Thursday, June 30, 2005

Time to grow up

He was in the middle of talking about the guestlist for our wedding reception, when I said it:

"I can't marry you".

He just stared at me in confusion.

Then I started crying and just blabbering about how scared I was. How it was all moving so fast and I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I told him I was sorry, that I was so sorry. It felt so good to get it all out.

He said it was okay, that we could take it slow. That we could push back the date, We would have a year to make it work and prepare.

"we love eachother, Iris. That's all that matters..isn't it?"

Then he kissed me on the forehead.

...and he went back to the guest list!!!

As though I was just a petulant child acting out..I sat there on the stool in the kitchen staring out the window. There was a pigeon on the waterdrain on the building across from mine. It made that funny little cooing noise and just peered at me. Then it turned it's back and crapped. past the bird, I could see another female through an apartment window in a stylish jumpsuit flipping through a magazine over coffee at her kitchen table..another life, another drama. One I knew nothing about. But for some reason, I envied her..because of the calm content look on her face as her eyes scanned the paper she was reading.

life for rent. Would she be willing to trade?

I played with a string hanging from my shirt..It's my favorite shirt and it was becoming frayed on the edges of the sleeves. It's from highschool. I looked at Luke while he was going down the list of names..crossing some out and then tapping his pen on his forehead. He was so cleancut, his hair neatly brushed. His slacks were pressed, and his shirt tucked in. He even sat up straight.

My life can change. I can stop smoking, I can stop working as a bartender.. Maybe I can even go to school. Luke has a well-paying job and a wealthy family. Isn't that what every girl dreams of?

Why am I not going through the bridal magazines with my eyes full of excitment, and flashing my ring at all my friends?

Instead I keep thinking of Michael in that bar..his kiss..his eyes..

If I get married, I will never know what could have been..I will never know what it would feel like to have him push me against the wall, and kiss me deeply..to feel his hands on me..to feel his touch..the whispered words..the taste of him.

But I will have security. I will have friendship. I will have a life partner. I will have love.

Besides, I'm infactuated with an elusive man that I don't even know. It was one kiss. just one kiss.

Let it go, Iris, Let it go.

It's time to grow up.

I have to get ready for work.
posted by Iris at 9:33 PM | link

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

This must end.


I realized something today.


I can not marry him.


I'm terrified of being alone, I'm terrified of letting him go because for the first time in my life someone has loved me. Someone was there for me. Someone thought I was the most beautiful and important person in the world.

Someone wanted to marry me.

He's handsome. He's kind. He's caring. He's loving.

But I don't feel that feeling of intense love when I'm with him, I don't feel the desire to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm not ready, it's too early.

I don't love him the same way.

I don't want to lose him either.

But we can't get married.

I don't know how to tell him.

I feel like my world is falling apart, and I've never felt so confused in my life.

My mother is so excited. She's already picking out wedding magazines for me, talking about a location, recommending caterers. She's willing to pay for the entire affair. For once in her life, she's proud of me.

I finally did something right.

for her.

but not for me.

This has to end.
posted by Iris at 5:35 PM | link

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Feeling empty

Luke wants me to move in with him, this whole week has consisted of telling everyone of our engagement and our parents meeting.

Everyone is so happy for us.

The truth is I want to break it off, crawl into a hole and die.

My diary makes for "fun" reading.

I quit my job at the cash register. I can't bare it, I'm still working nights as a bartender and looking through the classified for a better second job.

My cat is sick, but I can't afford to bring her to vet.

I have the day off and Luke is visiting some college friend out of town. I'm so bored. I think I'll go through some blogs and see what I can find, catch up on some reading.

I'm more of a book on tape type of person, I wish there was an audio link.

Maybe this will get my mind off the fact that I'm marrying someone that I don't love the way I should.
posted by Iris at 4:41 PM | link

Friday, June 24, 2005

It happened

Luke proposed to me tonight.

We've only been dating 2 months.

I said yes.

I don't know why, but I said yes.

I was caught up in the emotions of the moment, I had to say "yes"

there wasn't another possibility, it was all romantic and exciting. He wants to marry me.
But I'm this fucked up mess of confusion right now.

I can't even think straight.

I'm shaking, shivering and pacing around the room.

I'm not ready for this..

I don't know what to do.
posted by Iris at 3:38 AM | link

Saturday, June 11, 2005

He's Back

I saw Michael today in the bar.

He's back.

It's been over a month. He just sat there, staring down at his drink and rubbing his finger along the edge of the glass.

I didn't approach him.

I just watched him from the other side of the bar.

I stared at the features of his face, his lips, his clear eyes, his nose..his neck..his shoulders..
I felt this shiver go through me and I have to look away.

I still want him.

I remember the feel of his kiss..

I touch my lips and close my eyes.

I have to stop this. I have to stop this right now. I'm in a relationship with someone else and I'm happy. I'm really happy.

Why do I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of this?
posted by Iris at 4:37 AM | link

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Barbeque

I went to a barbeque today with Luke and his family.

I felt completely out of place.

They were blasting 50's music, the kids were splashing in the pool, The men were smoking cigars on the deck, and I was in the kitchen with his mother. She was explaining how to make a casserole.

In the middle of her explanation, she stopped and hugged me.

"I'm glad Luke found you, You mean the world to him. I've never seen him happier"

I managed to respond "Wow, really..thanks"

But for some reason what she said bothered me.

I could see Luke playing with his cousin on the front lawn through the kitchen window.

He's such an amazing guy.

He deserves so much better.

What the hell is he doing with me?

We made love tonight with the sound of fireworks in the background and he fell asleep immediately after.

Now here I am, nursing a cup of vermouth with a few random olives in it at 2:30 in the morning wondering why I can't get rid of this emptiness sitting in my stomach

Why do I just want to cry?
posted by Iris at 5:35 AM | link

Friday, June 03, 2005

High School "friend"

I hate working as a cashier. I hate it with a passion I cannot describe in words.

I saw an old friend from highschool today. There I was ringing up this insanely expensive blouse and she looks at me in surprise.

"Iris, is that you?"

I wish it wasn't me. I wish I could have answered No. No, Iris is a successful actress now. I just look like her. Would Iris be working at this shitty demeaning job earning minimum wage with a bunch of teenagers and than going home to change for her next job as a bartender? Of corse not.
But instead I smiled "Yea..Hey!"

She said the obligatory statement "You look good"

right.

Than there was this silence. So I asked her what she's been up to since graduation. She went on to tell me about how she's getting married and proudly displayed the huge rock on her hand.

She's working in "Print media" and she's planning to relocate to California.

Well isn't that nice.

She didn't bother to ask what I've been up to. I guess she figures my job explained it all. Instead she picked up her bag and said "Well, I hope everything works out for you. Good seeing you again, Iris"

Yes, Have a nice life.

I felt like shit the entire rest of the day.
posted by Iris at 10:31 PM | link

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Whatever

The days have been empty and passing slowly

Like the sand in one of those huge hour glasses

Sometimes I feel like the life is seeping out of me.

Luke and I have been spending alot of time together, I enjoy our moments together.

I like lying in bed, our bodies tangled up. I like our breakfasts sitting at my cheap wobbly kitchen table with the metal chairs looking at the sunlight coming in the window, I like walking through the streets having a hand inside mine. I like having him beside me at night, reading a book while I cut watch T.V. and drink a shot of Vodka.

The sex is good too. Comfortable, warm and feeling familiar now. I know the contours of his body, his smell, his hands..

But it's not mind-splitting and toe-curling.

I found another job

I'm working as a cashier in a department store

I hate it, but now I can pay the rent without having to borrow money from my Mom.
posted by Iris at 8:29 PM | link