"skirt through life based on my looks alone??" What the fuck is he ON? He has no clue how hard my life is and how much I struggle just to get by!

I'm sorry, for the profanities, but I'm just really upset right now. I know some people can have a conversation like this with their boss and just brush it off, laugh about it. But I'm not one of those people.

Suddenly life as a bartender doesn't seem so glamorous anymore. In the beginning it was exciting, I got a rush out of my job, I was excited about going to work. I loved it. Bartending was portrayed so wonderfully in movies like "Cocktail" and "Coyote Ugly"

But in reality it's a shitty job, it's demeaning and I hate it. I have no college education, no prospects and heading on a dead-end path. Most people bartend for a few years in college, or inbetween jobs, or while they're doing art, acting or performing music on the side.

But for me. This is it. This is my life.
posted by Iris at 4:26 AM | link

Friday, July 29, 2005

Desire

You come up to me and you wipe away my tears

Your hand runs along my cheek and your thumb moves down to my lips. You graze against it softly and stare into my eyes. You tell me it's going to be alright. You tell me that it isn't going to always be like this..that things will get better.

I want to believe it..

Your hand moves down the nape of my neck and then underneath my shirt. You cup my breast in my hand, your thumb moving over the nipple. I push my body against you...

It just feels so good to be touched again..

We kiss, and we get lost in it. You push me up against the wall..

You lift my shirt up over my head, and then unbutton my jeans. I'm breathless and just watching you. You slide my panties slowly down over my thighs and my legs are shaking. You tell me it's okay..

You pull me up against your body, gripping me underneath my knees and lifting me up. We stare into eachother's eyes, I feel you so close..and you push inside of me.

We move together, and I'm crying again..because it feels so good, because it's such a release..because I need this. I need you..

***

My god, I'm so lost..I'm so full of desire, and I have no one to hold me.

It's these moments, right now, when I feel the most lonely. I hate sitting alone with a glass of vermouth in the middle of the night gazing at a flickering computer screen because I can't sleep..
posted by Iris at 4:20 AM | link

Thursday, July 28, 2005

A New Beginning

Here I am in my new temporary home.

I'm sitting in a tiny room with a small window that is facing a brickwall. I can hear the traffic clearly from the street through the open window and various sirens. This room used to be Stacey's spare room that she had transformed into her sewing room. Her sewing machine, and a pile of random colored fabric have been removed from the desk and pushed into the corner of the room. Now this is my computer desk. I have a small cot in the corner and the room is filled with all my boxes. They are piled up in every available space. I can barely walk. The walls are green and the curtains are yellow. There's a poster of Marilyn Monroe sitting with a woeful expression over the desk. She's just gazing at me sadly.

I'm not going to pretend that moving from my own apartment with the nice view to this has been easy. That I'm not sitting here feeling a bit depressed about this and feeling a hint of despair at my new situation. But I'm really trying not to see this as a permanent thing. I'm just grateful I have somewhere to live. (and it's not my mother's house)

Stacey's apartment is pretty small, She has a 70's style kitchen with not much space to walk around, a small livingroom, her bedroom, this room and her bathroom. She has about 300 stockings hanging from the shower rod.

I thought people only hung stockings from their shower rods in the movies! She also has more make up than I've ever seen in my life. She told me I could use any of it, whenever I wanted. She could be an Avon Saleslady with the amount she owns.

I miss my cat, usually she would be purring and rubbing against my leg right now.

Last night, We sat together in her livingroom drinking Cocktails and watching television together. It was nice having someone's company, having a roommate. We just talked and laughed. We also watched "Meet Joe Black"

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The movie left me feeling low..because it brought me back to one of my first memories of Michael. I even wrote about that day here. I logged online and read through my entire journal. It was difficult to go back to certain moments.. My crappy job at Walmart One hour photo and my Brief stunt as a cashier... cheating on Luke and destroying my relationship. My diary should win a "Most depressing Blog" award. Sometimes I think of shutting this down from the public.

Michael still hasn't called, but he doesn't know my new number here.

Stacey said "You should call him"

I just shook my head. I'm not going to be that girl. That desperate girl again. If he wants to see me, he knows where I work. I'm trying not to think about him.

This is a new beginning. I'm going to find a second job, I'm going to find a new flat and get back on my feet. It's going to be okay. It's going to get better.

*Thank you C.C. for making a new template for me, and your amazing photoshop skills with the photograph. I don't know how you did that. and Noipo Designs for for providing the basic layout that you worked with. I really love it, that was so kind of you both.*

Did you notice how I learned how to link? There is hope for me yet.
posted by Iris at 4:35 PM | link

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Moving out

I was in the shower last night and started to remember my experience with Michael. Remembered his skin against mine, the feel of his kisses running down my body and that sensation of bliss in my stomach.

He still hasn't called me. I'm such a stupid idiot and I write about it here for anyone to see. There I was happy in "laa-laa land". thinking that I actually meant something to him, that he actually cared about me. I wanted to believe it was something more than a passing physical attraction. I destroyed my engagement, and everything has fallen apart

for what?

I stared at the shower curtain, and then let my body slide down the wall. I just started to sob, just sitting their on the dingy tile floor with the water spraying on my knees. I can't remember when I stopped crying..it just aches so bad.

At 11 P.M., I called some of my friends I've been neglecting for a while and invited them over in hopes of snapping out of my mood. I ended up getting incredibly drunk as an attempt to escape all my problems and passed out on the coffee table. I woke up, everyone was gone and the place was a mess. I have a bruise on my forehead.

This morning while pulling my body up off the coffee table disoriented, I realized that I have to stop drinking. The problems are still there the next day, it doesn't make them go away. It just makes everything worse.

I have to pack up this computer, the next time I log on it will be from Stacey's apartment. I'm starting to move out tonight.

Carl agreed to take care of my cat.

I feel so empty and alone. This is not what I imagined my life would be like. I wish I could start all over.
posted by Iris at 4:41 PM | link

Monday, July 25, 2005

Feeling low




"I'll call you."


"Sure."










Yesterday Michael didn't call. He wasn't at the bar. I searched for him with my eyes every few minutes the entire time. I left work disappointed. I sat by the phone, just staring at it. I was so tempted to pick it up and dial his number.

But I didn't.

He didn't call today either.

I think I scared him away with my sex question. How could I have been so foolish? Am I braindead? Why did I ask him that?

I feel so empty and these moments alone just sitting in my apartment filled with boxes is making me depressed. It's causing me to think of Luke, our relationship. Only a week ago I was going to be married, I had this whole new life ahead of me. Now I'm in a worse place then I was before.

I'm moving in with a co-worker, and I feel strange about it. I'm going to be living in someone else's space. I have no money, I don't know where I'm heading in life. I wonder what Luke is doing right now, what he's feeling. I haven't spoken to my mother or my sister in a long time. I feel like I have no family or friends. Carl came by yesterday but he didn't really have anything inspiring to say. He was in a low mood himself, so we just brought eachother down. When he left, I started crying.

Thinking about my experiences with Michael kept me going for a while, but the realization that he may never call me again is really crushing. It's not like he didn't warn me about this. He told me from the beginning that he couldn't give me anything. A part of me didn't believe him, a part of me thought he would.

My biggest problem at the moment however is what to do with my cat. (see photo) I found her 8 months ago, she was thin and homeless. Since then I've grown so attached to her. Stacey is allergic and I can't take it with me. I love my cat. I'm going to see if I can find someone to watch her for a while..I just don't know who will do it.


I have a lot of packing to do, I shouldn't be wasting my time writing out these depressing thoughts.

I was going to open my comments section back up today, But I've screwed up my life so badly at this point. I'm afraid to hear what anyone left reading this would have to say to me now. It's probably better that I keep it closed. I'm feeling low and down on myself at the moment.
posted by Iris at 1:25 PM | link

Sunday, July 24, 2005

A stupid question

Michael and I keep coming so close to having sex, but then he pulls back. It was confusing, and driving me half-mad. I finally brought up the subject.

"Why won't you have sex with me?"

I asked Michael this while we were laying in bed this morning. He had come back again after my shift last night, we returned and fell asleep after he had gone down on me.

"I don't want to hurt you"

"What do you mean?"

He sighed and just stared up the ceiling. "I don't know how long I'm going to be around", he said "I don't want to be remembered as that asshole that fucked you and then just left you"

"I wont remember you that way"

"That's what you say now"

I was quiet. I rolled over to face the wall, I wanted him to say that he he had deep feelings for me, that he was going to stay around. On one hand, he was right. I was going to get hurt, on the other hand..I wanted to live for the moment. I wanted to experience it. I really didn't care. "I'm not a stupid child", I muttered sarcastically. "I'm a 'big girl', I can handle it"

"I'm not saying you're a child", He said kissing my shoulder "I'm just saying that I don't want to hurt you. It's different with you. I care about you. You've been through a lot. We should just take it slow"

I nodded. Then there was this uncomfortable stretch of silence.

"I have to go", He said quietly

"Sure"

"I'll call you"

"Sure"

I felt his weight lift off the bed. I listened as he found his clothing, and he gave me a final kiss on the forehead before walking out the bedroom.

He is going to hurt me, I'm already hurting so what difference does it make? I'm so lost right now. I keep thinking of that conversation, I didn't get up from bed for an hour. I just lay there alone staring at the wall.

I have to finish packing my boxes, this is going to be a stressful day. I don't have much time left before I have to move out and I'm not even half-way ready for it.
posted by Iris at 3:33 PM | link

Saturday, July 23, 2005

69

I restrained from calling Michael, but it turns out I didn't really have to. He was waiting for me at the bar when I arrived.

Seeing him sitting at his familiar place at the end of the bartable drinking his beer and smoking a cigarette caused the heat to rise to my face. I felt this rush of adrenaline just at the sight of him. Everything has changed and yet it hasn't. We have this history of intimacy now, but I still feel the same nervousness and hesitancy.

I approached him and smiled. I didn't say anything.

He asked me when I was getting off from work.

"I just arrived", I laughed and looked at my watch. "in 6 hours my shift ends for the night"

"I'll be back then"

Work was fun, just knowing I was going to see him again made every second stretch on to eternity, but the anticipation kept me going. I spoke with Stacey about my current situation and she offered me her apartment as a place to settle down for a few months until I found my own flat.

That surprised me. Although we've been working together for a long time, we have never seen eachother outside our jobs. It was a strange concept. The idea of living with her, but on the other hand, what other option do I have? Her kindness and hospitality floored me. I agreed and thanked her over and over again.

Michael returned at the end of my shift and we went to my apartment together.

It was 1:30 when we arrived and we just sat on my sofa drinking straight vermouth with olives and watching "Six Feet Under". It was so comfortable, I had my feet on his lap and his eyes were focused on the television set. I finally told him about my engagment being over.

"It wasn't because of me? Was it?", He asked

"Of course not" (total complete absolute lie)

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm relieved it's over..we were having problems. It wasn't working out.."

"I'm glad"

"That it's over?"

"That you're okay."

I just nodded and pretended to be really focused on the television show. But I felt his eyes studying me.

"I've been thinking about you all day", He said suddenly.

I blushed. (!!!!!!) "I've been thinking about you too", I tried to make it sound casual and not like a confession. I smiled and ran my foot over his thigh and slid it playfully between his legs. I moved my foot slowly over the crotch of his jeans. He stopped me with his hand.

"You're giving me a hard on"

I crawled across the sofa, and ran my fingers over his thighs. I knew my shirt was falling down in the front and giving him a view, I liked the fact that he was looking. I unzipped his pants.

I never really liked going down on anyone, in fact I've only done it a handful of times in my life. But I really wanted to with Michael. I loved the feeling of him in my mouth, sliding it inbetween my lips and running my tongue over the hard flesh. It felt so intimate..I loved his sharp intakes of breath.

He suddenly said, "Lets do this right"

I was confused, I thought he was implying that I was doing something wrong. Suddenly he lay down and shifted my body so it was on top of him. My legs spread open over him..I then realized what he meant and I started to move away slightly uncomfortably. "Do you mean 69?"

"You've never done that?"

No. "yes I have". (why do I keep lying to him? What am I trying to prove? I have to stop doing that)

I didn't expect to feel what I did. He was kissing me through my panties and then pushed aside the fabric. My whole body was shaking and it was hard to even support my own weight without collapsing on top of him just to feel his tongue in deeper. I kept gasping and when my mouth would open..what I was doing kept sliding out from inbetween my lips, I couldn't even focus..I thought I was going to pass out. I clenched the sofa cushions and closed my eyes.

This is all so new to me, these feelings. I feel like I'm entering an entirely different world, I knew it existed. I just never thought It would happen to me. I can't believe I'm writing about it, but it's the only thing on my mind right now.

I'm crashing, and I feel euphoric..completely alive. When he left at 3:30..I lay on the sofa, hugged the cushions and fell asleep smiling. Nothing can bring me down.

life is good.
posted by Iris at 2:54 PM | link

Friday, July 22, 2005

Yearning

I'm a complete mess, I haven't accomplished anything today. I just keep thinking about last night. I've been sitting on the windowsill staring down at the street smoking cigarettes and lost in the feeling of yearning for him.

I picked up the phone to call him and then put it back down.

I have to be cool.

What is wrong with me? I can't think about anything else. I can't even focus..
posted by Iris at 3:01 PM | link

Another night with Michael

Yesterday afternoon I called Michael. I was so nervous, I kept tripping over my words on the phone. I couldn't even explain why I was calling him, I didn't have a concrete reason. I just needed to hear the sound of his voice. I just needed to feel less alone.

He asked if he could come over and I said "yes"

When he arrived. We lingered around the front door together for a while. We didn't really say much. I didn't tell him that I broke off my engagement. I was afraid to tell him, I was afraid of seeing his expression. I brought him into the kitchen and made him a drink. He suggested that we go out dancing. I told him I needed to take a shower first and that he could watch some television in the livingroom.

In the shower, I kept staring at the faucet nozzle and feeling shaky. I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore. I wasn't sure if this was right.

Then I heard the bathroom door open. I froze.

"Can I join you?", I heard his voice through the curtain. At first I couldn't respond, It was unexpected and my heart was pounding so fast in my chest.

"Sure..okay", I said, my voice sounded so tiny, the sound was drowned out by the spray of the water against the tiles. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at his shadow through the curtain as he was undressing. I kept thinking "holy shit! holy shit!". I smiled and turned to the wall.

The curtain parted and he stepped in. I kept my eyes down and my hands over my chest. This was the first time he was seeing me entirely naked. My face was so hot, My cheeks must have been completely crimson and my ears. I was trying to play it cool, but it was impossible.

He stood next to me, and I moved over slightly so he could get under the warm water.

He picked up my bath sponge and soaked it in my shower gel, then motioned for me. "Come here..I'll get your back"

I turned and felt him running the sponge a long my back. I smiled, I couldn't help it. "I've dreamt about this" As soon as I said it, I regretted it. There was a long silence. The words kept repeating over and over in my head and I wished I could snatch them back.

Finally he said "Really? Me washing your back..or...?"

"Just..you..here..like this", I said. It was easier to say because I was facing the wall, I didn't have to look at his face. "I would imagine this and just..I would.." (stop. stop. stop.)

"You would what?"

I was silent. I was regretting the few shots I had taken before he arrived, this conversation would have never taken place had I been entirely sober. trust me on this. "touch myself"

He stopped washing my back. I didn't say anything more, I was embarrassed. I felt like an idiot.

"Show me"

I turned to face him. "What? Right now?"

He nodded. I saw he was aroused, something you can't hide when you're naked and in a shower together. I was too at that point.

"I've never done that in front of anyone else..I can't"

"yes you can"

I looked at his eyes, his hair wet over his face..his chest, his legs..Then I closed my eyes and leaned against the tile wall. I moved my hand over my breasts and hesitantly moved my other hand down over my stomach and inbetween my legs. Just knowing he was watching me made the whole experience entirely intense. In fact, I'm getting turned on just typing this and remembering everything. I should probably stop writing about this now.

In the middle..his hand moved over my hand, and he started touching me too. It was just..I'm at a loss for words to even describe it. When I opened my eyes..and looked down at what he was doing, saw his eyes on me..his breathlessness and his erection. I was sent completely over the edge.

We were in the shower for a long time.

We never made it to the dance club.

Okay, I'm really turned on, I just keep seeing flashes of last night in my mind, kissing and the water pouring down my neck and shoulders..his breathing..the way he touched me.. He left at 2 A.M. because he had to go to work early in the morning and his carpool was going to be picking him up from his flat.

We didn't sleep together yet, I want to call him now. I'm feeling..I'll get into these feelings another time. I'm sure you can imagine it without me having to spell it out.
posted by Iris at 12:05 PM | link

Thursday, July 21, 2005

2 A.M. Confession

I have only slept with three men in my life.

I like to act as though it's been more and give off the illusion that I have all this sexual experience. That I'm a free bird and that casual sex is as natural to me as anything. But the truth is..it's not.

The first person I slept with was my highschool boyfriend, Kevin at age 17. We had been together nearly a year and I was the one holding off. I guess, I viewed sex as something sacred and really special. The whole virginity issue was huge with me and I thought I would be giving a part of myself away. I was also afraid of pregnancy. I was raised in a pretty conservative household and I was seen as the "screw up". I didn't want to get knocked up on top of everything else, so I was really careful about that.

It happened at his house, in his bedroom when his parents were out. I remember feeling disappointed afterwards. I just thought "What?..that was it?", It was painful and the minute it started to feel somewhat good, it was over. Then I was laying there curled up in his blankets while he went to the bathroom. I stared at the band posters, his guitar, his dirty clothing scattered on the floor. It wasn't like I imagined my first time to be like. Afterwards, he kissed me and for the first time I noticed little things..like the dirt underneath his fingernails, or a pimple on his cheek, how skinny he was. Somehow sex ruined something we had..

It went downhill from there. We broke up 3 months later.

I had four more boyfriends afterwards, but I didn't sleep with any of them.

The next person was Brian when I was 20, When I started dating him, I knew he was a player. He was suave and said all the right things. We slept together after only a month, which was a big deal for me. The first time was in his apartment, on his sofa. We just got carried away and it happened. We were pretty traditional, always the same position always the same way. We had a few passionate nights, and for a while I believed I truly loved him. I thought we had something special.

He cheated on me with another girl, I broke up with him afterwards. I was heartbroken and bitter about it. He tried to get back together a few times. But I ignored him..even though I wanted to. I was so damn lonely afterwards. I wrote some of my feelings in my diary about this. It was only a little over 5 months ago.

Then I met Luke.

Although he was everything I could imagine in a nice guy. He's handsome, caring, understanding and ready to commit. It all moved so fast. He was pushing inside of me after the second date. The sex wasn't producing fireworks. It was just sex. It was a physical activity that we did and I never had an orgasm. Not once. I don't know what was wrong and I kept trying to make it passionate. Something was missing, a certain chemistry wasn't there.

So that's my history..

Now there's Michael.. and I keep thinking of him. I keep thinking of what happened that morning, I keep thinking of how it felt to have him touch me like that..

Right now I'm torn. I'm torn between feeling terrified and alone and feeling free. Luke called me tonight and left a message on my machine. He said he's going on a vacation with his family for two weeks to "Get away". He said he'll call me when he gets back. Then he just hung up the phone. That was it..nothing more. I don't know what he feels for me, or what he's thinking. It seems like our engagement is over.

I don't know anything anymore. I just keep thinking this had to have happened for a reason.

I'm afraid that I made the biggest mistake in my life.

but maybe it wasn't at all. Maybe Luke and I were never meant to be and I just stopped myself from going down a track in life that would have made me ultimately miserable.

But maybe he was the one that was going to save me. He was going to help me move out, help me get into college and get me on the right track. He really loved me.

Maybe it's time to learn how to help myself.

All I know is that I have to move out of my apartment at the end of this month and I have NOWHERE TO GO. I can't even afford to get the carpets cleaned and the rooms re-painted. So I wont be receiving my deposit. I have no money, I could barely afford the rent in this apartment..I tried talking to my landlord about staying a little longer, but the people already signed the lease. It's a done deal.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to move back home with my mother. It doesn't get much worse than this.

I have Michael's phone number, I wonder if I should call him. I'm afraid. What if the only thing that made me attractive to him was the fact that he couldn't have me? The fact that I was unattainable? Now I'm alone and broken.

This is seriously depressing me. Usually writing it out makes me feel better, but this time it just made me aware of how bad things really are. Time to go to sleep.
posted by Iris at 5:11 AM | link

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Numb

I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of the telephone ringing. I picked it up and it was my mother.

She started going off on me. Apparently Luke told his mother everything. Luke's mother called MY mother all upset. What the hell? I couldn't believe this.

She basically said "I've never been more disappointed, ashamed, and horrified with your behavior before. How could you do this? What were you thinking? What is wrong with you? Why would you destroy a relationship like this?. I am so embarrassed right now with you. I can't even begin to tell you" etc etc.

I listened to her with my eyes closed. Why wasn't she on my side? I'm her daughter.

I tried to explain. I never had a very open relationship with my mother, so it was foolish of me to try to open up. It was stupid of me to think that I could get her to see things from my perspective. But believe me, I tried.

"I didn't love him the way that I should.."

Her answer: "Iris, the only person you love..is yourself"

and she hung up on me! I started to cry. I hate how my mother is. I hate myself right now too.

But honestly, Now I'm just numb. I'm not even emotional anymore. I took the phone off the receiver after that, and didn't answer the door. The door buzzer went off five times. I didn't even get up. I just poured some vodka into a glass filled with ice. Then laid in bed the entire day just watching shitty daytime television shows. I didn't get dressed, I didn't eat, I didn't even take a shower this morning.

I just shut off. I also called in sick from work. I need to escape. I can't face life right now. I can't handle this.
posted by Iris at 7:52 PM | link

Monday, July 18, 2005

I told him. I told him everything. I'm cdrunk right now..So I don't know what to do.

It was so hard, I was crying when I told him and it was hard to look into his eyes. He asked me if I slept with Michael. I told him that he stayed the night, but he didn't want to know the details. He cut me off with his hand, and started shaking his head.

Then he threw a book across the room, and knocked over a chair. He grabbed his bag and left the apartment. He slammed the door so loudly, I jumped.
I feel so lost. I don't konw what the hell I'm doing with my life. I screwd up..I screwed up everything..

Then I started drinking.

I dont want to write anymoreabout this right now
posted by Iris at 10:45 PM | link

Sunday, July 17, 2005

I wrote this earlier today, but I was to ashamed to post it and saved it as a draft. But at this point, what difference does it make? I'm not going to censor myself here.

****

It's over.

I've crossed every line possible, there is no longer a turning back point. I don't even know how to begin to describe what happened last night. I don't even know if I should, but I need to get this out. It's eating away at me. I feel like I'm choking, I have a physical ache in my chest. I'm both ashamed and euphoric. It's a confusing state to be in.

It's 11: A.M., Sunday morning and Michael left my flat 2 hours ago.

He was waiting for me outside the bar last night after work. When I saw him, I couldn't even move.

He told me that we needed to talk and he asked if I would go out for coffee at the diner with him. I said "yes" because we did need to talk.

In the Diner we started talking, this was the first time we had an actual long verbal exchange that wasn't in a bar or a nightclub. This is the first time I really started to hear him speak. I watched him drink his coffee, smoke his cigarettes, and tell me about himself.

He works in his father's company, He's 23 years old, He left a six year relationship about 7 months ago. I just listened, fascinated. For so long I had imagined what he story would be..I had made up ideas in my mind. Maybe he was a tortured artist or a muscician...

But he does draw, and he offered to show me some of his artwork. He talks quietly and slowly..I loved the sound of his voice.

I was captivated and I felt myself falling hard. I had to stop myself..

At one point he put his hand on my thigh, I was wearing a skirt..as he spoke to me, his hand moved up my inner thigh. I didn't stop him. He stroked my panties lightly with his thumb, and I started to shake. I was so turned on in that moment.

Then he stopped, his hand moved away. "I'm sorry", He whispered

"Do you want to come back to my apartment?", While the words escaped my mouth, I was aware of it happening but I don't think my brain was on.

We returned to my apartment and we just lay in bed. He pulled the shirt over his head and he was wearing his boxers. I just had on my panties and bra. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my neck..he moved his body against mine. I felt he was aroused. But he didn't do anything about it.

We just kissed and we fell asleep. We didn't have sex, It was amazing to fall asleep in his arms, I couldn't believe it was happening.

The next morning, I woke up and he was sitting on a stool near the window. He was having a cigarette. I just watched him, thinking.."oh my god..he's in my house!" It was an oddly surreal moment. Have you ever dreamt about a situation happening in your head in so many variations and when it does actually happen..it's never exactly the way you imagined, but it's wonderful in a way? You just want to bottle the moment, take it in..because you're afraid that if you close your eyes. for even one second. it will all dissolve?

"I have to tell my fiance", I said. It was the first thing that I had said.

Michael came over and lay next to me. "Why?"

"Because this is wrong"

"Before you do that..make sure you know what you're doing"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't leave him because of me. I can't give you a life long commitment, I can't make any promises..I can't even promise I'll be around tomorrow. "

I was quiet. I had to digest this..At least he was being honest. He wasn't filling my head with false promises. I respected that. "What can you give me?"

He didn't answer. He moved his hand down my thigh slowly, and this time slid his finger into my panties. At that point, I just closed my eyes..I can't even describe how it felt to be touched by him like that. Eventually he pulled off my panties and started kissing my thighs..his kisses moving inbetween my legs..Once his tongue slid inside me. My thighs were trembling and I had the most intense orgasm I've ever had in my life.

So that's what it's like.

to have your thighs tremble...

I thought that only happened in romance books.

I've never had someone do that to me before. I'll get more into that another time. There were so many "firsts" that occured last night..too many to list. It's incredibly overwhelming.

I wont lie and say I was filled with guilt while it was happening, I was enjoying every moment of it.

But now..now that he's gone. I'm sitting alone in this apartment and I know I have to face Luke. I know I have to be honest.. It's weird, I'm torn between replaying the whole night over and over in my mind. Feeling this intense bliss that it happened, feeling alive, feeling..oh my god. Like whispering "holy shit!" constantly. I keep pacing around the apartment. But then I realize what happened..realize what this means.

The fairytale is over. I'm so scared.

I need to call Carl..I'm kind of freaking out right now. What have I become? I don't even recognize myself.
posted by Iris at 9:33 PM | link

Saturday, July 16, 2005

My sister

My sister came by yesterday afternoon while I was packing a few of my things and cleaning out my closet.

It was so strange seeing her stepping over my piles of dirty clothing in her high heels and having her look around my apartment. This is the first time she has ever visited me and I had been living here for a year. I was embarrassed to have her see the empty vodka bottles next to the computer..the martini and shot glasses cluttered on the night table. The dishes that were piled up in the sink. I wish she had called ahead of time to warn me.

It was awkward for me, I offered her some coffee and she declined. She looked at my kitchen chairs..all different sizes and shapes. She didn't even sit down.

"I booked an apointment for you at the hair salon, I'm just coming to pick you up"

Okay..I'm sorry..WHAT?

Maybe It's just me..but isn't it customary to ask someone if they WANT to have their hair done before booking an apointment? At least tell them a few days in advance. This reminded me of our childhood together. She is 5 years older than me. When we were young, she would dress me up in stupid outfits like a doll, smear make-up on my face and put jewelry on my necks, fingers, wrists. I would protest and she would say:

"I'm making you pretty. Don't you want to be pretty?? Stay still"

Times haven't changed.

There I was in a fancy leather chair in an upscale salon watching some woman with perfect long red nails fill my hair with dye. I hated the feeling of her fingernails scraping against my scalp while she washed out the color and the sickly sweet smell of the shampoo.

Now my hair is a more "natural" reddish brown color and my hair has been cut just at shoulder-length. I can flip it over my shoulder like a pantene pro-V commercial..that's how soft it is. It's over-conditioned to the point where it looks like doll hair. She paid 120 dollars for this and left a 30 dollar tip. How nice to must be to be able to just throw money around like that.

I didn't even protest when my sister had said that my "manic panic red hair is so highschool and clown-looking", that I needed "a natural color to stop looking like such a freak". I've grown to only expect comments like that from her, I don't see the point of being hurt by them. I'm just going to play her stupid little game and let her dress me up like when we were children.

I'll re-dye my hair red next month. She can't tell me how to live my life. The kindest thing she said was when she dropped me off in the afternoon. "Mom and I were worried about you for a while, Iris..but I honestly think you finally are started to get your life on track. Congratulations. I'm happy for you"

and she hugged me.

But the sad thing is..this isn't due to any accomplishments on my part. It's only because I'm getting married to someone they approve of. Only because someone else is going to be taking care of me and they don't have to fake concern anymore.

I have to get dressed and start the day. I'll be working double shifts tonight at the bar.

I feel uneasy, but calmer than I did yesterday. I haven't had the need to drink. It's amazing how easily I can sink into denial and push away the negative aspects of reality. Everytime the thought of that night with Michael resurfaces, I just repress it and focus on other things. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about him and that kiss. But after a while..it should come up less and less in my thoughts. I'm not going to explore my feelings about it because It was a mistake,
posted by Iris at 10:34 AM | link

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I couldn't.

I didn't tell Luke. When I saw him I just couldn't, He had brought over his brother and his sister yesterday for lunch. I couldn't discuss this in front of his family members.

When they left, We were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. He said. "I have good news", then he went on to explain that the landlord found someone to rent out my apartment and that I can move out in the beginning of August. He has reserved a moving van for the end of this month and told me where I can get free storage boxes.

While he was talking, I just sat there thinking "oh my god..no..What am the fuck am I going to do now?"

I was so upset, I felt like the room was closing in on me. My options are dropping out of my view one by one. This isn't a game..for some reason, I thought that everything would fall into place at some point. That if I just took things day by day somehow the situation would iron itself out. That it would be okay. Yet while he said these things..this panic was twisting in my stomach. I kept opening my mouth to let everything pour out..but then I closed it again. He looked so happy and kept taking my hand into his.

I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. I lost all my courage. It's one thing to say in your mind "I'm going to tell him". It's another thing to be looking into his eyes and trying to form the words on your lips..

I've decided to pretend it never happened and I will make this up to him. I will be the greatest wife in the world..I will dedicate my entire life to making him happy. This was all a terrible mistake. We all make mistakes..we all have secrets..we all have things we would prefer to simply forget than admit.

I leaned across the table and started kissing him. I kissed him with all the passion I had. It didn't feel the same way as that kiss with Michael, but it felt comfortable and familiar. I tried to get into it, but I wasn't feeling aroused.

It didn't matter, I dragged him to the bedroom and we made love anyway. I lay on his chest afterwards just staring into the darkness, feeling afraid and lost.

I heard him whisper "I love you"

I can't destroy this.

I called off sick from work last night just to avoid seeing Michael. I feel this panic in my stomach, this feeling of dread. I feel as though my cards are stacked precariously..and they're all about to fall. I feel so guilty. I feel sick.

**

I shouldn't be writing about this here.

My logical brain knows this..and yet logging on for 15 minutes and documenting my life makes me feel strangely less alone. I want to believe that not everyone is reading this with judgment, but one or two people out there understand. Have been through this too and can relate. Plus the only subject I ever excelled in was English class. We kept an journal of life experiences, my teacher had mine published after he read it.

That was the only time my mother was proud of one of my accomplishments. I've kept a diary ever since..writing out my feelings and experiences was always an outlet for me. this one is online however. That might not be so wise. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But this should really be in a private paper diary shoved inbetween my mattresses.

on the other hand, why does it matter? We're all going to check out at some point, we all have fears, we all have struggles, we all fuck up..

We hide it well though and walk around in our masks. I'm so tired of it...
posted by Iris at 11:31 AM | link

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

A Mistake

I made a terrible mistake. We kissed.

Michael was there at the bar last night and I was avoiding him. I was so afraid. I was actually hiding.

"tell him", Stacey had said urgently "tell him now"

"I can't!", I shook my head looking down. "I can't. I can't. I can't"

I saw Michael leave his booth seat with his friends and head to the restroom. This was it, I realized she was right. I had to tell him how I felt..I had to put it on the table. So I moved out from behind the bar and followed him.

I waited for him in the narrow hallway outside the men's room for him to emerge. I was so nervous. I just stood there while people brushed past me and stared at a concert poster.

When Michael came out, He bumped directly into me.

"Hey!", He said

I stared up at him. I was trembling. I crossed my arms over my chest. "Do you know?", I asked

He just stared at me.

I was close to losing my nerves, but the alcohol running through my veins helped me get over it. I felt so lost and so confused. I just wanted to start crying in his arms. Instead I said "Do you know how much I want you?"

He reached out and touched my face, then ran his hand down my neck. "You're shaking", He said

I only nodded.

Then we were kissing, I can't even tell you how it happened. Just suddenly my back was up against the wall and his lips were on mine. I loved the taste..the feeling. It was such a passionate kiss, His tongue sliding inbetween my lips and his body pressed against mine. His hands moving me..It was so intense.

Someone bumped into us trying to get through the narrow hallway to the ladies room. She muttered something about "getting a room" or something rude to that effect. We moved slightly to let her pass. Then we stared at eachother.

He leaned his head on the wall and exhaled.

I stared at him fearfully. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking..I'm drunk and you're engaged"

At that moment, I felt foolish and horrible. The realization of what had just happened hit me fully. He must think I'm this unfaithful slut. I touched my lips absently and felt myself starting to cry. I walked away from him quickly..I went behind the bar and told Stacey I had to leave. I asked her to cover for me. She kept asking me what happened, but I couldn't tell her. I just wanted to get out. I needed to get out.

I ran home, got drunk and passed out crying.

Now it's the next morning and I realize fully that I've crossed the line. It's official. I cheated. There's no way of rationalizing it. There's no way of trying to word it differently. I am scum. I'm a cheater. I just did the same thing that Brian did to me 6 months ago. I swore I wouldn't be the kind of person that did things like that, especially knowing all the pain it brings. But I did.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even LIKE myself anymore.

I have to tell Luke. He's going to find out at some point, I'd rather he hear from me. I'm going to be honest entirely. Having secrets and telling lies is no way to start a marriage. I'm going down the wrong road, I see this. It has to end here.

I just want to kick myself, I keep squeezing my thigh tightly everytime I think about this and then exhaling loudly. I'm so upset with myself right now, I can't even think straight.
posted by Iris at 12:28 PM | link

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Breaking down

It can't go on like this. It has to stop.

Either I stop thinking about Michael and accept the fact that I am getting married.

Or I put an end to these wedding plans.

I was crying this afternoon, I just curled up on Carl's lap and sobbed while he stroked my hair. He kept telling me over and over "It's going to be okay..It is going to be okay.."

But I don't believe that is.
posted by Iris at 7:12 PM | link

Monday, July 11, 2005

falling

I have a hard time looking Luke in the eyes. I just can't do it. The guilt is tearing me apart.

It's not because of what I've done. I just went out dancing..but how I feel.

Luke has been taking care of the whole moving out process. He put up an ad already and some potential renters came by this morning to look at my apartment. My landlord was there too. I watched as they went through my cabinets and in my closets. I felt exposed and uncomfortable. I'm not ready to move out. I knew I had to call it all off.

Last night, Luke came over. I was distant and he sensed it.

I escaped into the bathroom and took a shower to clear my head. But while I was under the spray of water, I found myself thinking about Michael.

I watched the water collect in my bellybutton and spill down my stomach..I leaned against the cold tile, letting my head fall back. I touched my shoulders imagining they were his hands.. I moved my fingers over my breasts..I imagined they were Michael's hands touching them..eventually down inbetween my legs..

I closed my eyes, parted my lips and I was so breathless and involved in this fantasy. I wanted him so bad, My body was quivering and I couldn't even hold up my weight. I kept slipping down the wall.

Afterwards I felt ashamed.

I felt so dirty even though I was in the shower. I couldn't wash away this feeling.

I think I need to break off this engagment, or at least talk to Luke about these emotions I'm going through. I'm just so afraid.

I also have to stop updating when I'm drunk. I'm going to read this tomorrow and cringe. But it seems like I've been drunk a lot lately. In fact, it's still light outside and I have to go to work in two hours. Whatever. This is a diary of a person that has stopped caring what other people think. I'm living my life the best way I know how, and this is a window into it for others to see.
posted by Iris at 9:22 PM | link

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Friday night

It's 3:15 A.M., I'm alone tonight and unable to sleep..I'm on my second drink. Everything feels like a mess in my life right now.., sometimes typing it all out helps.

Friday night was..

How do I describe it? I have all these emotions rushing through me and I don't even know where to start?

Should I start with the guilt? Or maybe the fact that I feel alive again?

I guess, I'll start with the beginning.

Carl came by once I called him and told him that I had a date with Michael. He rushed over and we started going through my pathetic clothing collection attempting to figure out what to wear. One of the benefits of having a gay bestfriend is that he knows all the fashion and gives great advice. He actually listens and to the trivial things too.

Like should I wear a thong or bikini panties with the dress?

Bra:..pushup, regular, or no bra at all?

Shoes: The knee-high black boots or the strapless higheels?

He thinks about all of this deeply before answering. I was so nervous, I had to have a few shots first to calm myself. Carl kept saying "just breath..just breath". Luke called in the middle, He asked what I was doing that night.

I lied to him.

I told him I was sick. I know that's horrible. After I hung up the phone, I sat there in silence. "I can't do this"

Carl reassured me that I COULD do this. There was a long conversation..but I don't feel like going into everything that was said.

Then I was out the door and walking down the street to meet Michael. He was standing on the corner looking in the wrong direction. I approached him from behind and said "hi"

He turned and looked at me. His eyes moved over my body..taking in the dress..and my hair and my face. Then he smiled, that lazy smile that makes my heart start pounding too fast. "You look.."

"Great?", I offered hopefully.

"That's one word to describe it", He said. He cleared his throat and smiled. "I've just never seen you..like that"

"am I too dressed up?"

"No"

"okay..", I started feeling insecure.

But once we reached the club, the feeling started to evaporate. I was doing most the talking, Michael just listened. I loved the feeling of his eyes on me. We were able to move past the line at the entrance because he knew the bouncer. Once we were inside, it was hard to talk at all. The music was blasting, the lights were flashing, people were screaming, dancing, moving around. There was so much energy in the air..I felt so alive. I looked over at Michael and smiled.

He took my hand into his and we weaved through the crowds of people towards the D.J., than he introduced me.

Afterwards we found a booth seat and ordered drinks. At this point..it was all about body language. Just smiling, gesturing, furtive glances, touching of fingers. We looked at all the people dancing, I took it all in. But I was so aware of his leg touching mine under the table. I drank a little too quickly even though I was consciously trying not to and smoked too many cigarettes with him. I just needed something to do with my hands.

Eventually he asked me to dance. I had 3 drinks at that point. We were out on the dance floor and he really knew how to move. He held me from behind, moving his torso against mine to the beat. I felt as though we were entirely in rhythm, everyone around me just disappeared and I closed my eyes. Just enjoying the feeling of his hands on my hips, and his body against mine. I was so aroused and so in bliss.

A slow song came on, and he moved around to face me. We slow danced, his face was so close to mine. At one point, our lips grazed against eachother..then he moved away, so my lips were against his cheek. I could smell his aftershave and the prickly feeling of his four oclock shadow. His hand moved over the small of my back and he pushed me against him. We were grinding on the dancefloor..I felt his erection.

Then it ended..and he moved away from me slightly.

"The place is going to close soon", He said into my ear "I better get you home"

I tried to hide my disappointment, I was breathless and flushed. We checked out our light coats and started walking down the street in silence. I lived not too far away. We stood on the porch steps of my apartment building. He took my hand, then let it go.

"It was fun", I said. God, I wanted to invite him, so badly.. It took every ounce of willpower in my body not to crush my lips against his.

"Yes"

"So..Good night then", I looked at him, wishing he would say "NO! let me in! I want you!.."

But he just nodded.

I fumbled with the front door key, glanced at him one last time and entered the building. Once I closed the door, I leaned against it. I touched my chest, and looked up. Then I started crying. I think I had too much to drink.

I went upstairs and drank more. Shots of Vodka until I passed out on the livingroom sofa. I was trying to drink away my guilt, drink away my yearning for Michael, drink away the fact that I lied to Luke..

Now it's a day later, I'm trying to reflect on the events of the night and I don't know what to think, I don't know how to feel..I'm just numb. There are so many thoughts, but I can't even put them in words. I'll try this another time, I need to get some sleep..it's 3:30 now. My eyelids are feeling heavy, and the room is swimming. I have to stop using drinking as a means to escape my problems.

I've been avoiding Luke.

I took down my comments section temporarily because I'm afraid of being judged for this. All the advice that I've received has been really helpful and appreciated though. I took it all to heart and it gave me a lot to think about.

Believe me, I'm not proud of my behavior.
posted by Iris at 6:39 AM | link

Friday, July 08, 2005

A date

I have a date.

I HAVE A DATE WITH MICHAEL

I'm so happy right now, I could actually spin around in circles. My feet are tapping on the ground, and I can't stop smiling. I know I shouldn't be. I know this is wrong. I know that the very few people that actually read my journal are shaking their heads, frowning and clicking their tongues at this new development. One of the downfalls of having a public journal, but I will continue typing my experiences none the less. It's become a part of my daily routine. I've been keeping this diary for nearly half a year.

This is what happened:

He came to the bar last night. I saw him and I felt my pulse rate speed up again. I took a deep breath and immediately approached him.

"Hey again", I said trying to be cool..but failing miserably, I'm sure. "What'll it be?" (in my best bartender voice)

"Hey", He responded. "I have a question, actually"

"Shoot", I said. (still trying to play the "cool card", even though my legs were trembling)

"What are you doing tomorrow night?", He asked

I paused. Then looked down..wondering how to respond. If I said "nothing", that would sound pathetic, but I didn't want to say I was busy either. So I just responded "Don't know yet"

"My friend is a DJ at the _________. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me . I'm trying to help him fill the place up. It's his first time" He said this while looking off in a different direction. Then focused back on me. His look was so intense. I couldn't believe he was asking me out.

I opened and closed my mouth. I said nothing.

"This is short notice, I'm aware of that", He said tapping his cigarette box on the bar table absently "I came by earlier this week to ask, but you weren't working that day"

"I know, Stacey told me" ("shut up, Iris!" - my inner voice was shushing me.)

He just stared at me.

"Yeah, I don't know..I have to see..I'm just..", I pretended to scratch my head as though I was in deep thought and focused on a spot across the room. I was so nervous.

"You don't have to come", Michael interrupted.

"No..I want to..it's just.."

Someone across the room was motioning for me. I wish there was a pause button that I could push when that happens, freeze the moment. Walk over the patron and explain "Listen, I have a life outside this bar job, right now I was just asked out by a man I've had a crush on for over 5 months. This is huge. Please please can you be patient?"

Instead I nodded at the customer to acknowledge them and forced a smile. Then I looked back at Michael. "Yes, sure..Okay. Sounds great", I said "What time?"

We exchanged the information, I made him his drink and he left the bar to join a group of friends he had brought with him at a booth table. I was euphoric. I just stood there trying not to smile from ear to ear. Then I went back to serving customers.

So tonight at 9:30 P.M., I'm meeting up with Michael and we are going to go out dancing. I'm typing these words and I can't believe it. It's strange how calm I am. I'd only been dreaming of something like this happening..for a long time. But once it happens, you just feel..

happy.

I don't have any expectations and I'm not even focusing on the guilt feelings about Luke. I'm pushing them away everytime they surface into my head and they keep resurfacing.

We're just going to dance, I'm going to have one fun night and that's it. If the universe can just give me one night without feeling confused, guilty, or unhappy. Just being in the moment and enjoying life.

That's all.

Okay, I'm also incredibly nervous.

Oh my god, I'm so nervous.
posted by Iris at 11:44 AM | link

Thursday, July 07, 2005

A New Beginning

"You can't always get what you want..
No..You can't always get what you want..

But if you try sometimes..
You might just find..

You get what you need."

-Rolling stones





I was listening to this song on the small radio I have balanced on my kitchen radiator this morning during breakfast. Somehow it calmed me and I was able to put life in the right perspective. I realize I've been going about things wrong lately and not seeing things clearly.

I talked to my landlord and told him I wanted to move out. He said I have to post my own classified ad for the apartment for rent. Then I have to contact him to meet the potential renters. I can move out once I have a replacement that he finds suitable. I also have to repaint certain rooms and have the carpets in the bedroom "professionally cleaned' if I want to receive my deposit back. This is a pain.

This morning, I woke up in the afternoon because I had to work double shifts in the bar. I didn't return until 4 A.M., and still couldn't fall asleep.

I have to admit that I searched for Michael in the crowds of customers while I was working last night, but he was nowhere in sight.

It's really time for me to let go.

I started putting a few things in boxes, sorting through some of the things I don't need to use.

So this is it. It's official, I'm getting married. I'm moving in with Luke. My entire life is going to change, it's time to start accepting it. Luke is coming by before I leave for work again tonight. We're going to catch a movie and he wants to talk about some other things.

A part of me still feels fear and wants to pull the brakes on all of this. But I'm in too deep and everyone has assured me that it's natural to have cold feet before making a lifetime commitment. It was dissolve, our love will grow and I'll be happy.

Maybe I should start sending out for some local college brochures.. I should enroll in some classes. I want to study dramatic arts..but my mother is against that. She says it's not "practical"

For a long time I was stubborn and said I'd rather not go to school at all then give up my dream.

But my dream is over.

I woke up.

I don't care what I study anymore, I just need a college education and I need my mother's financial help to make it possible.. I can't work as a bartender for the rest of my life.
posted by Iris at 5:54 AM | link

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Emotional Infidelity

If you touch yourself while thinking of another man...is this considered emotional infidelity?

It was incredibly hot when I woke up this morning, my air conditioner isn't working properly and it's in the middle of the summer. Even though I leave the windows open, it's still uncomfortably warm in the mid-day. I have a small fan next to the bed, that blows air in my face. It was humming loudly, and that was the first sound I heard when I opened my eyes.

I shifted in the sheets and thought of Michael..

I touched my lips and thought back to our kiss..I closed my eyes and saw him sitting at the bar watching me. My hand moved down my neck, over my stomach..and down to the elastic band of my panties. Just the thought of him makes my breath quicken.

But then I stopped myself this time. I switched gears and tried to think of my fiance instead.

But the feeling of arousal faded and I got up for breakfast.

That has to stop.
posted by Iris at 2:52 PM | link

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Different perspectives

My sister gave me a magazine filled with wedding dresses, she instructed me to circle the ones I like so that I could start the process of finding that "dream wedding gown". I just flipped through it absently, than dropped it on the kitchen table. I know in time I will start to feel excitment and anticipation about this..but not right now. It's too overwhelming.

I can sum up the 4th of July family get-together in one word:

Exhausting.

But his family was so kind, open and loving. My sister adores Luke. My mother is in complete bliss. She and Luke's mother really connected. The entire time my face hurt from so much forced smiling.

My mother called me today and gushed about how amazing Luke's family is for 45 minutes straight. I nodded and agreed. Then she started going on and on about the wedding. You would think SHE was getting married..But for once she wasn't speaking to me in an judgmental condescending tone. That was nice.

While she spoke I just sat there stroking behind my cat's ears and staring at a spot on the wall. There was a crack I hadn't seen before over the phone receiver..it stretches it up to my wall calendar. It's so ugly.

I never noticed it before.

Suddenly I started seeing all the cracks.

My bestfriend, Carl came by this morning with his 16 year old sister this morning to cheer me up. They brought bagels from the great deli down the street and fresh coffee from Starbucks. That was really sweet.

I was feeling down, and my eyes kept involuntarily fill with tears. I wiped them away with the back of my hand and laughed. "I'm an idiot..just ignore me, okay?"

His sister tried to put things on the bright side. It was really endearing what she said.

"Why are you depressed? You have no reason to be! You have everything going for you! You're getting married to a hot guy! You're really beautiful and you have the coolest hair. You're working in the coolest bar, and you get to stay out really late every night. You're totally free and you live in a really awesome bohemian apartment in the center of everything!"

I looked at her while she was saying this, Her face full of youth, anticipation of the future, idealism. Her whole life stretched before her. Even though I'm only 5 years older than her..I felt as though it's been decades since I was that age.

By the time she's my age, she would have graduated college, probably have a great internship lined up with some fabulous company. Have a wonderful successful life..and look at me? She thinks THIS is "cool"?" I had to laugh. I hugged her.

Luke wants me to move in with him now before the wedding. I told him about the financial problems I was having with the rent on my apartment yesterday. He offered to help me out even though I protested.

Why do I feel that at some point along the line my life shifted into autopilot and I lost the ability to control it?
posted by Iris at 2:57 PM | link

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Torn

What do you do when you're engaged to one person, but you have feelings for and desire someone else?

During our cigarette break outside the bar last night, I asked my co-worker and friend, Stacey this question.

Stacey is 15 years older than me, Her hair is dirty blond and in an over-processed perm style that reminds me of 1987. Her skin is weathered and her eyes tired from working over 17 years in this bar. She's the oldest employee in the company and has been here the longest. I really admire her realness, her honesty and her confidence. She doesn't take crap from any of the patrons. She always keeps the upperhand and is a bit cynical. Life can beat down on you, but she hasn't let it knock her down entirely. There's a sadness about her too. It's hard to define in words. She and I bonded over the past year, she's the only person I really can confide in during work hours.

Her answer surprised me:

"A lot of people will disagree with me on this. But I'm going to give you my advice. You can take it or leave it. It's your life. But I think you shouldn't let Luke go. As you grow older you'll see that a good, honest man that is willing to commit his life to you is hard to find. You're lucky"

I know this.

"But the fact that you have desires for someone else is an indication that you still have some wild oats to sow. You still have some issues to resolve. My advice is to persue those feelings, you should approach Michael and tell him what you want. You should experience it, you should have a passionate night and fullfill your dream. Than let it go. Never tell Luke about this. Ever. What he doesn't know wont hurt him. Then you'll be able to commit entirely to the relationship you're in. You wont wonder about "what COULD have been.."

"That means lying to him! Cheating on him!" honestly I was shocked by what she had said

"It depends on how you look at it. You're just withholding information..for his own sake"

I was thoughtful. I had to digest this idea. "I don't even know if Michael wants me..I don't know if he has any desire to be with me at all"

Stacey smiled "True, but I'll let you in on a little secret", She said and she put out her cigarette on the street. We were outside, and it was starting to drizzle. The cars were driving by in blurs and the traffic light changing. All this activity and yet I was totally in my own little world. My own little drama. "Michael came by friday night and asked for you"

Oh my god! When she said that I felt all these emotions rushing back, foolish foolish emotions. It gave me this rush, and I smiled. "really??"

She nodded. Then she went inside.

The rest of the night I kept scanning the bar, hoping to see him.

But he never came.

I have to get dressed, Today is going to be a big deal. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm leaving the city to see Luke's family, and my mother is coming to pick me up. I'll be there for 2 days. I'm dreading this whole experience I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just taking it day by day.

My landlord confronted me on Saturday before I left for work about the rent. I'm 5 days late. It's just that since I quit my second job, I've been coming up short at the end of the month. I'm going to have to ask my mother to help out again.

This is so embarrassing. I thought I would be entirely self-sufficient by age 21. It didn't quite work out that way. It could be worse, of course, I could have noone to turn to.
posted by Iris at 12:06 PM | link

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Lust vs. Love

When we make love I feel empty.

It's like I'm going through the motions, moaning at the appropriate moments and forcing an occasional sharp intake of breath. But for the most part I have my eyes closed. Sometimes I open them and see a flash of his shoulderblade..his chest..his hair falling on my cheek while his face is buried in my neck. I feel his breath on me, I feel his hands on my body, the tenseness in his muscles..eventually his release.

And I'm just there.

Afterwards tonight he whispered that he loved me and kissed my neck, cheeks, lips, forehead.

He really loves me. He really really loves me. I see it in his clear eyes. He touches me so tenderly. He sees a beauty in me that I don't even see in myself.

But when I say "I love you too", it sounds so hollow escaping from my lips.

I care for Luke, I care for him deeply. I love him, but not in the way that I should..not in the way he deserves to be loved.

Yet I'm so afraid of this fact and I want it to change so badly. I want to feel passionate for him, I want to feel certain that he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want these doubts. I wish they would go away.

I want to be content.

I realize that the only thing holding me back is my childhood fantasy. My idea of marriage when I was a child. I imagined marrying someone I would be deeply passionate about. I read those romance novels that described flowing hair, creamy bosoms and trembling thighs. The man had a "rod of desire" and the woman was aching for more. It was intense love and romantic.

I have to surrender the fantasy.

I also have to stop lusting after another man.

I have to accept that life isn't like the movies, Michael isn't secretly in love with me, and probably doesn't think about me half as much as I think of him.

He probably doesn't think of me at all.

I'm just a girl that works in the bar he frequents, some "chick" he kissed. Maybe he has a vague desire to "screw me". We have sexual chemistry, but that's not the basis of a potential future relationship.

I have to shift gears, accept the new path my life has taken. Luke is a blessing, he's a gift.

I'm going to love him, I'm going to love him with every fiber of my body. The love will grow over time. I know this. I don't know why I feel like crying while I type this..

Maybe it's because my cat is dry-heaving in the middle of the livingroom again. She's been sick on and off for a month and I can't afford to take her to the vet. Maybe it's because it's 2:30 A.M., and I've had too much to drink. Maybe it's fear.

This weekend Luke's family invited my family over for a Barbeque. It's going to be a huge gathering, joining of the families and celebration over our engagement.

I'm going to bed now. Anything I write further will only make me cringe when I wake up, I'm too tired to think straight. I just needed to get some feelings out.
posted by Iris at 5:55 AM | link

Friday, July 01, 2005

Michael

Last night at work, I saw him.

He approached the bar, and sat down on the stool. I just froze and felt like I couldn't breath. How can someone affect me so strongly?..just from seeing him?. I feel like my legs turn into jelly. My heart always starts pounding faster..I can actually feel it in my ears.

At the same time, I felt this euphoric anticipation in my chest..and desire to smile. It's like I come to life again when he's in the same room.

I had to steady myself before approaching him, I'm so afraid he can see it in my eyes..

My friend, Stacey whispered in my ear "Are you going to serve him..or should I?"

I just shook my head, and walked up to him.

When he saw me he smiled, this lazy warm smile. "Hi again"

"Hey" It's strange how just this moment made my entire night at work worth it. Made everything. I know I sound sad and infactuated, I know clearly how I sound. But if I can't express these feelings in a journal? Then where can I? This is my outlet.

He ordered a "Sex on the Beach", while I mixed the drink I felt his eyes on me. My hands were shaking under the bar. I saw there were other people waiting for drinks, but I didn't care. I took my time.

When I placed down the napkin and the glass on top of it. He looked down at my engagement ring.

"You're..Married?", he asked.

I felt this crushing restricting feeling in my chest when I responded "Engaged."

He stared at me. I wanted so badly for him to say something in that moment. Anything. Tell me that you feel something for me! Tell me that you're sad to hear that! Tell me that you can't stop thinking of that kiss too! Tell me I shouldn't get married!

Tell me something.. just say something!

But he simply looked down, took the drink, put out his cigarette and said "Congratulations". Then he walked away from the bar.

I stood there, and I felt myself trembling. I didn't know what to do with myself. Someone on the other side of the bar was snapping his fingers at me and saying "missy..excuse me?...Hello?"

I started absently wiping down the bar top..I felt the tears blur my vision. I dropped the towel and locked myself into a bathroom stall.

I just couldn't stop crying. I sat in that tiny stall, sitting on the toilet seat in my uniform..just sobbing into my hands for 15 minutes until my co-worker came in and told me I have to tell someone when I plan on taking a break. Not just "Disappear".

I wiped my tears, made a show of flushing the toilet and emerged apologetically.

I hate my life right now.

Luke is coming over in 25 minutes, He's taking me out for dinner tonight. I have to get dressed. I have to pull myself together. I have to snap out of this. I have to keep things in the right perspective. I have to stop behaving like this...

right now.
posted by Iris at 10:22 PM | link