Saturday, April 23, 2005

Feeling like a criminal

I did something horrible.

I did something so horrid and unforgivable to Luke, that I don't even know if it's smart to even write this in my diary.

The worst part of this is that instead of feeling terrible about what I did, I feel this excitment in the pit of my stomach..

I feel happy, I feel alive..

I feel attractive.

Last night at work I saw Michael sitting at the end of the bar. It's been weeks since I've seen him.

I felt my heart pounding in my chest at the sight of him, I couldn't even breathe. I tried to focus on serving the customers in my work space and not to keep looking over at him, but it was impossible.

Eventually I walked over and gave him this stupid pathetic little wave and said "Hey".

His smile was warm and spread across his face. "Hey Iris", he said. suddenly he reached across the bar and took a hold of my wrist gently lifting it up.

Just the feeling of his skin on mine was enough to make this fluttery feeling in my stomach start, and my breathe catch in my throat.

"You have a cut", He said quietly

I did. I had cut myself on a piece of glass in the work station after cleaning up a bottle of wine that had been dropped.

He covered my hand with his, and I smiled at him. "I'm okay", I said "I don't need stitches or anything so.."

I wish there was a button I could push to make me stop talking. I say the stupidest things..
Anyhow to make a long story short, He asked me when I was getting off. I told him in 10 minutes..which was a lie. I actually had 2 more hours left to my shift. I just didn't want him to leave.

I ran into the kitchen and begged my friend who was checking out to stay an extra two hours and cover my shift. In return I promised to babysit her children for two nights in a row. she agreed.

I changed into my street clothes in the bathroom and came out to see Michael waiting for me at the bar.

I asked him "Where do you want to go"

He just stared at me. then he glanced lazily around "here is just fine"

So we sat, and talked. Or rather, I rambled, he listened quietly while drawing a design on the palm of my hand with his finger. I could barely think straight while he did that.. I wanted him so bad.

Then I remembered that Luke was probably going to come to pick me up at the end of my shift.

This was a disaster waiting to happen. I knew I had to end it.

I told him I had to go, wake up early or some lame excuse like that.

That's when it happened.

He leaned across the table and kissed me. It was the warmest, softest, most erotic kiss I had ever had. I leaned in for more..but he pulled back slightly.

He said "see you around"

and then he left. We didn't exchange numbers or plan a date for the next meeting. It was just surreal.

I sat at the table after he left, covering my smile with my hand and feeling my face grow warm.

I felt so happy and so good at that moment. I just wanted to spin in circles, laugh and dance.

I glanced over at my friend at the bar and she raised her eyebrows.

Luke came an hour later to pick me up. when I saw him, I had to keep averting my eyes. The car ride home was strange. I know I should have told him what happened but I couldn't.

I told him I wasn't feeling well, and that I would call him tomorrow.

I know what I did was wrong. I should feel worse about it and I know I WILL feel worse when I tell Luke. But right now..let me just feel good. For just a moment..

That was the greatest kiss in my life.
posted by Iris at 6:33 AM