Saturday, December 30, 2006

Unforgiveable?

What do you do when you're attracted to your bestfriend's boyfriend?

It's early Saturday morning, I'm alone. Lisa is away for the weekend and I'm sitting at home feeling guilty. I hate this heavy sensation of regret that's lying on my chest. I could say that technically I didn't do anything, I could say that I'm innocent but I know in my heart I'm not. I know what I did was wrong...it's bothering me.

It started a number of months ago, the first time I saw Matthew

I can't describe the connection I felt with him. Maybe it was just a primal desire. It was a feeling of warmth that spread down my body and settled inbetween my legs. I involuntarily licked my lips, I realized this attraction and how it was coming through in my body language. I tried to curb it. Ignore it. Play it cool.

He gazed at me and I gazed back. He smiled and I flushed. Just from this first meeting. He has dark hair, green eyes.. He's tall, lean with a nice amount of muscle tone.

He's 27. Lisa had been dating him for a week before I first met him.

After he left, she talked non-stop about how much she liked him, how this time it's "for real". How great the sex was with them. How wonderfully he kisses. She didn't spare any details. She sat with me and told me everything. Details that made the heat rise to my face with slight embarrassment and yet I didn't want her to stop because it was turning me on.

But I never acted on these feelings. Never. I respected their relationship. She's my bestfriend.

But it tortures me. I was dating someone else and yet I kept looking at Matthew and Lisa. I watched them kiss, I watched the way his hand traveled down her back and into her pants. I watched them move against eachother.

I want what she has, I want that passion and fire.

When Lisa isn't around, We kind of flirt. Not outright flirting but subtle.

We crossed the line last week. I know we did. Nothing happened, but we did...

Lisa went out for a beer run and to do some grocery shopping. I stayed in the house with Matthew. I took a shower and came out of the room with only a small towel wrapped around my body.

I let my wet hair fall over my face and I leaned against the counter. He just watched me. I felt like my entire body was on fire. I pulled myself up onto the counter top, so I was sitting. He didn't say a word. He just watched.

Then I opened my legs.

I gave him a full view. Just doing THAT made me so turned on. I knew he saw how open I was, How much I wanted him. ..

I saw the bulge in his pants. I saw his breath get caught in his throat.

Then I realized what I was doing and I stopped. I slid off the counter and went back into the bathroom. I felt guilt, but more turned on... I let my body slide against the door while I ...

I heard him. I heard him masturbating on the other side of the door. I knew what he was doing. He knew what I was doing.

Then I started crying.

I got dressed and left the apartment before Lisa could return and see the guilt on my face.

I've barely spoken to her since then.

Is it forgiveable? Would you forgive your friend if she did this to you with your boyfriend? Would you understand? What if your friend told you she was falling in love with him... told you she was so sorry... told him that she was hurting just as badly.

I love Lisa. She's the closest friend I have in the world right now.

I can't believe I did this. I make myself sick.

I just needed to get this out. Somehow writing about this helps. It's out there now. If she finds this fine. I can't let this eat me up anymore. This is my place to vent and it took me a week to build up the courage to do it.
posted by Iris at 7:17 AM | link

Friday, December 22, 2006

Still alive

Believe it or not, Im still alive.

I just haven't had the urge to write in my diary. My life has been so chaotic and busy once I started college. I'm juggling my classes and two jobs. I feel like I don't have time to breath.

I'm on Christmas break from school now and Lisa is away visiting her family out of state. I have the whole house to myself for an entire week.

There is a lot happening in my life...

This could be a long catch up entry because it's been a few months but I'm going to skip all that. I'll just sum it up.

Going to school, Still living with Lisa, Still hanging out with Jonas. (as friends). I see paul sometimes too.

Slept with a guy named Jonathan for 2 months. I met him in my psychology class.

We broke up 3 weeks ago. To be honest, the sex was awkward. There was so much fumbling and we didn't spoon well. He shifted in his sleep all the time and had frequent nightmares. We were the same age and that felt weird because I'm used to older men.

There is something else going on right now. Something I thought I was going to write about now, but I've had a few drinks tonight and I'm not feeling up to opening up about this yet. It's complex.

I'll write about it next week. I'm going home to spend christmas with my mother and sister. I'll be back on Tuesday.

Merry Christmas.
posted by Iris at 6:46 PM | link

Friday, September 08, 2006

College life

Well. It's official.

I'm a college girl now!

I just finished my first week of classes.

Last week was orientation and registration. Wednesday I attended my first class. It's strange to want something for so long and then to actually get it. I arrived 15 minutes early and slid into an empty seat. I watched the class fill up with students (most of them around 4 years younger than me). I had my notebook open and my pen ready to start writing notes. I must have appeared over eager, I was just happy to finally be a college student.

I still haven't declared my major, but I have a year to figure it out according to my guidance counselor.

It's not as difficult as I expected, just a lot of reading right now and expensive textbooks to buy. The professors didn't look like stereotypical professors. (i.e. gray hair, glasses, suits..) None of them are like Robin Williams from "Dead Poets Society" . Most of my teachers are in their thirties.

I haven't updated in a while because to be honest, I didn't feel the urge. My life was kind of going on a downhill spiral and when it finally picked up again, I was too busy to write about it. I don't have as much private alone time as I used to. Since Lisa moved in, everything has been so chaotic.

However, I started college and that's pretty damn huge.

Let me try to recap the past month of my life.

Lisa and I are bestfriends now. I can truly say that I love her. We just get eachother and we still sleep in the same bed. It's comfortable and there isn't much space anyway. Eventually she'll probably be able to afford another futon, for now the arrangement still works.

Jonas and I see eachother every other day. I finally built up the courage to tell him about my struggles and be honest about everything...(except for the fact that I have a crush on him) The crush has calmed down a bit, once I stopped seeing our friendship as dating... I still want to kiss him and it still hasn't happened but I'm okay with it.

I havent seen Michael since that incident... I kind of fell out of contact with some of my other friends (i.e. Stacey and Carl) It's because I spend all of my time with Lisa now. She's in the shower at the moment.

I'm still working at the bar, I just took on some more shifts. There's so much to write about and not enough time... We have some friends coming over in half an hour.

I'm going to update more often again, I miss this outlet.. I miss having a place to put down my feelings and experiences. My days feel more empty without, and I forget things. I realize I need this diary. This is my space, my private corner to express myself. I have all these emotions that I keep bottled up inside, all these feelings, desires... I can't even get it all out. I'm doing better on the outside, but I'm still struggling on the inside.

It's my turn to get in the shower.
posted by Iris at 6:27 PM | link

Friday, August 18, 2006

horrible week

My health is back but this has been a terrible week for me.

1. I lost my job at the Deli. I had to take off for a week and a half because I was too sick to get out of bed. I had explained the situation and I had a note from the doctor. I was also hospitalized for a short time and I had proof of that as well. I knew they were going to hire someone new temporarily to fill in for me. It's a small family-owned deli.

I was surprised when I came into work on Wednesday and saw a tan blond teenager behind the counter. My boss's wife led me into the backroom.

She basically said "I'm really sorry, Iris. We're going to keep Kelly on and let you go. She is a good employee and she is willing to work full time. You were going to cut your hours to only weekends once school started anyway. We need someone reliable. I'm really sorry, sweetie."

2. I had to kiss my boss to keep my job at the bar - I was planning on starting work again on Tuesday, but I was still too weak. I had to call in sick...again. Lisa informed me that my job was hanging by a thread and they were thinking of replacing me.

Wednesday night, I still felt lighthead and my body felt drained. I had to keep leaning against the wall during my night shift. The room tilted a few times and I started seeing grains floating in my vision.

My boss pulled me into his office. He started lecturing me again. Drunk as usual.

At this point I couldn't let him fire me. I would be left entirely jobless with no income.

I moved up close to him while he was talking, and stroked the corner of his collar. I kind of let my body fall against his, just the smallest amount. I was just so desperate and scared.

"I need this job to survive right now", I whispered. "What do I have to do to keep it?"

He smiled and put his hand on my hip, pushing me against him. "You can show me a little love. Let me know how committed you really are to this job. Your work performance doesn't demonstrate that"

I closed my eyes tightly and forced myself to kiss him. His lips were wet, flabby, loose, and he tasted like vodka. He tried to push his tongue inbetween my lips, I stopped it from entering by keeping my jaw shut...his tongue just ended up pushing against my teeth. He squeezed my butt tightly with his hand and He grinded my body against the hard on. I could feel it through the fabric of his ugly slacks and I wanted to vomit. I could actually feel the bile moving up my throat.

I made myself moan slightly and then pulled away. I looked down, willing myself not to cry. My first impulse was to cry. I felt sick. What I had done made me hate myself, it made me feel weak and pitiful. I had no choice.

He rubbed against the crotch of his slacks. It was a drunken move. He smiled. "Alright get back to work."

I shuffled out of the office, I felt so low at that moment. I can't describe it in words. I just wanted to end my life.

This is what I've become? I'm willing to do anything to hold on to a shitty bartending job because I desperately need to cash to survive?

This isn't the life I imagined. This is nothing like I imagined. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I've come to.

I told Lisa about it and she just wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "I would have done the same thing. We do foolish things when we're pushed into a corner. The man is a complete pervert and prick. He got his jollies off and you kept your job. It happened. You can't take it back, so just let it go"

I know if I told Stacey, she would direct me to a sexual harrassment lawyer. Which is what I SHOULD do... but I'm sure my boss would turn it around on me.

I'm tired. More things have happened this week, but I don't have the desire to get into it. I just feel really finished right now.

This illness has taken so much out of me.
posted by Iris at 3:48 PM | link

Sunday, August 13, 2006

an update

I'm still sick, I've missed so much work.. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I was tested for Mono, Epstein-bar and CMV... After a lot of blood tests, I came up clean. Apparently it's just a particularly bad strain of influenza.

It also turns out that I have anemia. I have to start taking prescription iron tablets daily...

I'm still weak. I was so sick at one point on Wednesday, I was taken to the hospital to have my fever reduced. I don't remember any of it. Most of my week was spent in bed. It's all a blur, a sweaty haze.

I'm doing better than I was before. I can sit up and eat soup. Before I was just drinking liquids. I lost some weight.

Jonas has been by my side through all of this. Lisa has been great too.

I'm just updating to say that I'm not dead. I told my boss I'd be back in work on Monday. i have to pull myself together. I'm too tired to type anymore about this right now.
posted by Iris at 8:56 PM | link

Monday, August 07, 2006

still sick

This flu is knocking the life out of me. I'm still sick. I feel dizzy and disoriented from these painkillers that lisa gave me. I missed 3 days of work. I feel like gravity is working against me and I'm trying to push against the air. I can't stomach anything.

I should probably go to the doctor on tuesday if this doesn't go away I can't live like this
posted by Iris at 3:43 AM | link

Thursday, August 03, 2006

sick day

I haven't eaten all day and I called off sick from work this morning. I've come down with a strain of the flu. It started yesterday. I nearly passed out behind the counter at the deli and later on at the bar, I had to keep leaning against the wall. My body felt weak and my head was pounding.

Right now every joint aches, I can't keep anything down. I have a fever and my neck is stiff. I feel like my body is a huge bruise.

I've been tossing and turning in bed all day. We don't have an air conditioner, so I've been melting ice cubes on my body to stay cool. I can't wear anything because it feels constricting. I keep pulling the blankets over me and then tearing them off. I can't make myself comfortable. I hate this.

Jonas came over this afternoon. He wiped my forehead, gave me cold water and talked with me. We watched a movie together and he just left. He was so sweet and loving. I know from my reflection that I have no color in my lips and gray circles around my eyes. My hair is tangled. I look like death today.

I didn't call Richard, I don't know if I will. I don't know how I feel about anything or anyone right now. I just need to lay back down and sleep. I hate this. I left the bar early yesterday and I can't afford to take off again tonight. We're short staffed but I can barely even stand. I don't want to get fired. Lisa promised to explain everything to my boss.

I wish life wasn't like this. I'm tired of working so hard. I'm tired of feeling so confused all the time and lost. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand and guide me. Someone to take the burden off for a while so I can really rest. Someone to tell me its gonna be all right.

I'm so tired.
posted by Iris at 7:55 PM | link

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Richard

"He looks like my father!"

That's the first thought that crossed my mind when I saw Richard.

He was standing near the bar in a casual suit. He looked italian with a full head of dark hair and a nice smile. I haven't seen my father much since his divorce with my mother but he had such a strong resemblance. It put me at ease immediately. He was talking with a middle aged slightly balding irish-looking man with blond hair in a similar suit.

Lisa and I were hanging out together at the other side of the lounge room. I felt more sexy than I usually do. My hair was pulled up in a chigon and I was wearing a black dress I had snagged on clearance at Jones New York. I felt mature and sophisticated in this setting. It was strange and hard to describe. Lisa had a different posture too, she was standing up straight with her chest pushed out. She kept tossing her hair past her shoulder and smiling elusively around the room.

She was the one that had pointed Richard out for me. She was checking out the Irish-looking friend. We smiled at them and they smiled back. I looked down nervously. I never checked out a man so much older than me. It felt kind of forbidden and out of character.

It didn't take long until they approached us and offered to buy us a drink. It was different than encounters I usually have with guys my age in a night club. There wasn't the nervous small talk and the humor. It was more direct with a lot of eye contact. Richard put his hand on the small of my back while he led me to the bar. I glanced over at Lisa and she was already hitting on his friend.

I drank a lot of cocktails and listened to Richard tell me about his job. I could tell by his watch that he was wealthy and I loved the smell of his aftershave. I liked the way his eyes wrinkled in the corners when he laughed. I was a little nervous and didn't say much. At one point I realized Lisa wasn't beside me. I searched the room and saw that she was kissing the other guy. I was surprised at how fast she moved because I wasn't at that stage at all. I felt sort of abandoned and a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Then Lisa pinched my arm and whispered "I'm leaving with Jon, are you okay?"

I wanted to grab her arm and hiss "NO! don't go! wait for me..." But instead I just nodded and tried to save face. I'm an adult, I'm not a 10 year old girl.

Somehow I ended up returning to Richard's apartment. When i say "somehow", I really MEAN somehow. I don't clearly remember the events leading up to it. I was drunk and kind of giggly. I felt like since he was older, he would take care of me. I remember walking around his apartment... I looked at the artwork.. I strolled around the big stainless steel kitchen and I glanced at the big screen television.

We ended up in his bedroom, I fell on his bed. (it was so big and soft) I whispered that I don't usually do stuff like this or go home with strangers. I cuddled up on the bed. He asked if I wanted to stay the night. I nodded with my eyes closed but told him I didn't have any pajamas.

He said he had some and asked me "Do you want me to help you get undressed?". I just nodded again.

He did it so slow and carefully. He slipped off my heels and pulled my stockings down over my thighs...I lay there smiling. He rolled me over and unzipped my dress. I wiggled out of it. He ran his hands over my body for a moment.. he told me I was beautiful. It felt really good...

He asked if I wanted my bra off, I hesitated. Then I let him unsnap the back..he cupped my breasts in his hands, He stared at me..but then he stopped. He pulled an oversized shirt out of his closet and slid it over my head. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed still in his business suit. I climbed on his lap and playfully kissed his cheek and his neck. I felt his erection through his pants...I felt so turned on.

But the dizziness kind of took over and I had to lay down again. He tucked me in. Then he lay beside me. He didn't do anything more than stroke my nipples through the fabric and slide his fingers over the front of my panties. Then I fell asleep.

I can't believe I'm writing all this. I'm not ashamed of what happened, it was exciting and new for me. I enjoyed it. I felt kind of disoriented when I woke up though. It's always strange to wake up in a foreign place.

We had breakfast and he drove me home in the afternoon. He gave me his business card with his home phone number on it. He asked me to call him because he wants to see me again.

I can't really describe how I feel about what happened this weekend. It's just different and I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I wonder if I should call Richard. Part of me wants to but part of me is afraid. He's 41. The age difference shouldn't matter... it doesn't really. I felt like it moved really fast and I'm not used to that.

One minute I was crushing for Jonas and the next I'm climbing into bed with a strange man I don't even know. It's not like me, that's all. Lisa and I are closer now. Somehow the experience was kind of bonding. I feel like we did something naughty together and we talked about it when I returned. She had slept with Jon (the irish guy) and she described it in lurid details while eating her ramen noodles. I feel like Lisa is bringing out a new side of me and helping me build up my confidence again.

I'm not sitting at home at night anymore drinking alone and crying about how desperate I feel. It's a nice change.

I guess the question I have to ask myself is... Should I call Richard?. Jonas called a lot this weekend and we talked, laughed and joked on the phone. I enjoy our friendship and he still makes butterflies flutter in my stomach. I didn't tell him about Richard because it doesn't seem necessary. We're not dating, we're just friends. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
posted by Iris at 9:46 AM | link

Monday, July 31, 2006

new

I met someone Saturday night.

I spent the night at his apartment. He's nearly 20 years older than me. I don't have much time to type about this right now...

or any privacy.

What am I doing? It's different than I expected. I'mnot thinking clearly.
posted by Iris at 5:26 PM | link

Friday, July 28, 2006

Beginnings and endings

I think I should stop keeping this diary once I start college. This thought just came to me. It might be time.

My life is changing rapidly and the idea of one of my classmates discovering this kind of scares me. He or she would have a full glimpse of my private thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes and my struggles. It's just too intimate.

One of the pluses of going to college is that I'll be starting off in a new environment with a clean slate. It will be a fresh beginning and no one there will know who I am. No one will know my past. I can re-invent myself. I can be confident, self-assured, and happy. All of what I used to be can be brushed away and forgotten. This is something that I need.

On the other hand, I've been writing in this diary for a long time and it helps me. I put everything I feel down in writing and reflect on it later. I can look back at the events that occured and see my mistakes in black and white. Before that, everything was just a blur. Now I can remember where I was 5 weeks ago, 4 months ago or a year ago.

I've changed a lot in the past year and a half. I can see that when I look back at my first entries.

I'll see how I feel when I start school. The first class is on August 30th. Orientation begins on the 28th. I told my boss at the deli that I would have to cut my hours to weekend only. He was really understanding and actually congratulated me.

Jonas and I are meeting for a date in one hour. I really shouldn't call this "Dating" anymore. It's pretty clear that he wants to be just friends. It's time for me to surrender the fantasy that it could be or ever will be anything more than that. I love our friendship and I'm growing really close to him. I feel like I can trust him and I feel so safe. This is the first time I've had a male friend and it didn't lead to sex. (except for Carl, But he's gay...) I've resolved to enjoy the connection I have with Jonas and stop wanting more than that.

Lisa is watching "9 and 1/2 weeks" right now. (her favorite movie -- this is the second time we've seen it this week) It's intensely erotic and everytime I view certain scene heat rises up to my face, I have to shift in my seat. I wonder if I'm the only one that has that reaction. On Saturday Lisa is taking me out to meet an OLDER MAN. She can gain access to a nice classy after hours club for a more "mature crowd". We're going to go clothes shopping before hand. I want to get a sexy outfit and she offered to style my hair.

I'm both excited and nervous about Saturday night. It will be an entirely new experience for me, I hope this place is as "great" as Lisa claims it is. I hope I don't stick out like a sore thumb and feel out of place.

or worse... get kicked out.
posted by Iris at 8:08 PM | link

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Bestfriends and Older Men

This roommate situation is working out better than I expected. It was a little rocky in the beginning, but we're learning how to respect eachother's space and live together.

There's only one problem that came up. I don't know why this always happens with my friends. I make one new friend and the old friend gets resentful. They end up not getting along.

I invited Stacey over this afternoon after my morning shift for coffee. She came to pick me up and she met Lisa for the first time. I had kind of fallen out of contact with Stacey when Lisa first came into the picture because I needed time to adjust to the new circumstances. I simply needed time to get to know my new roommate but I wasn't intentionally avoiding her or anything. I just called her less than I used to because I have Lisa around all the time to talk to and yes, I feel a little bad about that.

When Stacey came over, she was rather cold and distant with Lisa. Lisa picked up on the vibes and became a bit defensive. They exchanged a few biting words and I took Stacey with me out of the house. It wasn't anything dramatic but it was uncomfortable and I couldn't figure it out.

Stacey said "I don't like her. She's bad news. She's also disrespectful and loose. She was out of line"

"She's really nice...you just have to get to know her better"

"No thanks. I'm not interested. It would be nice if you returned my calls once and while. Ever since this Lisa chick came into the equation, you've been blowing me off"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to"

Stacey was in a bad mood after that and our afternoon was cut off short because she said she had "other plans"

Whatever. I wish she wouldn't act like this. We've been bestfriends for years. Lisa can't and wont "take her place".

****

Last night at work Lisa and I were talking about men during our break outside. She gave me something to think about. I was talking about how I have bad luck with guys and how Jonas doesn't seem to want to make a move to the next level of our relationship. He seems content just being friends even though he acts like he's attracted to me.

"That's because he's young", Lisa said "He doesn't have enough experience and probably doesn't know how to make the next move. You need to stop dating boys and start dating older men"

"Jonas is 26 years old! He's older than me!"

"Not old enough... I'm talking about late 30's and older 40's. I dated a 42 year old a while back. It was hot. He knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me. He was so good in bed and had enough sexual experience to know how a girl really wants to be touched. He was mature and he took care of me. You need a father figure in your life right now. I think you should start looking for an older man"

"I don't know"

"He'll also appreciate your body more because you're so young. You have Pert breasts, tight ass and flat stomach. You need a man that wont take that for granted and that will treat you like a princess. Not someone that treats you like a slab of meat. Guys our age are used to that... older men, they aren't. Plus you'll get expenisve gifts because they have sucessful careers and they're established"

"I don't want a sugar daddy" (to be honest, I was also a little weirded out by her pert breasts, tight ass comment...)

"I'm just saying... it's something to consider"

I have to ask myself if maybe Lisa is right. Maybe what I've been doing wrong this entire time is dating guys too close to my age. Maybe I should find an older man. I don't know, I've never done that before. I've just been thinking about this a lot today. I'm just so tired of running into brick walls over and over again. I want a stable relationship in my life, a real relationship... I want to be loved.

Lisa left for work before me tonight. I have to order some chinese food before heading out. I'm starving right now...
posted by Iris at 7:42 PM | link

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

horrible night

There is nothing more painful than having to confront aspects of your past that you pushed behind you and didn't want to even think about.

I realize sometimes it's necessary, it's just emotionally draining and upsetting.

Lisa and I went out last night. It's the second night in a row, she's a lot of fun to party with. It's hard to keep up with her. Her circle of friends keeps expanding and she brings me a long for the ride. I feel like I actually have a life now...

We were taking shots together and she had urged me to lay down on the bar, pull up my shirt slightly and have this guy, Dave eat a cherry out of my bellybutton. (Don't ask) That's when my cellphone rang and it was Luke.

He sounded upset and he said he needed to talk to me. I was drunk and cheerful. I told him to come on over to the pub and meet my friends. He told me he'd be there in five minutes.

When Luke arrived, I jumped in his arms and hugged him. I can't remember why I thought it was okay to do this. It was like my brain just blocked out the fact that he was my ex. My brain blocked out our intimate chat conversation from Sunday night. I just shut it out and was stupid.
I get like that after a few drinks. Alcohol can be an escape for me and a way to push all my problems away.

Luke pulled me to a quiet corner and started asking me all these questions. "What was that chat conversation about? I feel guilty for doing that with you... I don't know what this means. I still have some feelings for you but I'm engaged to be married... Why did you come back into my life right now? What do you want from me?" He was actually trembling.

I felt horrible and I started shaking my head "No.. I don't want anything. I was just lonely and I thought I would say "hello"... it didn't actually MEAN anything... I didn't want to break up your engagement. We were just having a good time, right? We were just chatting..."

That's when he started crying "That's your idea of a good time? Fucking around with me again? Is that a fun game for you? DO you have any idea how much you hurt me? You destroyed me. I had planned my life around you. You broke off our engagement last minute and left me for someone else. Have you ever stopped to contemplate how totally FUCKED UP that was?! Are you even capable of feeling guilt?"

That's when I started crying. I can't even describe how low I felt. Yes I felt guilt, Yes I felt like shit. I've pushed the entire incident into my subconscious and I don't bring it up. I know I handled that situation wrong and I know I made a mistake. It was a year ago though. All I could say was "I'm sorry, Luke.. I'm so sorry"

He slammed the spot on the wall above my shoulder with his fist. I jumped and then he just walked away from me.

I couldn't stop crying and Lisa found me leaning against the wall. She pulled me up and urged me to drink more. She kept saying "Fuck him. He's a loser."

I started explaining the whole story. She just said "Iris, you knew him for a couple of months before you got engaged. You barely knew the guy so of course you weren't ready to get married. It wasn't the right time and you were honest with yourself" and then she went on to say "Plus, He is engaged again NOW to someone else?? He probably gets engaged once a year. That's not even normal, fuck him"

On one hand, Lisa had a good point. Luke had rushed into an engagement with me and I wasn't ready. How many people get married after only knowing eachother for a few months?? but on the other hand, I hurt him. I can't deny what I did or try to rationalize it.

Last night was horrible. I cried a lot and drank a lot. My head is pounding right now and I can't even think clearly. I have this annoying throbbing behind my eyes again. Lisa is still sleeping. I can't fall back to sleep but I don't have the energy to get dressed. I might call off sick from my morning shift at the deli and just crawl up into a ball.

I don't like myself again. It took me a while to reach a point where I could rebuild my self-esteem, my confidence and a feeling of self-worth. I feel like a nothing right now. I just cause people pain. I keep thinking of what Luke said to me last night.

I hate feeling like this inside. I can't change the past and my existance is just filled with regret.
posted by Iris at 8:40 AM | link

Monday, July 24, 2006

Ashamed

I had two dates with Jonas this weekend. One on Saturday and one on Sunday.

We had a lot of fun. We laughed, joked around and had dinner together. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and most like myself.

The only problem is that I really like him. The more time I spend with him, the more I want a relationship with him. The sexual tension is there and the desire for closeness. I feel it on his end so strongly and he wont act on it.

We come so close... When he said goodbye yesterday afternoon, he kissed me on the forehead. Then his kissed me on the cheek... then his lips grazed over mine... only to move over to the other cheek. I felt like I could barely breath. He squeezed my hand tightly, looked into my eyes and said "good night"

I was so aroused afterwards, I didn't even know what to do with myself. Lisa was out for the night with this guy that she's seeing and she told me that she would most likely crash at his apartment. I was alone.

I paced around feeling sexual frustration and wanting more. I picked up the phone to call Jonas and express these feelings but I just put it back on the receiver without dialing the numbers. I want this to be different. I like him too much to screw it up.

So I went online and Luke was signed in. For some reason I said "hello". I know chatting with an Ex is foolish, but I wasn't clearheaded. I was also drinking alone. I started opening up to him a bit, and he started telling me about his new fiance.

The conversation started edging into the danger zone. He made sexual suggestions and it turned me on. Next thing I knew I was pulling my shirt over my head and sliding my panties down over my thighs.

I've never done anything like that before. It's weird that we had no sexual chemistry in person at all, but in words...

It was different.

At 4 A.M., I started questioning my sanity.

Once I experienced a relief, I felt extreme guilt over what had happened. I closed my laptop and curled up in bed...I covered my face with my pillow.

On one hand, nothing happened. I mean, it's just words. Just an online chat conversation. We didn't touch eachother, it didn't mean anything. I'm not going to do it again and he's engaged to someone else. Is that cheating? Where do you draw the line?

I wonder how many people out there have done something like this and kept it a dirty secret. Is this something to be ashamed of or is it really no big deal? Is it really any different from reading a few paragraphs from an erotic novel and touching yourself? I don't know and it's bothering me...

I can't ignore the fact that he's engaged to be married and I feel ashamed. Why were we even chatting again in the first place?

posted by Iris at 3:58 PM | link

Friday, July 21, 2006

Yesterday and Today

I've seen this survey in a lot of blogs lately. I never filled out a survey before so I figured I'd give it a shot.

Ten years ago:

I was 12 years old and struggling with puberty. The awkward adolescent years. I had just gotten my period for the first time (and was hiding it from my mother and my sister), I had bought my first bra, I hated the way I looked. I let my bestfriend bleach my hair and it nearly fell out. I wanted to look like Gwen Stefani. I had a fascination with the movie "Interview with a Vampire" -- mostly because it was taboo and I was too young to be watching it in the first place. I started keeping a diary that year.

Five years ago:
I was 17 years old. I was always climbing out of the bedroom window to escape from my over-controlling mother. I had a steady boyfriend named Kevin and a clique at school. I started drinking. I wanted to be an actress and study Dramatic arts in college.

One year ago:
I was doing what I'm doing right now. Working as a bartender. I was in a bad place though. I couldn't afford my rent and had to move out by the end of the month. I was in the middle of breaking off my engagement with Luke and was starting to fool around with Michael (like a complete fucking idiot) If I knew then what I knew NOW...

But that's irrelevant. THIS is what I wrote in my diary one year ago today. It's an entry about my past sexual experiences.

Yesterday:
I went to work in the morning at the Deli. Jonas came in for a bagel. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me about my weekend plans. Now we have a date on Saturday. Lisa and I hung out in the afternoon. My Mother called. I told her about my college plans. She complained about the school I chose and told me that a community college degree will get me NOWHERE in life.

I hung up on her.

Lisa and I went to work together at 7.

Today:
A man hit on me at the Deli Counter. He was at least 55 years old. I was polite but distant. When I returned home there was a towel on the door which meant that Lisa was having sex. So I went to Starbucks for a few hours. When I came back, the towel was gone. Lisa was naked in bed and started talking about the guy she's screwing and how great it was.

I can't look in her direction when she's naked, It's too distracting. I know we're both girls, but it's hard for me to get used to that.

It must be nice to be able to lounge around the house all day and having sex. She's lucky that she doesn't have to work two jobs. I really should talk to her about how I like to have lunch at home after work and I don't like wandering around on the streets because she's having sex with some dude on MY FUTON.

On the other hand, I don't want to be a bitch. She has taken a huge financial weight off my shoulders and she is really cool to hang with. I might have to put my foot down though if this gets too out of hand.

This is weird because usually... I'M the screw up.

Tomorrow:
I'll probably be hung over. Lisa is inviting some friends over to our apartment tonight and neither of us have to work. It should be fun.

Five people I'm tagging

Anyone who wants to. I don't understand the whole tagging thing. Why put someone on the spot? you should write what you want in your own diary and not what someone tells you to write.

"You're it"

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I want you.

You came over in the early evening. The sun was just dipping below the horizon and the apartment was filled with a warm orangish glow.

When I opened the door we just stared at eachother. You know me, and I know you. We knew this moment was coming, we just didn't know when or how. I stood there for a moment leaning against the door frame wordlessly. I just waited for you to say something but you didn't.

You reached out and touched the side of my face, your finger moving down my cheek and grazing over my lips. I close my eyes and Your hand traveled down my neck. You pulled me into a hug. I know you understand. I know you aren't judging.

We pulled apart and I took your hand. I led you inside my apartment. Your eyes were just on me. You don't care where I lived or if I went to college. You don't care about my past or my mistakes. It's was just you and me in the moment.

I felt like I was barely breathing as I gazed at you. You leaned down and kissed me. Your lips were soft and at first hesitant. We were just barely touching. I was trembling and I knew that you felt the heat rising across my cheeks. Then it became more passionate and breathless. You pushed me my back against the wall and your hand moved down my body.

"We shouldn't be doing this", You tore your lips from mine and whispered this into my ear. "I don't know what I'm doing"

"It's okay"..I whispered back tugging on your shirt lightly.

Your hand cupped my breast over my shirt, your finger grazed over the nipple through the fabric. We stared at eachother. "I want you so bad"

You pulled my top over my head, the rubberband slipped out and my hair spilled over my face. I let you push me down on the bed and you slid my shorts down my thighs. Your hand moved over my panties, you felt the wetness inbetween my legs. I took a sharp intake of breath and saw your erection pushing against your pants. You leaned over me and I moved against you...I was filled with need and desire

Then I woke up.

That was 15 minutes ago. I'm sitting alone in my dark apartment and the dream is fading from my memory. Lisa is out for the night with her boyfriend. I have some private time all to myself and I really don't have anything to do. I'm just shifting in the sheets. I'm slipping in and out of sleep. I just feel lonely.

I hate nights like this

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A crap day

My sister came over this afternoon.

It was strange seeing her at my new apartment. I don't even know how she got the address. She stood there awkwardly clutching her expensive handbag. I let her in and she clicked by me in her high-heels. Sometimes it amazes me that we're related at all. We don't even look similar. I'm betting she even goes to my mother's hair salon. I wish I had a sister that was remotely like me. Someone that I could really bond with and that would stick up for me.

She looked around my flat and all I felt was judgment from her. I don't know why it bothers me, she doesn't mean anything to me. If we were strangers on the street, we wouldn't talk at all.

So then she starts making small talk. we sit down together at the stools next to the counter Island. The whole time I was just wondering what she was doing here and what she wanted from me.

Then she began to whine. "Iris, We've been trying for a baby for over a year. I think I'm infertile. He (her husband) is so disappointed in me. It's messing up our marriage. I want a little baby so bad and I'm thinking of going to an infertility clinic."

I just stared at her while she spoke. I couldn't figure out why she was telling me this. Where was she when I was put in the hospital? Where was she after my break up with Luke? After my break up with Michael? Where was she when I hit rock bottom and I was utterly alone? I couldn't come to her. Now she expects me to drop everything and be her therapist while she cries about her "supposed infertility". I wish not being able to pop out a kid right away was my biggest problem in life.

The sad thing is: She and I used to be close. As children we played barbies together, built blanket forts and confided in eachother. She would dress me up and put make up on me. We would pose in front of my mother's full-length closet mirror. But after my parents got divorced, she changed. Suddenly she was Mom's little henchman. She was distant and entirely involved in being "the model straight A student" "the perfect cheerleader" "the college bound prodigy" "the beautiful one". She started judging me with my mother and she used the bible as a weapon against my lifestyle.

So all I could muster up in response to her tearful confession. (If you can even call it that) was "I'm really sorry"

I think she sensed my insincerity because her expression hardened and she went off on me again. "You know, You're killing Mom. She worries sick about you. Why don't you call her once and a while? Why don't you just TRY? Why do you always have to go against her and hurt her? It's like you just don't give a shit about our family. You know that Mom is hurting, yet you persist in being like this. Living like this. ...etc. ..etc"

Lisa came in during her lecture. She was wearing a bikini with a towel wrapped around her waist. She had a guy with dark hair behind her. A guy I've never seen before. The way she stumbled and giggled was a clear indication that she was pretty drunk -- In the middle of the day. When I introduced her to my sister, she screamed and hugged her "Oh my god! Iris's Sis! Hey!!... then she turned to me and added "I didn't even know you had a sister!"

At that point my sister excused herself and left. Lisa thought this was hysterical and started asking if she said something wrong. I didn't like the way the guy she was with was scoping out our flat. I imagined him stealing everything we owned or something. (paranoid, much?)

I felt like I had no control. I can't explain the feeling. It was just this heaviness on my chest. Lisa and the guy were messing around in the kitchen and whispering things to eachother. I could see that there was sexual tension between them and she wanted me to leave. She obviously wanted "private time" with this guy.

So I unplugged my laptop, packed it up and told her I was going to Starbucks. Which is where I am now. I called Jonas to see if he would join me. But I just got his voice mail I've been here for about 2 hours now, so I'll save this in a word doc and post it later when I have the time. It's getting late and I need to eat dinner.

Another crappy day of my life.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Different Backgrounds

"How often do you masturbate?"

Is that or is that not a weird question for a roommate to ask??

I didn't even know how to respond when Lisa asked me that. I just laughed.

"But seriously, do you?"

"Well, yeah..." (awkward)

"Okay"

Okay? I waited for her to elaborate or explain, but she didn't. I was going to ask her how often SHE does. But something tells me she does and really it's not my business. Maybe she wants to know if I have a problem with it. I don't. As long as she doesn't do it while I'm in bed next to her.

Lisa explained a little about her background which shed some light on her openness with these issues. Her mother is German and her father is Dutch. They met in Amsterdam and conceived her. She lived there for the first five years of her life, until her father got a job in California. She said that they always talked openly about sex and even took showers together. Her parents apparently walked around naked. She moved out of her home when she was 16 years old.

My own background originates from Europe as well, but I never traveled out of the U.S. My Grandparents on my mother's side are from France. I don't really get along with them all that well. They're brutal and blunt (I know where my mother gets it from). My father is Irish and Italian. My grandparents immigrated over to New York in the 1930's. Neither my father nor my mother discussed sex in the household.

In fact, Once I came out of the bedroom with plaid pj shorts and a tanktop. I was heading to the bathroom. I was about 13 or 14 at the time. My mother grabbed my arm and whispered "Put on a bra under that top and cover yourself. You can't walk around the house like that!"

Very different backgrounds.

She showed me some photographs of her travels in Europe. She went to the "Love Parade" in Berlin and traveled to Rome, Paris and Prague with her family. I'm jealous.

She's only been living with me for a few days and the place is already a mess. She leaves her towels on the bathroom floor, her make up all over the counters and food in the sink. I'm not an anal clean freak or anything but it doesn't HURT to clean up after yourself just a little bit.

Whatever.

I talked with the school administrator today and I enrolled for classes. I have everything completed. I'm putting aside money for the down payment that is due by the end of this month. I haven't declared my major yet but I have time to figure all that out. It's apparently not important for the first semester.

It's official. I am going to college! It's a community college but it's a college. It's a stepping stone. If I do well the first two semesters I can apply for scholarships at better private and state universities.

I have to get ready for work. Lisa is out with her cousin. She should be back soon. We have the same shift tonight at the bar so we'll be going in together.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

New Roomie

This whole roommate situation is going to take some time to really get used to.

Lisa came at 9 P.M. Friday night with about 6 boxes of stuff. There's nowhere to really put it. She has a ton of make up that she immediately cluttered up the bathroom with and a lot of DVD's. There's her cellphone, her P.C. station, her IPOD and a host of other electronic devices. Including a webcam.

I was a little overwhelmed.

But we warmed up pretty quickly. I had set aside space in the closet for her clothes and she started hanging up her outfits. She kept thanking me for taking her in and telling me how excited she was about living together.

She DOES actually sleep naked. Which was wierd because right now we're sharing a bed until her next paycheck comes in. Then she'll buy a second futon. I sleep with my panties and a tanktop usually. It's just weird brushing my legs against another person at night. In a sense, she is essentially a stranger to me still. She has a beautiful body and I think she knows it. She came out the shower all giggly and climbed into bed.

"This is like a non-stop sleepover party" (well...we'd been drinking, so we were both acting silly). We popped in a DVD. It was fun.

But it's different.

Jonas came over Saturday morning to go to the beach. We had a good time. We came so close to kissing at one point. I want to write more about our date but Lisa is coming back soon. She just stepped out to pick up some snacks at the kiosk down the street. I don't want her looking over my shoulder at what I'm typing. (She's the nosy type, I have to make sure my laptop is always closed and password protected) It's nice having someone around all the time We went to work together Saturday night.),

but I have a feeling that I'll miss my privacy a bit.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Getting back on track

I'm feeling much better today.

Jonas spent the night.

Nothing happened last night. It was entirely innocent.

He came over at 8 p.m. We went out to see "Superman Returns" (This new superman can't compare to the late Christopher Reeves in my opinion) and then went out to eat. We came back to my apartment for a few drinks. This was the first time I let him in. I felt a little self-conscious because of how bare my apartment is.

There's just a futon pushed against the wall, a shelf with my small television in the corner. A box with my laptop propped on it next to the window. A bookshelf with a few books. There's the kitchen and the bathroom.

"I don't have much, I just moved in last month", I explained.

"You don't need much in life. People tend to just collect a lot of pointless shit", Jonas said "I like your apartment"

What I like about Jonas is how laid back he is. He's just so real and down to earth. I like how his hair falls over his face when he leans over. I like his clear eyes and his jaw line. He has a grungy look to him, this kind of "kurt Cobain" quality that brings back desires from my early adolescence in the late 90's

We drank together and shared a cigarette. The more we drank, the more relaxed I felt and the more loose my tongue became. I started sharing too much and it scared me. He listened so intently, like he was absorbing each word I said. At one point when I was talking about my childhood with my mother, he put his hand over mine.

I pulled back from him. I suddenly felt this irrational fear that if I got too drunk he would take advantage of me. That I would end up lying on my back with my skirt pulled up. What makes him different from any other guy. I felt foolish for having him over. I felt scared.

He asked me what was wrong and I started crying. Then I started crying because I was crying. I knew that made me look like an emotional basketcase.

He asked me if it was something he did and for me to open up about what was upsetting me.

I just started blabbering "No, I'm just afraid, Something happened. I can't open up to you. I can't trust anyone anymore"

"You can trust me. Come here" He rubbed my shoulder and urged me to lay down. Then he rested next to me. He pulled me against him. He felt so warm and I felt myself shaking because I didn't know where this was going and if I wanted it to go there anymore. Last week I did, but now I don't know.

But he just held me and stroked my hair. We lay there in bed with our clothing on just talking. I fell asleep in his arms. It was the most beautiful feeling. I feel safe with him, in a way I haven't felt in a long long time.

At 6:30 he shook me awake gently. "I have to go to work", He whispered. "I'll call you". He kissed my forehead and he left.

I fell back to sleep happy. All day I felt good. He called me in the afternoon and we talked for a while. I'm going to see him tomorrow. We're going to go to the beach again.

He wanted to get together again tonight but Lisa should be coming over soon with her boxes. I'm waiting for a phone call from her.

I feel myself relaxing with Jonas. I'm less anxious about everything after last night. I feel like I can grow to trust him and that this relationship can become something really special.

I have to drink less though. Alot of the problems I face in life could be avoided if I would just lay off the alcohol. I need to be clearheaded. I will be less a victim of circumstance and more in control of my life. Half of the entries in this diary were written after a few drinks. It allows me to open up but at the same time I become hopeless, angsty, frightened, and chaotic. I'm not as careless and stupid as I come off. I show my worst and darkest sides. All the fears I hide from those around me get poured into this. All my mistakes, secrets, regrets, desires and struggles.

I have the potential within me to shape up. I know this. My life isn't always going to be like this. It's that belief that keeps me going.

Deleting the previous entry helped me let go of the past. Fuck him. Nothing he can do to me will change the way I see myself. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm moving past it.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I can't remember the last time I felt so low, vulnerable and angry.

It's a sad world we live in. People take advantage of others. They point their fingers and laugh. They want to break others, see them struggle and squirm beneath them. Everyone wants to feel superior and better than the next person. "I'm smarter. I'm stronger. I'm in control"

No one wants to be the victim, so they put others down.

People use others.

People abuse others.

And they have no trouble sleeping at night afterwards because they can rationalize their behavior.

The more you trust, the more you open up... the more you are knocked down.

I will never trust anyone again and I will always keep my back up.

I'm not going to be put in that position again.
What constitutes date rape?? Where is the line drawn?

I feel like I'm going to vomit, I feel sick and uneasy. I just want to curl up in a ball and stop moving all together. I don't want to go to work tonight.

I didn't pick up the phone all day (even when I heard Jonas's voice on the machine) and I didn't show up for my morning shift at the deli. I don't even want to write about this because I know what anyone that reads this will think.

"Iris, You asked for it."

I keep clenching my jaw and the sides of my face feel sore from doing this. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at him. I hate this vicious cycle that defines my life. It has to end. I look like shit right now because my eyes are swollen from crying.

Maybe I'll write about this later. not right now.

Monday, July 10, 2006

"Just friends"

What do you do when someone says they want to be "Just friends" and you want more than that? How do you adjust to that when you feel so disappointed inside?

Jonas and I got together last night to see his friend perform with his band at a night club in the area. We drank a lot..

During the performance, He put his hand over mine and his leg brushed against mine under the table. I was so nervous, I was just trying to stop my legs from trembling. He has this affect on me where I feel like I lose all control. I can't even verbalize it.

Afterwards we met up with his friend for a drink and then walked home towards my apartment.

We were standing on the steps in front of the front door, and I leaned against him slightly because I was drunk. I could smell his aftershave and I liked the feel of his cheek against mine. He steadied me with his hand on my lowerback and I gazed up at him.

"I really like you" I wish I hadn't said it. It just slipped out, It was the alcohol talking.

"I like you too" was his response "I like you a lot"

"So what are we going to do about that?", I whispered.

"Build a friendship", He said. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"

"I know...I just meant.." I straightened up and pulled away from him.

"No, it's just that.."

"It's okay, I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I'm not.. I'm just.." I can't remember exactly what I said back. It was awkward and the room was spinning.

He stared at me, like he was trying to read me. I felt vulnerable and exposed, foolish all of a sudden.

I fumbled for my keys and told him I had to go. Then I turned my back on him and went inside.

I feel like an idiot. The night was perfect, but everytime I think of the last few minutes..I just cringe. I always manage to screw up a good thing by moving too fast and wanting too much.