Thursday, June 30, 2005

Time to grow up

He was in the middle of talking about the guestlist for our wedding reception, when I said it:

"I can't marry you".

He just stared at me in confusion.

Then I started crying and just blabbering about how scared I was. How it was all moving so fast and I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I told him I was sorry, that I was so sorry. It felt so good to get it all out.

He said it was okay, that we could take it slow. That we could push back the date, We would have a year to make it work and prepare.

"we love eachother, Iris. That's all that matters..isn't it?"

Then he kissed me on the forehead.

...and he went back to the guest list!!!

As though I was just a petulant child acting out..I sat there on the stool in the kitchen staring out the window. There was a pigeon on the waterdrain on the building across from mine. It made that funny little cooing noise and just peered at me. Then it turned it's back and crapped. past the bird, I could see another female through an apartment window in a stylish jumpsuit flipping through a magazine over coffee at her kitchen table..another life, another drama. One I knew nothing about. But for some reason, I envied her..because of the calm content look on her face as her eyes scanned the paper she was reading.

life for rent. Would she be willing to trade?

I played with a string hanging from my shirt..It's my favorite shirt and it was becoming frayed on the edges of the sleeves. It's from highschool. I looked at Luke while he was going down the list of names..crossing some out and then tapping his pen on his forehead. He was so cleancut, his hair neatly brushed. His slacks were pressed, and his shirt tucked in. He even sat up straight.

My life can change. I can stop smoking, I can stop working as a bartender.. Maybe I can even go to school. Luke has a well-paying job and a wealthy family. Isn't that what every girl dreams of?

Why am I not going through the bridal magazines with my eyes full of excitment, and flashing my ring at all my friends?

Instead I keep thinking of Michael in that bar..his kiss..his eyes..

If I get married, I will never know what could have been..I will never know what it would feel like to have him push me against the wall, and kiss me deeply..to feel his hands on me..to feel his touch..the whispered words..the taste of him.

But I will have security. I will have friendship. I will have a life partner. I will have love.

Besides, I'm infactuated with an elusive man that I don't even know. It was one kiss. just one kiss.

Let it go, Iris, Let it go.

It's time to grow up.

I have to get ready for work.
posted by Iris at 9:33 PM