Saturday, April 23, 2005

Feeling like a criminal

I did something horrible.

I did something so horrid and unforgivable to Luke, that I don't even know if it's smart to even write this in my diary.

The worst part of this is that instead of feeling terrible about what I did, I feel this excitment in the pit of my stomach..

I feel happy, I feel alive..

I feel attractive.

Last night at work I saw Michael sitting at the end of the bar. It's been weeks since I've seen him.

I felt my heart pounding in my chest at the sight of him, I couldn't even breathe. I tried to focus on serving the customers in my work space and not to keep looking over at him, but it was impossible.

Eventually I walked over and gave him this stupid pathetic little wave and said "Hey".

His smile was warm and spread across his face. "Hey Iris", he said. suddenly he reached across the bar and took a hold of my wrist gently lifting it up.

Just the feeling of his skin on mine was enough to make this fluttery feeling in my stomach start, and my breathe catch in my throat.

"You have a cut", He said quietly

I did. I had cut myself on a piece of glass in the work station after cleaning up a bottle of wine that had been dropped.

He covered my hand with his, and I smiled at him. "I'm okay", I said "I don't need stitches or anything so.."

I wish there was a button I could push to make me stop talking. I say the stupidest things..
Anyhow to make a long story short, He asked me when I was getting off. I told him in 10 minutes..which was a lie. I actually had 2 more hours left to my shift. I just didn't want him to leave.

I ran into the kitchen and begged my friend who was checking out to stay an extra two hours and cover my shift. In return I promised to babysit her children for two nights in a row. she agreed.

I changed into my street clothes in the bathroom and came out to see Michael waiting for me at the bar.

I asked him "Where do you want to go"

He just stared at me. then he glanced lazily around "here is just fine"

So we sat, and talked. Or rather, I rambled, he listened quietly while drawing a design on the palm of my hand with his finger. I could barely think straight while he did that.. I wanted him so bad.

Then I remembered that Luke was probably going to come to pick me up at the end of my shift.

This was a disaster waiting to happen. I knew I had to end it.

I told him I had to go, wake up early or some lame excuse like that.

That's when it happened.

He leaned across the table and kissed me. It was the warmest, softest, most erotic kiss I had ever had. I leaned in for more..but he pulled back slightly.

He said "see you around"

and then he left. We didn't exchange numbers or plan a date for the next meeting. It was just surreal.

I sat at the table after he left, covering my smile with my hand and feeling my face grow warm.

I felt so happy and so good at that moment. I just wanted to spin in circles, laugh and dance.

I glanced over at my friend at the bar and she raised her eyebrows.

Luke came an hour later to pick me up. when I saw him, I had to keep averting my eyes. The car ride home was strange. I know I should have told him what happened but I couldn't.

I told him I wasn't feeling well, and that I would call him tomorrow.

I know what I did was wrong. I should feel worse about it and I know I WILL feel worse when I tell Luke. But right now..let me just feel good. For just a moment..

That was the greatest kiss in my life.
posted by Iris at 6:33 AM | link

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Happy Birthday to me

Well, I'm 21. Can't say it feels any different from 20. Or that 20 feels any different from 19. And since I've been drinking since I was about..
15? Being "legal" isn't all that charming. But speaking of charming. Luke, on Saturday. Holy shit..
For a guy I've only known about a month, he sure went all out. He'd set up a candle lit dinner at his house, made me take off work and we spent the night laughing over a bottle of cristal while making out like jr. high students. Then..
We took a bath together. Can I say, if you've never bathed with your "significant other" while tipsy. Hmm :) I'll let you find out for yourself. And of course the embarrassing calls from family.
If I have to hear "happy birthday" sung over my voice mail in some faceless relative's voice one more time, I just might lose it. I didn't even know I had an Aunt mildred until I heard her emphasyma stricken voice erupting from my poor phone.
It seems the only person who didn't call is the only one I'd want to. (Michael)..ok enough of this pathetic crush..I really have to get over him.
posted by Iris at 2:49 PM | link

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Just life

There are moments in life when I just feel myself grow still and introspective. I think about where I'm heading..I think about who I am..

I just hang in that one minute in time and it feels like an eternity.

I panic and feel my breathe quicken and my pulse race... then this calmness washes over me.
I realize it's going to be okay.

Today I was sitting on the window sill, smoking a marlboro light and staring down at all the little people on the street scurrying like ants, all the cars, the honking, the music and the yelling. It's just crazy out there and it's so easy to fall into the whole drama..

I got a newspaper from the stand and marked up the employment section. To be honest..there isn't much out there for someone without a college education.

Am I stupid for not just going to law school or medical school and having my mother pay for it? Am I just being stubborn by trying to pursue my pathetic childhood dreams?

I asked Luke and he said he "admires my strength and that I stay true to myself"

But this is coming from someone who thinks my feet are cute.

trust me, they're not.

Well, My 21st birthday is coming up on Saturday. I've decided not to be depressed about it.
Instead be happy for one reason.

I can finally legally buy a beer at the bar I work in.
posted by Iris at 4:20 PM | link

Monday, April 04, 2005

What's wrong with me?

I still haven't resolved the issues I'm dealing with. I'm so discontent and unhappy. I feel like shit most of the time. I keep thinking about Michael.

I actually..

I know this is sick

But I actually find myself fantasizing about Michael while I'm in bed with Luke.

I told you it was sick.

I feel guilty about it afterwards when Luke is kissing me and telling me how special I am. How much he feels for me. He wants me to actually meet his family next week.

He's such a great guy. seriously. We have alot of fun together and he's so funny. We can just hang out and laugh for hours. It's just when he starts playing with my fingers..kissing my neck, pulling me closer.. then I feel uncomfortable. I want to tell him to stop, that I don't feel the same way. But the words don't form in my mouth.

I know if I say that I just want to be friends..I'll never see him again

It's nice always having plans on friday and saturday night. It's nice having messages on my machine every day. It's nice finding little love notes in my dresser and on the kitchen table after he leaves..

What the fuck is wrong with me?

On further news, I need to find a second job because this bartending thing isn't cutting it.
posted by Iris at 7:19 PM | link

Friday, April 01, 2005

Nothing's fine, I'm torn

Michael was there at work today.He was actually there.

My heart just stopped when I saw him, I felt myself grow warm inside and then weak in the knees. This excitment brimming in my stomach..I had to calm myself. Seriously. I can't describe how it felt to just see him at the other side of the bar smoking his cigarette staring off into space. his intense eyes..

I approached nervously and pretended to be wiping the counter..

he glanced at me, I pretended to JUST notice him and remember him.

"oh..hey, Hi again" I said with what I attempted at a casual smile.It was hard to look casual.

"hey", he said with that lazy smile

"Can I..get you anything?", I asked

He was staring at me. I was so nervous..I shifted from one foot to the other..twisting the corner of my cleaning rag..then I stopped when I noticed his his eyes on my fingers. "We have a 2 for 1 specials on the Vodka/Redbulls", I told him.

"that sounds good", he had said

While I was preparing the shots, I felt his eyes on me. I wanted to grab him, kiss him..pull off his shirt, run my fingers through his hair..

Then as I handed him the shots Luke showed up.

seriously, Luke actually showed up at that moment. His timing couldn't have been worse. I felt my mood crash.

than I didn't glance at him at first. I decided to pretend I hadn't seen him.

Michael slid a glass of redbull/vodka between his fingers and took a gulp. then he asked "so Bartender Iris..What's your specialty?",

"what?", I asked with a smile leaning in closer. I was confused. I had no idea what he meant by that.

"The drink you make best", He asked in what sounded like a teasing voice..His eyes were penetrating.

I hesitated before answering "sex on the beach", I tried to sound though I wasn't implying anything.

Luke came directly up to us and said "Hey".

I sighed and forced a smile. "hey", I responded frozen in place.

"I just came in..Didn't you see me?", He asked.

I shook my head stiffly

then Luke actually leaned in and kissed me over the bar. I didn't kiss back. My face hot with unhappiness at the situation.

Michael slid off the bar stool and walked away.


that's what I was screaming in my head. I felt all the happiness seep out of me. Luke sat in his seat and ordered something, recapping the events of his day and cracking jokes.

I had to force myself to laugh at his wit, while my eyes kept searching the crowd for Michael..

Luke sensed I was out of it and asked me about it. I just shrugged and muttered something about being tired.

Then Carl arrived and the three of us all went out for dinner.

I couldn't help being sulky and distant. I didn't want to act or feel this way.

Yea, I'm scum. If anyone ever reads this..that's what you're gonna think.

I have a nice guy that could fall in love with me..yet I'm lusting after some stranger. I'm scum.

I'm sorry, I can't help the way I feel and I know I should be honest with Luke about it.

But the thought of being alone again is so fucking depressing.

I don't know what to do
posted by Iris at 6:16 AM | link