Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I want to feel real love...

Yesterday I had breakfast in the morning with Luke. I had the morning off and we took a walk through central park. He held my hand and told me that he could see himself falling in love with me.

I smiled "wow..", I said, but couldn't say that I felt the same way.

I should have been honest and told him that from the start. But I couldn't because I WANT to feel in love too. I don't want to let the opportunity to be in love slip between my fingers.

Luke is a really great guy. He has a nice body, cute face and he's so funny. He has a great relationship with his family and has lots of brothers & sisters. He wants to get married someday and have 2 children, move out to the Island. etc..

My Mother would love him

He kisses me alot, holds me alot.. Treats me like I'm a princess.

Just last week I was bitching about wanting someone to hold and who looks at me with love in his eyes.. I was afraid of dying alone.

Now I found someone.

I should be thrilled

I'm going out with him tomorrow, He's meeting me at the bar I work at after my shift is over and we're going out for dinner. Carl is coming too because he's dying to meet him
posted by Iris at 4:15 PM | link

Monday, March 28, 2005

I feel nothing

I had another date with Luke tonight..

Yeah, and he's still here. He's sleeping in the other room, snoring slightly.

Okay, yes I slept with him,

Casual sex..woohoo..

I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd pass the time on the internet. It's also strange having him lying in my bed..I don't feel like I know him well enough to fall asleep comfortably in his arms.

I think I need more to drink.

I don't regret letting him stay, I just feel incredibly empty. I kind of let all the events unfold, but didn't get so swept up into the passion of it. I wanted to..

When he was kissing my neck and tugging at my pants..I wanted to feel excitment and anticipation. But I felt like I had to fake it..My mind was somewhere else. I just kind of let it happen and then afterwards lay in bed feeling..

feeling nothing.

not sad..not happy..not anything.

I rolled over and stared out the window for a while..replaying the events of the night a few times before getting up and starting to type here.

Is there something wrong with me.

I want to call Carl and talk to him, He always has a way of being excited and cheerful..that makes me smile. Makes me feel giddy.

I love gay men.

god, I need to feel something

Giddy would be nice.
posted by Iris at 6:41 AM | link

Saturday, March 26, 2005

He called

Luke did call..

the phone call was kind of wierd. I know I had been really drunk on our last date and I couldn't remember if we had anything in common or not. But he seemed eager to see me again.

I don't know why I'm not more into him

I fear that I'm only dating him because it feels good to be wanted by someone. It feels good to have someone look at you with lust in his eyes, to take your hand, to flirt with you, to laugh at your jokes, to say "god, you look good".

He's definitely hot..

Why is my heart not pounding in my chest at the prospect of seeing him again?

Damn..I want to feel that excitment
posted by Iris at 11:37 PM | link

Friday, March 25, 2005

Date Results

Well my date the other night went well.

After work we went out dancing together at "the Empire", the music was a little too loud to talk normal..so we spent alot of time screaming at eachother.

I got pretty smashed and we grinded on the dance floor.

He wasn't the greatest dancer in the world or anything. But we had fun, he has such a cute smile.

He nearly had to carry me home, my body leaning on his..

we laughed and talked about..

I can't even remember what we talked about, to be honest.

At the door to my apartment we kissed. One of those sloppy drunk kisses. Then I untangled from him with a slightly uncomfortable laugh and fumbled for my house key.

For a moment as I managed to open my front door, I considered letting him in..

But I was too dizzy and the moment wasn't right. So we said "goodbye" at the door. He was giving me that LOOK

I know that look..

It was the "little pig..little pig.. let me in.." look

I gave him the "not by the hair of my chinny chin chin." smile and eased the door closed.

He has my number.

I wonder if he'll call me again
posted by Iris at 5:32 PM | link

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I have a date

Well, I have a date.

No, It's not with Michael

His name is Luke. He's a 25 year old website designer and computer game reviewer. He has blond hair and green eyes and dimples..

I met him at the bar, he started talking to me when I served him his drink.

He was funny, He had me laughing so hard I choked on my spit.

he thought that was cute and asked me to go out with him tomorrow night after work.

I shrugged and said "sure", with a goofy smile.

He doesn't make my heart beat wildly in my chest, but he seems sweet and sincere. It doesn't always have to be love at first sight, right?

Sometimes love just develops.

Carl is excited for me

I guess I'm excited too. It's my first date since I was cheated on by my last boyfriend, Briant.
I just had this horrible thought..

what if he..or anyone I knew found this diary and read this.

I doubt that will happen.
posted by Iris at 7:28 PM | link

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I would rather die homeless

I have nothing to write about

I might stop this diary all together because it's just pathetic rantings that noone really cares about. I should just give it up.

I'm working double shifts now at the bar and hoping to see Michael
or fuck Michael..anyone

Just someone under 40 that smiles at me in a kind way and listens to my struggles

My Mom lent me the money for my rent this month, but she said that if I need help next month..she wont help, that I should just move back home and go to college in my hometown..
studying law.

Sorry Mom, I would rather die homeless in the street than submit to your ideas of how I should live my life.
posted by Iris at 6:33 PM | link

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Damn

I'm stoned. It's 4/20 after all.

typing is damn near impossible at the moment..

Carl is making margaritas in the kitchen and eating all the food in my fridge. I think he's so stoned that he forgot that I'm sitting here waiting for him to return and talk to me again.
So I thought I would type on my diary to amuse myself..

I had all these thoughts that seemed so deep a few minutes ago..but I can't repeat them because I don't think I can formulate them properly or rather..articulate

articulte..articulate..that's such a strange word

It has art in it and late...art and late..

I wish I was an artist, I would paint pictures all the time, of all my friendas and give them as gifts.. I would have dreams and I would paint them, so vivid..

vivid..that's another strange word

don't you think

say it ten times..

everything feels overwhelming right now, my whole life a huge fucking failure

My rent is due at the end of this month and I wont have a check coming in from my day job because I don't have it anymore..

I looked for jobs today

i really did..

nothing..except telemarketing

Oh god, please don't make telemarketing a last resort for survival.

I could borrow money from my Mom

I might have to do

I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW
posted by Iris at 4:30 AM | link

Saturday, March 19, 2005

My Amazing life

Okay, I'm feeling like shit and I'm drunk on top of it.

My 21st birthday is coming up and I don't have a boyfriend, didn't go to college, lost my fucking job at Walmart, and work at night in a bar.

The only thing good in my life is my goddamn cat.

It's moments like this when I think of checking out entirely.

If I just had someone to hold me, someone that looked into my eyes and whispered "I love you"..Maybe life wouldn't seem so hard and lonely.

I watch "sex in the city" and think okay that's me now..and that's going to be me when I'm in my thirties..single and dating in New York. That's going to be the rest of my life.

when I was younger I really believed that there was going to be a prince charming out there, just waiting to sweep me off my feet.

By now I would be graduating college and we would be getting married, I would be an actress or a model.. or something famous.

I really believed at 13 that was a possibility..

Now harsh reality has crashed on me and I'm sitting on this computer with my cat trying to attack my feet, alone and drunk from hanging out in the bar after work with my friend waiting for Michael to show up. Hoping to see his gorgeous face so I could fantasize about it later.
yes, folks..this is what my amazing life is all about.

damn
posted by Iris at 5:01 AM | link

Friday, March 18, 2005

Fuck

Wow. Guess fucking what.

I lost my job at Walmart photo Dept.

I don't even want to write about this. I'm so angry at that little bitch. She is obviously working there to earn some extra money for her goddamn designer pink leg warmers and brand name high heeled shoes. She's supported by her parents.

I'm working to pay for my fucking rent.

I actually NEED the money

I have to talk to my boss at my bartending job and see if he can give me extra hours until I find another second job.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Iris at 8:20 PM | link

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Another Encounter

He was there.

Michael was there..

When I started working, I saw him right away..sitting there alone, scanning the crowds of people.

In my imagination I let myself believe he was searching for me.

So I did my most sexy saunter and approached him.

"What can I get you?", I asked, I thought of leaning on the bar table, so I could show him a little cleavage. then I had a vision of being like Britney Spears. That frightened me.

I stood up straight.

"A becks", he said with a smile

I brought him the drink and our fingers met as I put it on the bar and he grabbed at it simultaneously.

"so what kind of name is Iris?", He asked

He remembered my name!!!!

then I lamely responded "I don't know..what kind of name is Michael?'

He did this little laugh thing and took a swig.

Meanwhile my last stupid sentence kept repeating itself over and over in my head

My friend motioned for me to help her at the other side of the bar. I avoided her glance..

"When do you get off from work?", he asked me suddenly

My face grew hot..I opened my lips and closed them, trying to play it cool.

I shrugged "depends on the night"

"tonight?", he asked

Suddenly my friend grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her and bitched at me about not helping her with the customers. I was so embarassed to be snapped at in front of Michael. I muttered an apology and quickly started serving the other customers at the bar.

I saw Michael watching me and I pretended not to notice. My ears felt red. I didn't even look at him for about a half an hour.

When I turned around he was gone
posted by Iris at 11:30 PM | link

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

My Stupid Job

I have this sneaking suspicion that I'm going to lose my job at Walmart..

I had alot of sick days in the beginning because I was too tired from working at the bar at night to come in for the morning shift.

Meanwhile little Ms. sixteen year old cheerleader is always on time and is pushing the Boss to hire one of her friends that apparently dropped out of school and is looking for full time work.

He's available all hours including the morning shift..

blah blah

I hate this fucking job anyway.

Before I leave I'll break the machine.

yeah right.

Sometimes I hate life

the highlights of this job is developing Carl's secret erotic shots of his boyfriend..that man is hot. Carl is always thankful to me for keeping it mum for him.

What will he do when I lose this job

Okay, I don't know for sure whether I'm going to lose it, so I'll just shut up.
posted by Iris at 7:24 PM | link

Good times with my Mother

I saw my Mother yesterday.

We did lunch

Once again she went through the whole "you're so talented..you don't you find a real job or go to college for something useful..like psychology or law. You're just lazying around, wasting your youth and life in a bar and walmart. It's awful for me when my friends ask how you're doing..what am I supposed to say? I have nothing to be proud of..why can't you be more like your sister..etc etc"

She has plenty of money, but she refuses to finance my college if I study Dramatic arts because she claims that would be a "waste of her money"

then she asked me if I'm dating anyone.

She said that I have only about 5 good years left to find the right person, after that I'm screwed.

All the good ones will be taken or go after girls younger than me.

I just nodded and pushed around the salad on my plate

Whatever.
posted by Iris at 2:51 AM | link

Sunday, March 13, 2005

I wonder why he hasn't come back

I realized that days without Michael encounters leave me with very little to write about.
Damn that is really sad.

Do you want to hear more about my cat?

My morning rituals..

Working in the Walmart photo lab with a superficial teenage co-worker

or the excitment of my bartending job?

Maybe I could do a little "Coyote Ugly" dance on the bar table tonight, so I'll have something to write about tomorrow..

I get hit on alot, but mostly older business man..it's nothing even worth mentioning. It doesn't even phase me. I learned the art of smiling and walking away with a slight sway in my hips. It brings me more tips and keeps me elusive. But it doesn't do much to boost my selfesteem because I know guys go after anything with breasts. I'm just an object to them..none of them would give a shit about my life story, my fears, my struggles..

except maybe Michael..

Yet, all the times I saw Michael at the bar..I lost my touch and became a dorky teenage girl goggling over some heartthrob..

And I wonder why he hasn't come back
posted by Iris at 8:30 PM | link

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Smoke Rings

I dreamt about Michael last night. I have the morning off from the photo lab. Carl is coming over and I can share my fantasies with him. He always loves to listen. He's probably the greatest friend a girl could have..and he's cute too.

But don't get any ideas. This isn't going to be like those 80's movies where I discover that Carl is the one I was meant to be with all along, If only I had seen it sooner. The two of us laughing about it on our wedding night..

Carl is gay

I think I'm going to start smoking again. Last night I bought a pack of cigarettes on my way home from work

I smoked some in Highschool but never really picked it up as a habit.

I'm already imagining Michael and I in bed smoking cigarettes after sex, the window open and the sounds of the city sailing in..the curtains blowing. then he puts out the cigarette and rolls on top of me...

sorry, getting carried away, like anyone wants to read this shit.
posted by Iris at 1:33 AM | link

Thursday, March 10, 2005

I know his name

He was there.

I was about to give up hope of seeing him and was going to leave work a little early because I was exhausted from working two jobs..My whole body hurting. My friend had said she would close up for me..

Then I spotted him, in his usual spot at the end of the bar. He had a cigarette in his mouth and tapping the pockets in his jacket for a lighter..

I had to move fast.

I grabbed my friend who is a smoker and hissed.." lighter lighter lighter..now now now!" in her ear.

She turned to me in confusion, but pulled one out of her pocket.

Then I nearly ran to him, almost slipping on the ground.

I extended the light towards his face.

He looked at me in what appeared to be a surprised and pleased expression. then lit his cigarette off my lighter.. inhaling and slowly exhaling. His eyes on me.

I was melting.

"thanks", he responded

We stared at eachother for a moment. Then I realized I must look like a dork just standing there. So I grabbed an empty glass off the bar counter and turned to leave.

He touched my arm "wait"

I glanced at him, trying not to appear to eager and desperate

"what's your name?", he asked

"oh..Iris", I muttered with what I hope was a cute smile. but it probably wasn't.

"I'm Michael", he said extending his hand

His hand was large compared to mine and warm. I didn't want to take it out of his..I wanted to pull him over the bar table and start kissing him..

Instead I strolled aimlessly away with my empty glass..

When I turned around, he was counting out money and putting it on the counter.

Damn, I didn't even ask him if he wanted another drink..

He only had a single beer.

Then he was gone.

DAMNNNN!!

Michael.........
posted by Iris at 5:45 PM | link

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I just got back from working in the film lab. We have a new employee, She's 16 and annoying as fuck.

She wouldn't stop talking about her boyfriend and how great he was. I hated her for being so happy..

Isn't that sick?

I also hated her for being so stupid.

Maybe hate is a strong word

In an hour I have to get dressed and head out to work at the bar.

wow, if anyone is even bothering to read this.. I must seriously sound like I have no life.

I just don't have much time. Too busy working, so I can afford to start one.

And my mind keeps swirling over and over the same thought..

Is he going to be there tonight?

Hey, I have to have something to look forward to.

I'm going out to grab a bite to eat
posted by Iris at 9:42 PM | link

Pathetic

I'm really not as pathetic as I sounded in my last entry.

At least I want to believe that I'm not.

I was just feeling so empty and bored. I hate boredom. sometimes it's hard living alone in New York. When I walk out into the streets, I just become engulfed into the crowd of bustling strangers..

I disappear

But actually my friend, Carl dropped by yesterday while I was watching "Meet Joe Black". he brought a bottle of tequila and sordid tales of his last love affair.

Carl is my bestfriend

He agreed that I do look like that girl from the film, I personally don't see it. but I'm flattered at the idea of it.

Carl also came to see me at the bar tonight while I was working because I had told him about the handsome stranger I've been lusting about. He was hoping to catch a glimpse of him

So was I

He never showed up.
posted by Iris at 3:58 PM | link

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Empty Moments

Time has this way of slowing down when you have nothing to do and your lonely.
I have the day off and I have nothing to do.

That's so pathetic.

All my friends are busy, either working or have other plans. My mother isn't even picking up the phone. I thought of calling my older sister, but it seems rather pointless.. I can already envision the conversation..

"oh..hi, Iris..wow, so..er..is everything okay?"

"yes, Just calling to say hi"

"oh wow, yea, hi"

(silence)

"so what's up, sis?"

"not much"

(silence)

"well, yea..it was good talking to you but I have to go because.."

"yeah yeah..that's cool, Okay bye"

"bye"

that would be our general conversation, so basically I can avoid the arkwardness of it by simply not calling at all.

Which leaves me back where I was before

lonely

I don't even have cable

Maybe I'll go rent "Meet Joe Black"

Yes.

I have a plan.
posted by Iris at 12:37 PM | link

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Flashback

Another thursday night making margaritas for girls with "tan-in-a-can" smeared on their faces & cleavage. I didn't see him tonight. I felt pathetic searching the scene as I moved along the bar, hoping I'd be pierced with those dark eyes. Itching, hoping.

But you know who did show up?

Brian. With his black sweater I'd gotten him that Christmas he first proclaimed "love".

Flash back.

Winter of 2003, first snow spiraling around our heads. Trapped in a snowglobe time stopped & his expression was implying something else..Then he said it. "Iris, I really love you." But of course those words would be followed by a "I barely remember fucking her, I swear."

3 months later. Beautiful, isn't he? This apartment is a lonely empty pit & the silence always makes me feel like I'm about to be murdered.
posted by Iris at 3:35 AM | link

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Shrinking

There are moments in life when everything seems so small and pointless. When you lie in bed and you feel yourself shrinking..

The bedsheet engulfing you and it doesn't seem to make much of a difference whether you move or not.

I think of my dreams of life only 3 years ago..and I wonder if this is as good as it's going to get. What if this is it.

I wish my cat would stop meowing and start talking. It's pissing me off

Asshole called lastnight..He want's to get back together
posted by Iris at 3:34 PM | link

Friday, March 04, 2005

Meet Joe Black

he was there again last night, I noticed him while I was talking to the dishwasher..standing outside the kitchen. I felt my breath catch in my throat and for a moment..I wanted to hide
hide.

From a customer at the bar I've only seen once before..like a pathetic school girl.

fucking stupid

I served him a vodka tonic again and he smiled at me

"I like your hair", he said

I touched my hair nervously..seeing if it was still in the ponytale..feeling selfconscious "thanks", I said standing there..then starting to wipe the counter despite the fact that there were two customers on the other side of the bar waiting for service.

"you look like someone famous.. I can't remember her name..", He murmered distantly "the one with..Brad pitt, he's like the devil or something"

I smiled and shrugged

"meet Joe black", he finally said

"I haven't seen it..", I said but before I could finish, the customer at the other side was yelling for me. I went to him and when I came back, A girl next to him had started talking to him.

They talked together all night

he left me a nice tip.

I have to see "Meet Joe Black"
posted by Iris at 5:38 AM | link

Thursday, March 03, 2005

I want to call him

5-2
My cat is constantly meowing, I never know what he wants from me, his big green eyes peering at me with such urgency it floors me. I feed him, hug him, let him out, let him in..nothing changes that incessant sound..

walking around my pad this morning, I felt so alone. I finally have that apartment in New York I wanted, and all I feel is empty. the white walls with small cracks running down the sides, the bohemian furniture..my own full size bed, plants, livingroom, bathtub. I should be happy, at only 20..I'm completely self-sufficient.

Eventually I'll raise enough money to go to college and study dramatic arts, for now I'm content with my daytime job developing film and my nighttime job as a bartender

that's bullshit

I'm not content..

I want to call him..

fuck
posted by Iris at 1:24 AM | link

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I met him at work, He was the guy with dark piercing eyes and hair hanging over his face that was at the end of the bar nursing a vodka tonic. While I was working I couldn't stop casually glancing in his direction..and when I wasn't, I felt his eyes on me. Leaving the back of my neck feeling hot, like he was burning a hole through it. I was so conscious of every move I was making..

So conscious that I kept fucking up people's orders, glasses slipping out of my hands..
I hate that someone..a perfect stranger can make you feel like that

When he left a tip, he put it directly into my hands and then slid off the barstool and disappeared into the mass of people.
posted by Iris at 3:23 AM | link