Monday, April 04, 2005

What's wrong with me?

I still haven't resolved the issues I'm dealing with. I'm so discontent and unhappy. I feel like shit most of the time. I keep thinking about Michael.

I actually..

I know this is sick

But I actually find myself fantasizing about Michael while I'm in bed with Luke.

I told you it was sick.

I feel guilty about it afterwards when Luke is kissing me and telling me how special I am. How much he feels for me. He wants me to actually meet his family next week.

He's such a great guy. seriously. We have alot of fun together and he's so funny. We can just hang out and laugh for hours. It's just when he starts playing with my fingers..kissing my neck, pulling me closer.. then I feel uncomfortable. I want to tell him to stop, that I don't feel the same way. But the words don't form in my mouth.

I know if I say that I just want to be friends..I'll never see him again

It's nice always having plans on friday and saturday night. It's nice having messages on my machine every day. It's nice finding little love notes in my dresser and on the kitchen table after he leaves..

What the fuck is wrong with me?

On further news, I need to find a second job because this bartending thing isn't cutting it.
posted by Iris at 7:19 PM