Friday, April 01, 2005

Nothing's fine, I'm torn

Michael was there at work today.He was actually there.

My heart just stopped when I saw him, I felt myself grow warm inside and then weak in the knees. This excitment brimming in my stomach..I had to calm myself. Seriously. I can't describe how it felt to just see him at the other side of the bar smoking his cigarette staring off into space. his intense eyes..

I approached nervously and pretended to be wiping the counter..

he glanced at me, I pretended to JUST notice him and remember him.

"oh..hey, Hi again" I said with what I attempted at a casual smile.It was hard to look casual.

"hey", he said with that lazy smile

"Can I..get you anything?", I asked

He was staring at me. I was so nervous..I shifted from one foot to the other..twisting the corner of my cleaning rag..then I stopped when I noticed his his eyes on my fingers. "We have a 2 for 1 specials on the Vodka/Redbulls", I told him.

"that sounds good", he had said

While I was preparing the shots, I felt his eyes on me. I wanted to grab him, kiss him..pull off his shirt, run my fingers through his hair..

Then as I handed him the shots Luke showed up.

seriously, Luke actually showed up at that moment. His timing couldn't have been worse. I felt my mood crash.

than I didn't glance at him at first. I decided to pretend I hadn't seen him.

Michael slid a glass of redbull/vodka between his fingers and took a gulp. then he asked "so Bartender Iris..What's your specialty?",

"what?", I asked with a smile leaning in closer. I was confused. I had no idea what he meant by that.

"The drink you make best", He asked in what sounded like a teasing voice..His eyes were penetrating.

I hesitated before answering "sex on the beach", I tried to sound nonchalant..as though I wasn't implying anything.

Luke came directly up to us and said "Hey".

I sighed and forced a smile. "hey", I responded frozen in place.

"I just came in..Didn't you see me?", He asked.

I shook my head stiffly

then Luke actually leaned in and kissed me over the bar. I didn't kiss back. My face hot with unhappiness at the situation.

Michael slid off the bar stool and walked away.

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's what I was screaming in my head. I felt all the happiness seep out of me. Luke sat in his seat and ordered something, recapping the events of his day and cracking jokes.

I had to force myself to laugh at his wit, while my eyes kept searching the crowd for Michael..

Luke sensed I was out of it and asked me about it. I just shrugged and muttered something about being tired.

Then Carl arrived and the three of us all went out for dinner.

I couldn't help being sulky and distant. I didn't want to act or feel this way.

Yea, I'm scum. If anyone ever reads this..that's what you're gonna think.

I have a nice guy that could fall in love with me..yet I'm lusting after some stranger. I'm scum.

I'm sorry, I can't help the way I feel and I know I should be honest with Luke about it.

But the thought of being alone again is so fucking depressing.

I don't know what to do
posted by Iris at 6:16 AM